Fleeting Contemplations

Uniform

2012-01-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

It still smells of death. I can feel the dried blood with each step I take through the glares of unfamiliar eyes. Will they realize I am not one of them? That I don't belong by their campfires at night? That the food they offer me, the nutrients that help warm my body alongside theirs, could be the same nutrients that help precipitate their death? A death akin to the man's whose uniform I now bear.

The stains could have come from anywhere.

"Do you know Klosterneuburg?"

I knew the way.

The stains could have come from anywhere.

The pants sit too low. There was no time for tailoring. No time to be picky. If it's anything that could give me away it's this; my pants aren't long enough. This man was shorter than me. If I gain any perspective from wearing his uniform, it will be skewed by height. I wonder what varied perspective a few inches could bring. There's a thought, given away by the cut of my trousers.

"Time is of the essence. I hope you are a strong swimmer."

I've swam in a few lakes. Treading the cool water on a warm, summer's afternoon. Now I sit on the edge of the Dunabe, the largest river of this region, contemplating passage. It may be August, but it's dark out; cold. This current threatens my life, and so another man may fall victim to death within this uniform.

Maybe it will wash away the stains.

Elation

2011-11-22T18:14:00.001-07:00

I have heard it said that anticipation is healthy. That you feel great happiness in anticipation of things to come. Sometimes more so than the actual event. I can perceive this in my life.

Right now I eagerly await the arrival of my family driving up from Arizona. They should be here any minute. To see the house I now call home. To see the restaurant I now call work. Things it would seem my family should be familiar with. Things I would like to share with them.

I also feel elated from the first prospect of meeting a girl who is a complete stranger to me and almost (Mr. Can't Closerton) getting her number. I very well could have. But now there is the prospect of her returning to my restaurant where we met. In which case I shall not fail again!

Either way. The thought that I can pull off flirting with a girl is exciting. Something that comes natural for most males. And it is also exciting to know that maybe a new relationship is just around the corner.

So I am excited for things to come. Excited to head up to Vail with my family shortly. Excited to snowboard. Excited to eat lots of great food and drink lots of great drinks. And even though the future remains uncertain. It makes me happy to think of it.

Experience

2011-10-10T15:35:00.002-07:00

In response to "Lightly; Freely" by Lovenvoy.

Sometimes I feel I have found "that place" here in Denver. That I have discovered a culture and a community that I enjoy being a part of. A culture and community that I didn't find in Hawaii.

I have come to realize that I never really belonged in Hawaii. And not just because I am "haole," but because the type of people and lifestyle I wish to surround myself with doesn't exist there. Or at least not on the scale I desire.

But there is a restlessness in me. A part of me that gets nervous at the thought of settling down now. The idea of things left unexperienced excites me. Makes me antsy. Makes me want to find those things and make them mine. I feel my patience to stick it out in one place comes from a knowing that I am achieving things here that will help me to experience more further down the road. Remaining here to graduate, to become a skilled bartender, so that wherever I go I may find work. Or gain the filmmaking job that allows me to travel and experience things.

There is also a nagging to move for the feeling that maybe as much as I like Denver, maybe there is a better place elsewhere. Maybe I am settling for less than I realize. Who knows? Maybe Denver is the best city for me. But I feel I have to prove it to myself.

It makes me wonder if our information age creates this desire to experience more. While we are presented with so much, and can easily appreciate these things from the comfort of our couch, there is this idea that what is being presented is better in person. Which makes sense. Here is someone on TV, or on your computer, presenting a place to you, and while maybe the visuals are fully experienced via the mediums we have created, you can't sit there and feel the place, taste the food, smell the air. You can't really know what it is like unless you experience it for yourself.

This bodes of "A Brave New World" type mentality. Of the future being filled with "EM's," or "Experience Machines." Where you can feel everything from the comfort of your living room. Where you can be safe and still know everything there is to know. As a matter of fact, there is a clever play entitled "Harvest" that touches upon this. It is an ingenious script.

In the absence of a "God" in my life I have begun to contemplate my own philosophy, so to say. It is an interesting concept to ponder. And this is something I have reflected upon recently. That life as a human is about experiencing. That when I try to explain why I do not want to die, it is because there is so much I have yet to experience. That there is so much I still desire to experience. Because maybe death brings an end to my being. Maybe there is no experience after death. And that scares me. The thought that I have not impacted the world in any significant way is only secondary to simply feeling like I would be missing out.

Why does this matter to me? I don't know. Maybe it has to do with a God. Maybe it has to do with a survival instinct. All I know is I wish to experience. And find contentment in the experiencing. And maybe that is why we never desire death, because we know there is no end to the experiencing. That's why the God of Christianity is so appealing. It promises a beautiful experience for all eternity.

Am I home? I don't know. But I am searching.

Date

2011-09-13T16:39:00.001-07:00

I don't like the concept of dating.

Yet here I am in my early 20's and single. I feel the need to relent to the dating scene.

But I hate the form. Hate that it automatically applies pressure to both parties involved. Obligates each to impress.

Then there is the possibility of rejection, or rejecting. Either significantly daunting.

I just want to get to know a girl for who she is. Without this instant physical aspect involved. For dating choices are only made by physical appearances and initial surface manifestations of character. And then there is the factor of being isolated in one another's company. Just tempting interaction beyond communication. Having the potential to delay realizations of incompatibility.

But relying on the possibility of getting to know a girl as a friend before initiating any romantic sense of a relationship is growing more and more unattractive. Largely because of the time factor. As we say, I'm not getting any younger.

So here I rest. Desiring a relationship of significance with a member of the opposite sex. But relatively incapable of initiating one due to lack of experience in this area. Hell, I'm not "lacking" in experience, I have no experience. I have never, not once, asked a girl out on a date.

Here I would like to blame my Christian upbringing, which is partially to blame, but a large portion of the blame is really on myself for reasons already stated. Christian kids ask out people all the time.

In conclusion I need to grow some balls and ask a girl out.

Lines

2011-09-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

Trying out the new B-spot layout. Seems nice.

A man that plays trumpet in the worship team at church gave me some advice today. He said to "Stay in line."

I was telling him about some of my post graduation ideas. Maybe moving to VC or NY. Or remaining in Denver and trying to break in to the film scene here. And his statement was meant to encourage me to remain in a place until I have attained what I am looking for. Otherwise I may never attain it.

Because people get restless. Move around. Loose their so called "Place in line." And never really attain what they are looking for.

But the people who stay, they move up simply because other people "Leave their place in line." So maybe you are talented, maybe you have something to offer, but a lot of the time you get where you want in a career because you stick it out. You wait your turn.

This scares me a little. I kind of like being a vagabond. I have been in Denver only two years, and already want to do some more moving and shaking. It would be nice to stay here, but i am afraid of falling in to a routine. Becoming complacent.

But at the same time remaining could help me achieve some form of success in life, so that i could afford to travel. Afford to be a little restless.

Maybe I will find a happy medium in this. Savor my youth and be a little irresponsible. And then find my place in line. Someplace I know I will be happy for 10, 15, 20 years. Maybe i don't need to find my place right now. Maybe I can take my ticket in 5.

Old Fashioned

2011-08-31T02:19:00.003-07:00

Started watching Mad Men. Two in. It's interesting. Simple. Makes me wonder what I could learn from the men of my grandfathers generation.

What I could learn about things like propriety, chivalry, daring. Being a man's man. How to treat a woman.

Mad Men seems to want to show things through the eyes of today, through the eyes of equality between men and women. Making the men of the show out to be bad men...perchance mad men?

And it seems fitting to my modern mind. To think of these men as sleazy, low-browed, controlling, biggity. But maybe it's possible to gleam some things from them as well. To learn confidence. To learn poise. To have a sense of strength I feel a lot of men loose in this modern world.

I would like to believe I strive for a balance of my Grandfather, my Father, and myself. Of the generations before me and mine own. That I can be both strong and reasonable. Treat a woman well not only in material, but also in an emotional sense. Stand up for what's right, yet still yield to what's necessary.

Not sure what about me makes me want to be this kind of man. What message my hormones are shooting through me and what message my childhood spent with my mother is telling me. But this seems appropriate to me. Fitting. Sane. Sound.

Place 1 sugar cube in old fashioned glass and saturate with 2 dashes bitters and a splash of water. Muddle until dissolved. Fill the glass with ice cubes and add 40ml bourbon, scotch or rye whiskey. Garnish with orange slice, lemon twist and two maraschino cherries.

Happiness

2011-08-11T19:58:00.002-07:00

Looking back on my last few posts i realize i haven't written on here since i got my new job. Heck, i haven't written on here in a while period. So...

I got a new job! I am a bar-back at Euclid Hall Bar & Kitchen. Which is a really rad restaurant in downtown Denver. One of a kind. Great food. Great beer. Great atmosphere. And not to mention i have practically doubled my income. Which is funny, because i am still broke.

Though it is nice. I do go out more. And it has helped me to cover expenses i would have been powerless to cover otherwise. I was digging myself in to some credit card debt i wouldn't have been able to pay off with my Starbucks job. Although i did it knowing i would be making more money soon. But i have also payed off my new computer, and the bill for my stupid ass mistake of driving through a giant puddle and needing to get my car fixed. And i have been able to do small trips, and buy things for said trips.

All in all, i am making more money, and spending more money. Next purchase will hopefully be a nice bike. Followed by a season pass to go snowboarding this winter. Not to mention a work schedule that will allow me to enjoy said pass. For i make enough money and still have a three day weekend every week.

Am i happier? Not necessarily. But that wasn't why i wanted more money. It was so i could afford the things to make me happier.

But i read an interesting article recently. That showed that happiness is hard to attain when happiness is the goal. But one thing it did say is that people are generally happy when pursuing meaningful relationships with others. And i do remember writing a certain post about that being my ultimate goal not too long ago.

And so, to also tie in my brief post right before this one, I'm not too happy right now. Because i am lacking meaningful relationships.

So i need a friend. A "best-friend." A "girlfriend." Landon is still my best friend and we haven't lived in the same vicinity for over 4 years now. Although that might change in a year. I wonder what that says about my friendship making abilities?

I think it says that Landon and i are uniquely related in many ways and perhaps i won't ever find another friend like him. But i need some that at least come close. That aren't females.

And then comes the girlfriend. But i already wrote about that.

At least i can afford one now!

Lonely

2011-08-11T19:45:00.002-07:00

I keep telling myself i need a girlfriend. For nights like these. Where i text a liturgy of people and get little to no responses. Someone I can rely upon to hang out with.

I also have been seriously lacking in serious conversations. Deep, meaningful conversations. Perhaps because i am keeping pertinent facts about myself away from those closest to me. Perhaps i should start being more honest.

Another issue at hand is that i find i have built close relationships with girls. Who then get boyfriends. Who then stop hanging out with me.

My goal this summer was to get a girlfriend. I appear to be failing.

The problem as i see it is that i don't hang out with the right crowds. All the girls i come in contact with are largely Christian. Therefor eliminating any chance for a serious relationship. I need to find secular crowds with similar interests to mine. I know these crowds exist, i feel close to them when with my film making buddies, but i haven't really found them yet. I think the girls i hang out with at work aren't quite in the right groups.

So here i sit. Alone. On one of my two nights off this week. Unable to find even one person to hang out with. Contemplating drinking a beer and making phone calls.

Le sigh. Next post will be a response to my last two.

Two Quarters

2010-12-31T14:14:00.002-07:00

What if we ain't no parts of a whole?

Just two quarters striving to make a half?

Maybe i need a 75% to make me complete.

And so do you.

If there's ever a reason to be together maybe it has nothing to do with completeness.

Maybe we are just meant to make each other happy.

Maybe you just have a smile that makes me light up inside.

Maybe i just get happy sitting across a table from you.

Two cups of coffee in-between.

But i can't beat this thought of so many components building up my happiness.

That you have to be composed of a symphony to bring harmony to me.

But the thing about life is we know it before we understand it.

The math and science comes later.

So maybe two quarters is enough of a whole to make me happy.

Grind

2010-12-14T13:07:00.007-07:00

I want to be cool. Or hip. Or something like that.

Not entirely sure why, but i had this thought last night while watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I think it was due to the fact that i was watching the dorky character played by the classic Michael Cera hit on girls and be successful. Whilst i have never had the ability to hit on girls. In fact i get nervous when a girl flirts with me. Go figure. But if insecure Scott Pilgrim can do it, why can't I?

Somehow my train of thought also wondered to my living situation, and some of the things i may acquire for Christmas. Including a hand grinder for coffee. And i saw myself sitting in some posh, downtown apartment, spinning the blades and grinding coffee and divulging information on how i roasted it myself in a popcorn maker to just the right darkness for full flavor enjoyment. All to some eagerly attentive, attractive young woman. And i liked that thought. Because we would sip coffee and discuss politics and art and life.

But this all leads me to thinking about money. And how i feel if only i had a better job i could afford to have the life i wanted. Not that i am not happy with the life i am leading, but if i am content now just how happy i would be with all the other things i desire! Haha. I loose God and turn to money.

But seriously. I live from pay check to pay check. I don't have any savings. I tend to choose not eating over eating at times. Although it has made me thrifty!

I think what i really want is just a little more security and less reliance on my father to bail me out. School just screwed me out of an extra $1,500 dollars. Loans are building. I want to travel the world but i am worried about paying off all this fucking debt i am accruing to get a "higher education." Fucking bull-shit.

In the end i am annoyed with the systems modern life has built. The monetary system. The schooling system. The work system. The political system. It is all sitting in a toilet waiting to be flushed, i feel we just need the minds to do it.

So i am wanting this. I am wanting the slightly better job, for that slightly better pay check, with no homework to worry about or classes to attend, so i can sit around and drink coffee and figure out how to fix things. Go along with the system just long enough to get what i need from it and make it in to something else. Hopefully something better.

And that is my attempt at redeeming a rant and turning it in to something thought provoking and useful. Haha. Publish post!

Coolness

2010-09-18T10:51:00.004-07:00

I just read Suzie's most recent post about Uganda, and now a post about my life seems a little mundane. Haha.

I came to the Cheesman Park area this morning to shoot some test footage for a project a lady in my production class is working on. It is about riding Vespa's and trying to go green. Well her Vespa wouldn't start this morning (for the first time ever) and so now i sit at the local Dazbog waiting for a word. I was kind of excited to film too. This is the first semester i can work on other people's projects without having to work on anything of my own. I can just help make the vision come about. I kind of like it. It seems everyone in the major is interested in Writing/Directing, and everyone in my production class has a film they want to make. I am the only one content with just working on other people's projects. So i felt a little odd in class, but it is genuinely what i want to do. If i feel inspired to make a movie i can, but right now i don't have any pressing ideas. Especially with the amount of help other people need.

I am also going to be playing the lead in my buddy Jacob's project, which is long and going to span about 5 weekends this semester just on filming. And i am in every scene. So another reason to keep my priorities to a minimum.

I am still really poor, but getting enough hours to survive now. Probably shouldn't have gotten the car, but it is nice and convenient. Who knows, maybe i will stop bitching and finally get a better job.

Looks like i got about another month of warm weather left. Going to try and enjoy it while i anticipate the cold. Seasons are gonna start changing again and i am excited for the newness.

Take care.

Tips

2010-09-07T22:19:00.002-07:00

I am almost embarrassed to say this, but Nip/Tuck is the best television drama i have ever seen.

This past episode dealt with trust, self-confidence, love, accomplishment, masculinity, femininity, fidelity, life, death, success, failure, forgiveness...all through the guise of superficiality.

To question morality through such a seemingly "immoral" show is simply brilliant. Opening credits with mannequins, and the line "Make me a perfect life." It holds such deep meaning. The pursuit of perfection. Not just physically, but internally.

This is something that isn't mentioned or questioned: Are Americans just as obsessed with inner beauty as we are with outer?

Do we strive for moral grandeur as we do bodily splendor?

Maybe we don't.

Perfect Body

Context

2010-08-09T00:06:00.003-07:00

I worry about loosing context. In growing old. Older that is. That i may find myself at 38, single, having accomplished little in life. I am curious as to why this bothers me. Why do i need to feel important? Maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but at the very least in the lives of others.

If i hit thirty and still have no family of my own, no place to call home, will i get depressed?

I think about whether or not i would be satisfied if i just roam about. Living in different countries. Growing cherries along the equator and roasting the sun dried beans to grind and steep. To then sit and sip on as i stare longingly at fiery, sun basked clouds over a rolling ocean.

If roaming about an older continent with history on a two wheeled frame could make me happy. Learning about so many cultures that almost seem suffocated between one another for lack of breathing room. Colliding to the point of joint currency. Connected through a network of trains for when my legs tire.

Perhaps meeting up with old friends. To discuss the twists and turns life has spun out for us, or perhaps whether we have woven them for ourselves. Yet really just hoping to share a special context with someone we feel understands something within ourselves. For no known reason, despite placing so many miles between our souls.

Maybe that is the beauty of friendship. That we can expand the singular context of our bodies over the populated world through a joint bond of knowing that when we are united our experiences will be compounded. Our story enlarged through the assimilation of similar souls.

I want children. But i also want instability. I intend to figure this out. Though i'm only hitting 22. 16 years lie between me and feeling like McMurphy. But the years are passing faster than i know, and i don't intend to tarry.

Sloppy

2010-07-24T18:42:00.003-07:00

I'm sloppy.

I wish love at first sight were really possible. I saw a girl on a bike today and i fell in love. But we all know that isn't really love. Just lust. Cause i don't know anything about her soul. But her smile sure made me want to believe it is beautiful, and full of life. That she could make me happy just by sitting across from me at a coffee shop.

I think that it is going to be very hard for me to find the "right" girl now. No longer being a believer, but still holding to a lot of the truths. I think this is why we should teach philosophy to children. Not only do we not teach religion in public schools, we do not even teach a way of thinking about morality. It makes sense why kids end up like stupid little fucks. They don't even know how to rationalize right and wrong. Not that christian kids know how to do that, but at the very least they have someone telling them what's right and what's wrong.

It is largely the problem of parenting. Stupid people raising stupid kids. I use to have the idealistic notion as a kid that as people grew up they learned how to behave, learned how to be fair, and kind. But this is far from the truth. As an adult i have realized that character stays the same, that while people gain responsibility, they don't always gain maturity. Hence i have two divorced uncles who can't pay rent and mooch off of my grandma and parents. Both of whom have multiple children. Who are also making poor decisions. I rest my case.

Maybe this is natures way of keeping the population under control. Stupid people tend to die quicker. If only stupidity meant infertility.

This is why i need an intelligent wife. So i can feel secure in copulating.

Slip

2010-07-03T01:12:00.005-07:00

I am slipping back in to a time of less sleep. It coincides with company. When there are people within my sphere of what we all call home i tend to sleep fewer hours.

It's funny though, cause i could go to sleep now, there is no one up with me, but i am choosing to stay up later. Given, i can sleep in tomorrow, but there is the possibility Mark will cause me to awake sooner than i would have living in my own apartment.

This is both good and bad. I was wondering when this time would come around again.

One definite pro is that i seem to have these flurries of thought late at night when i am near comatose. This always seems odd to me. Not sure if it has something to do with my brain slipping in to processing mode, but it is now when i usually have these brilliant, poetic, lyrical moments. Although you might be sitting there shaking your brain at mine. Perhaps i just believe i am being more brilliant because i am delirious.

I wonder about what my clothing speaks to strangers and friends around me. I found this orangish polo in a box in the garage. It fits nicely. I kind of like having a bright shirt. But i wonder what it says about me. If anything at all. How it pairs with my pants and shoes and hair and says "Hey...make these assumptions about my character."

Could anyone guess i am pondering the philosophical repercussions of a race of humans who make decisions in ill-informed or blatantly ignorant states and so do not realize they are making mistakes because of it and are therefor doomed to repeat them?

Or that i am being struck with a strange new reality of what existence could be and what my life may have in store because of it?

That i fear companionship may never come because of the unique place i find myself in these days?

Could anyone see that in my new Ambercrombie & Fitch muscle polo?

New

2010-06-06T00:19:00.004-07:00

Don't tell anyone, but i have kind of stopped brushing my teeth.

I want to make movies that really interest people.

I wish socialism worked on some level.

I realized today that i can't afford a girlfriend.

Craziness at work excites me.

It's possible that someone fired a gun at me last night.

I wish guy/girl relationships weren't so complicated.

If i could i would fix people's personal problems.

Life is becoming harder to define, and yet easier at the same time.

I don't feel how i thought almost 22 would feel like.

I thrive off of change.

Recently i have been getting anxious about stupid little things.

Having lots of money would be nice.

It sucks that my allergies are the worst in Denver out of all the places i have lived.

Creating music can give me a buzz.

I disagree with Donald Miller on one point: Coffee shops are lovely places to spend time.

I wish i lived closer to my family.

I wish Blogspot wasn't slowly dying.

And i want you to know that i stopped believing in God.

But i love you so much.

Love

2010-04-13T22:33:00.003-07:00

So, i feel i want to ask some serious questions of you guys. Feel free to answer via comments.

If you were to believe there was no God. Or no God as the bible presents. How would you justify right and wrong?

I feel right and wrong can be shown through actions towards and considerations of others. That if what you do holds the well-being of others at the highest regard, then you are doing good. Doing right.

But how could you even jump to that conclusion if there is no ultimate since of right and wrong? No voice of authority from the heavenly realms?

I think it comes down to the innate feelings of every human being. Or at the very least the majority of the human beings.

Most human beings understand happiness. Understand joy. Understand love. Understand the need to be wanted. Understand the need to find fulfillment and satisfaction. And once you realize you want these things for yourself, you realize the best way to get them is to provide them for others. That when you are loving others, giving meaning to others, helping others, then you find fulfillment in return, that people provide all these things for you in return.

And so doing good, doing right, means helping everyone to meet their own base desires.

But perhaps one could argue that these desires come from society. From culture. That the way we are raised and taught are what develop these needs inside of us.

And so true definitions of good and bad, noble and just, come from what is taught to you. And so there is still no truth out there. Everything is still subjective.

And this is why countries can justify war. People can justify hurting other people. Killing other people. Destroying other people. Because their way of thinking does not align with our way of thinking. That their way of making everyone feel loved, wanted, needed, is different than our ways of making people feel valued. And so we keep on blowing each other up.

But i don't think this is true. Because as we become more and more globalized, while there are still wars and disagreements, for the most part these are small and petty. We realize that all people laugh, all people cry, all people belong to a family.

And so i think we can depend on human universals. And we can all come to a consensus of what is right and wrong. Because in the end we should all realize that what is best for ourselves is what is best for everyone else.

True selfishness comes through true altruism.

Haha.

Travel

2010-04-07T09:39:00.002-07:00

I want to

Travel

To move

To roam

About

Perambulate

Around

Free to

Traverse

The earth

Make others

Their lives

My home

For good

I should

Music and Movies

2010-03-15T14:05:00.003-07:00

Last night was a blast. Been going to open jam sessions at Fidel's on Sunday nights, and last night was the first time we got the whole band up on stage. Good fun. Julie Tiehen, who we are gonna be playing for, sang one of her songs with us and got asked by the owner to play a gig there! Small little place, but the music and the people are just amazing.

Our first real gig as a group is next Sunday. Can't wait! Should be a lot of fun. Hopefully after this the shows will keep coming, and hopefully some paid ones as well! Although this could be a payed gig...not entirely sure.

I have also been working on a music video for one of Julie's songs entitled Shoes. My partner from class is editing on the computer next to me right now. She hasn't edited anything before and so i am walking her through the process. It is also the first video i have filmed in HD! Which is amazingly beautiful. Also did a film noir piece in HD the other night that should be finished today. Both videos will be up on YouTube eventually.

Another really exciting thing other than playing music is that i started working on a documentary with two of my teachers. My Drama of Diversity teacher, Jennifer Rincon, is starting her own company for the arts entitled Vision Box. Her main area of expertise is theatre, but the company will span many different fields of art. The first project she is working on is a theatre piece about this church that is employing ex-cons and veterans to install solar panels on church buildings. Now, where i come in, my teacher Jessica Lance is directing a documentary about the entire production process. Which is really fascinating because we are getting all these great stories from ex-cons and veterans. It should be a very interesting doc on the human condition. They do not have much money yet, but if they get the grants they are trying for i may get money and credit for helping to work on it! Not to mention crazy experience and connections!

I am excited for things to come. It is starting to warm up here. Actually hit 60 degrees the other day! Was riding my bike in shorts and a t-shirt, haha. Cannot wait for summer! But first is spring break, John Mayer, and Chris! Much fun to come.

Woops

2010-02-26T09:45:00.003-07:00

Shoot, i am a slacker. I get on Landon's case for not posting and here i am, almost two months out from my last update...apologies.

Life update time perhaps?

I am sitting in Paris on the Platte this lovely morning after a light snow last night, and now the sun is shining in a brilliant blue sky as i sip some tasty coffee roasted on site. It is shaping up to be a good day. In a few i will be meeting up with my partner from class to storyboard a music video for the band i am going to start playing bass with. Then i head off to work for a short little four hour princess shift. After which i pick up some camera equipment from school, including a Sony EX-1, which shoots in HD! AH! So excited! For the first part of the music video shoot on Sunday. Then JR picks me up from school, and we head up to the mountains for an overnight Men's Advance, because men don't retreat! Haha...punny. And i return tomorrow hopefully in time for a documentary film shoot with my teacher. News on that to come, it's an exciting project!

I will keep it short for now. I always stray from these simple updates, but sometimes they can be nice and exciting.

Hope you are all doing well!

20/20

2009-12-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

Shoooooooooot. Let's give this a go.

I jump a first class flight and rendezvous with Aley in Pennsylvania for three days of immense enjoyment. Christmas air, bus rides, New York city streets, Van Gogh and even a little Steven Spielberg. Not to mention ice skating in the midst of sky-scrapers. Head home and attend to the funeral of the best of Grandfathers coming four months to the day from his beloved wife. It was hard and long and fitting in the end. An inspiring family dirge. Save up and fly out for a first time trip to another nation. Germany in late winter and many new experiences. Castles, beer, and danke schons. But the most exhilarating of all, Olympic runs down Alpine slopes. Get food poisoning, ask a father for a hand in marriage, and fly home, all in a days work. Sulk and simmer through the end of the semester and snatch a buddy pass for Hawaiian shores. Return to the family of my youth in a humor that is extremely new and foreboding. Drop a couple grand on a stone before realizing i am going nuts and call the whole deal off. 500 magnets in the trash. Savor what i can of the final unification of KLANZzz and decide that film in Denver is still where my heart lies. After some amazing late nights over too many cups of coffee and a few other outstanding and heart healing conversations fly home to say good bye to the family for the last time. Drive a disastrous drive with my mother to Colorado and a small studio i can call my own. Hit the 21 mark with a Father and a legalized tour. Say the last hard good bye and swing in to the first year at a real University. Film finally realized. A new church, new friends, new co-workers, and a lovely new city that i never imagined could make me feel so at home. 4 months later and i am settled. Music and any misgivings gone. Thanksgiving and Christmas wishes spent with the family, but back to the mile-high-city for a new year and great hopes for the double digit millennium.

Damn.

Well

2009-12-18T21:01:00.004-07:00

and well it should

fall in to place and make you scream

run out the door and stop in time

cause who am i to stop your fun

make you hold tight to what doesn't come

naturally to your heart

feel the best you can and make your stand

to hold up to my futile attempts to bring you

closer to what makes me happy

forgotten and disregarded have i made you

in comparison to my own propaganda

made to ease my own tension

cause who am i to say what you can and cannot do

for you are your own person

and what difference does our love make?

Confused

2009-11-29T18:55:00.003-07:00

Where is everyone?!

___

A Ghost May Come

Elements on my table-

the clock.

All life reduced to this-

its tick.

Dusty's modern lamp,

all shape, space and curve.

Last attempts at speech.

And the carved

serpentine knife of Mexico,

with the childish

eagle head on the handle.

-Allen Ginsberg-

It is funny how we confine time and light to sit idly on our desks. Often forgotten, sitting unused, as we contemplate their meaning. The vast significance of two things that constantly and consistently affect us through all of our...well, moments in time illuminated by light.

I really love the poetry by Allen Ginsberg. The rhythm in the one above is perfect. I am studying. Haha.

Simple

2009-10-18T21:30:00.005-07:00

And what if life were to be played out,

Simple and sweet,

Structured and systematic through splendid senses?

Coherent, colorful and contained,

Painting a poignant picture,

of life, love and lust?

Not the chaotic crooked context in which we currently co-exist,

Walking and wading with words,

Whimsically working worth in with this world?

Would we loose all will?

All affinity if art absolved from act,

Separated and severed from our souls?

Set to solely sit and stare,

Might lives fade from full form,

Fall and fold faint on foul floor?

Is it immoral to imply,

That this theological theme,

Could contain our collective call?

Meaningfully making meaning for all meaninglessness?

Self

2009-10-05T13:54:00.007-07:00

I had an AHA! moment the other day after reading Landon's last post.

By the way, where did that saying come from? The "aha moment" saying that is.

I think i figured out why i have been so happy.

O yeah, by the way, i'm happy.

And i think it has something to do with finding myself.

And by the way, it is only on blogspot that i could seriously say that i "found myself"...

Further tangent: where did "finding oneself" come from?

So i was reflecting on how i have felt these past two years. The emptiness and confusion. Starting with my move to Santa Monica and the ensuing depression. And then my seclusion from the Lord. Followed by my return to Arizona and relationship with Aley. Ending with the summer in Hawaii and move to Denver. When i realized something.

I feel i have rediscovered myself inside of a this new context i have been given.

Leaving Hawaii i held my identity inside of the community of believers and friends i had known for the foregoing 9 years. Leaving that context i didn't really know who i was. It was like i had lost my identity. Fallen off the page.

This is turn effected my relationship with God, because the way in which i related to Him had changed. It was only me now. And God is a little scary up close.

I then sought out the familiarity of home, with family, where i did not have to question my position or role. Yet, inside of this comfort, i sought out a new order. With a woman. So that i could easily transition in to my new place in life with somebody by my side. Who was also searching for their role in this world.

Yet this was not meant to be. We were not suitable to provide for one another's needs. To complete each other. Define eachother.

And so this past summer in Hawaii was initially a return to what i always wanted, but turned in to a freaking nightmare. I went a little crazy. I confess. What i wanted for so long to return to was not what i thought it would be.

So i moved here. A little disillusioned to say the least. And extremely apprehensive.

But as the weeks have passed, i have found things to be quite heartening. And i think it is because i have finally figured out who i am inside of this new, individual context. I am finally doing what i have wanted to do for so long, and succeeding. God is giving me the desires of my heart.

So i am largely alone. But intensely in love with everything. I get those pangs from time to time, when i think of my mom and dad. When i think of my brother. When i think of my brothers. My sisters. Those little tinges of homesickness in the soul. But they are brief and fleeting.

I am loving Denver. I haven't even gotten out of the city in the past month and a half.

So i am curious what comes next.

I suppose i have crested this ridge. Left the valley behind me and climbed. And i am filled with excitement at the view that stretches before me. The possibilities that are to yet unfold.

I can feel the wind against my cheeks. And breathe a sigh of relief through a growing smile.

Sip

2009-09-29T12:44:00.006-07:00

Coffee. Espresso. Yum.

I have tried beer and wine. Seriously TRIED. And found wanting.

Liqueurs are good for the first, and second sips, but overpower by the third.

Cocktails. Now. Cocktails i can kind of do. But do not find very enjoyable. I would rather just the coke, minus the rum.

But coffee? O sweet sensational coffee. How you tease and tingle my taste buds. Delight my olfactory. How i love you. As you steep and simmer. Sit and soak. Diffusing and departing in to the steaming, sizzling, smooth water. You have no carbs. Just caffein. But i can deal. I am not obsessed. I do not crave. Do not get migraines when you are far found.

And so it is with you i settle. With you i will sip as i sit. Blissfully banter, converse with cohorts.

For you delight me. Save me the trouble of seductive sugars. Sweets that tantalize and tease, but ultimate lust to level, destroy and down. Cure my wanting with liquid perfection.

You and tea... O. Tea!

Hard

2009-06-19T04:11:00.004-07:00

I think i am a little too critical of myself at times. I really did not care for my last post when i wrote it, but looking back on it now i am very pleased with it.

I realize now just how full of love and emotions i am. Recently it has been boiling over and very noticeable to those around me. Heck, my brother even noticed. And i don't like it.

I love the relationship. The dynamic and mingling of two souls, trying to understand the significance of oneness. Sorting through the mundane, the insignificant, the trite, because those things make up a life, little by little. Learning to take the pieces of one life and join them with the pieces of another. Trying to become more like God.

It is so significant.

Yet so fragile.

It can hurt.

Cut.

Singe.

Sear.

Kiss my hand to cover with lye and burn.

So why do it? Why go through with it all? Why put our selves out on the line? It would seem so much easier to go with out. So much easier to play safe, never risk a thing. Protect our hearts. Keep things between us and God.

Why?

Why? Because we can't. I know I can't at least. Perhaps there are those who can. Those that can give there hearts to God and God alone. But not I.

I long for the embraces. Not only of flesh and bone, but of thought and mind. Connecting deeply and meaningfully with another soul, in an attempt to bring meaning to our own existence. I long for the moments of oneness, that seem to remove us from time and place, and set us alone, together. The converging that can never be fully expressed, even in poetry. Only experienced. I long for it all.

We are flawed. And our baggage gets in the way. And we may not be perfect.

But we are beautiful.

And we are loved.

You are loved.

Soon

2009-05-20T21:57:00.003-07:00

Less than 2 weeks. I will be in Hawaii in less than two weeks.

I must say, i am a little apprehensive. Not in a real negative way, but in the way that i am not sure how i am going to feel being back. Less than two weeks and it has been almost two years.

A lot has happened in the past two years. Part of me is afraid i won't feel as comfortable as i once did with the old group. That there will be new inside jokes that i am on the outside of. New quotable lines, catch-phrases that will need to be explained, and so diminished in meaning. New friends and faces that i am unfamiliar with.

I even wonder if it will feel like returning home at all. Or if it will all feel like a dream, the familiarity of it all. Perhaps i will feel out of place, or like i have returned too soon.

I worry that i will get caught up in old troubles. Old conflicts and trifles with people. That little grievances will rise to the surface again, even if so much time has passed.

But even with all these little troubles floating around in my head, i know it will be good.

I will be surrounded by people who i feel completely comfortable with. Lots of people i am at peace being around. I won't feel the need to impress anyone, or prove myself in any manner. Show that i am a worth while conversation to be had. I can be in group settings and not have to worry about where i am going to position myself to avoid awkward chit-chat, or fake small talk. I can be myself.

I will know where i am and where i am going. All the familiar places and significant spots. Zippy's in the wee-hours of the night (even if i never cared much for it), the church office, Alex's house, "the swamp", North Shore, and the old S-Bux. All full of memories and life.

And the weather shall be delightful. No 110 degree heat, or frigid air. Just cool tropical breezes and ever present showers. O the rain, how i have missed it so. And the beaches. And the waves. And the mountains that keep me headed in the right direction.

Everything will be there. And i will get lost in conversations with old friends. And drive empty roads in the night times. And even visit a few places i have never known before.

It will be near perfection. And the only thing that will be able to bring it to its full potential will be her presence. Her arrival. And everything will be as it should.

I think i will really be at ease for a few weeks there. That i will be able to rest in that short period of time. And rejoice in the wholeness of it all.

I am coming home.

Meekness

2009-04-06T21:14:00.002-07:00

I wonder about being honest sometimes. Like, blatantly, unashamedly, explicitly honest. I wonder how that would come across to people. Now, i am not talking about saying the first thing that comes to mind without foresight or regard for others. But just plain, truth telling.

Would people like me more or less if i was simply honest with them. I think less. I think people would like me less. Maybe that is why i don't like Jesus. The Jesus i read about in the Bible. Because he is blatantly open with people. And so he sounds kind of cocky. Like a know-it-all.

And that is why i am not always candid with people. Because i do not know it all. I could be being honest, but my honest opinion, even if it is well thought out and heart-felt, may not be truth. I think honesty needs truth. And unlike Jesus, i do not hold the truth in myself. I am flawed. And no matter how sure of myself i am, i am not necessarily going to be correct. And so i do not speak everything that is on my mind. Because it may just be falsehood. I may just be false.

Apathy

2009-02-20T11:28:00.008-07:00

Thoughts i had before taking philosophy, which we have been discussing in philosophy.

1. I think i first thought of this one when i was like 10 while in the shower: What if i am the main character on a Truman type show? What if everyone around me is acting, pretending to be my family, my friends, my loved ones? What if there are hidden cameras everywhere and little beady eyes watching me on television sets right now? Observing my every move...laughing at my mistakes...scoffing at my absurdities...musing over my decisions...critiquing the creators. Who is the creator? How elaborate is the set, the stage? How are they manipulating me? Perhaps creating the idea of God to see if i really believe it, if i'll really devote myself to such a notion. Perhaps, watching me now, naked, in the shower...pervs.

Recently i took this one step further and mulled over the idea that the entire planet could be one big TV show. That aliens that have been around for millions of years have spread out over the universe and, to boost their ratings, have created "Planet Earth!" With the tag line: "What will become of Adam and Eve planted in the garden?" Where early fans of the program would have flipped when they got the cliff-hanger at the end of the show, "And so, God banished Adam and Eve from the Garden!" Doosh! But we aren't the only planet of course, there are many shows, on many planets, and trillions of these aliens being entertained on a daily basis. That might explain peoples insistence that aliens visit us from time to time. They need to fix cameras and such. Or maybe fans of the show really want to meet some of the people they have become invested in. But they are probably arrested and thrown in prison for breaking on to the set of such a successful show, even if ratings have dropped in recent years.

2. I have of course also considered the idea that we are in a Matrix sort of world. Electrodes prodding our brains to give us the sensation that we are walking around meeting people and experiencing things. But because of the movie i am sure most of us have given this one some thought and so i won't delve in to the idea.

3. Time. I think this is something i might have mentioned in a previous post at one time, but the idea of time really struck me on a trip to Kauai with my family...oddly enough also in the shower. What is time exactly? I mean, it is simply a human invention for giving a numerical value to our days. Made up increments to guide our lives by. But what exactly is time measuring? The rate at which things age? But why do things move in this way? And how come sometimes time can seem to pass slow, and at other times very fast? How come as i get older time seems to move at an increasingly rapid rate? Does this mean time is merely a ploy of the brain? That time could possibly be experienced very differently? Like how we say God is outside of time. This would explain a lot about his nature i feel. And so is that what God did with us? He gave us a brain that would experience time in a limited way? In one direction, at a particular speed?

Now, if you think about now, right this second, right this millisecond, like right NOW! It is gone...where? I don't know, but it passed. How do i know it happened? Memory. Phew, good thing for memory. And what about the future? Well, it is coming, ope, wait, there it went, its gone now too. It seems you can really never define a moment. You can infinitely divide the second up, just like mass, it can become increasingly smaller, theoretically, cause you can't wrap your brain around it ever not being able to divide...even if you can't wrap your brain around it never ending. And so how do you define a moment? Cause a moment cannot really be defined. How do we capture a picture then? That picture really did contain some movement, but the celluloid makes it look still.

And so time confuses me, because it seems like we an experience it, but never really define what it is, or why it is.

4. Where am i seeing? Where am i hearing? Where am i feeling? Where am i tasting? Where am i smelling? In my brain. Right. But if my brain is flipping and interpreting the information my eyes are sending it, what is looking at the image my brain is compiling? What is experiencing this visual splendor? I suppose this is really begging to have the question answered: What am I? Why do i refer to myself as an "I"? What makes me conscious? What makes me aware? Spirit? Soul? Are scientists correct? Does the complexity of cells and synapses and chemicals in my brain give rise to my "self"? Or does God embody us with a type of immaterial being, that is attached to this body, and experiencing this world, through the brain? But how? Phew...what AM I?

5. Do i have free will? Touchy subject. It sure does seem like i do. I have a blogspot, what do i want to write a post about? Philosophy? Okay...that should be interesting...that should make my friends heads swim a little...i think i will do that. I am really due for a post. And so here i am writing, picking up the screw on my desk, feeling its grooves, holding it in my teeth. Why? Because i feel like doing so. Or was i destined to do this? Is it written? Is it God ordained? This is the tricky thing about predestination. It seems to remove a certain human quality in things to think of things as predetermined. Screw freedom and liberty if we are all simply responding to stimuli like the Determinists claim. Although, according to them, freedom and liberty exist in our minds, so you can't screw it, because it was meant to be, there is no changing it, it happened. Things will happen, and even if you think you caused it, you didn't. You were only responding to the forces acting on you. Like the hurricane that destroyed New Orleans, it was simply a result of humidity levels, and atmospheric pressure, and temperatures. Everything caused by something else. A domino effect. But people should be able to predict human behavior a lot better then...like meteorologists for humans, haha, wouldn't that be excellent.

And predestination? Well, would God really make some people to believe in Him and others to not? Some to scorn and some to love? What good is the love of a thing forced to love you? Although it surely does sound like the Bible is trying to convince us of this. Or maybe the writers were just a little confused? But God is suppose to know all things right? The beginning and end? And so is it that he causes us to end up this way? Or just refuses to intervene? We believe God intermingles to a certain extent, but how much? How does he decide how far to push things? This is very puzzling.

Honestly, my innermost being tells me i have free-will, and so i have to act believing this, or else i think i shall go crazy.

6. God. GOD. I AM. Elohim. Yahweh. Real? Fake? Singular? Plural? Theistic? Deistic? Pantheistic? Alchemist? Satanist? I know we have all thought long and hard on the topic of religion, i won't write ten paragraphs...haha.

7. Morality. What is right and wrong? What is good and bad? Where did these concepts come from? I claim they came from God. But how do you explain them without God? Certain things feel good, certain things are enjoyable, so you do those things. Other things are harmful, things that hurt, so you avoid these things. If you deny God's placing of these things in us, are they simply things that help us to propagate our species? But why would things even form this drive? Why would matter decide it needed to populate itself?

8. This leads to number eight, the origin of all things. What started all of this? And maybe even why? God? I agree.

9. Is there more to this world than what we can experience ourselves? Is there a spiritual realm? I believe there is. Need it be proven by science? Could it?

10. Space. Infinite? Limitless? What is beyond our universe? Nothingness forever? If it ends, what is on the other side? Ouch.

11. What happens after death? You guys know what i believe. Although, what if there was no afterlife? What if at death, you died? Like, that is it, nothing else. It sounds a little scary at first, but if you think about the thought it isn't so bad, because you wouldn't realize it. If you were truly and ultimately dead, kaput, you wouldn't be able to think the thought: "Aw crap, i died, i didn't get to do all those things i wanted to do!" Because YOU'RE DEAD! I don't know, sometimes i like the idea of ending better than the idea of living forever...it is like number 10, it hurts my head to think about continuing on forever. I can understand ending.

12. If a tree falls in the forest, and nothing is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Well, it all hinges on how you define a "sound." If you define a sound as air-waves then yes, it makes a sound. But if you define sound as what the neurons in the inner ear signal to the brain, then no, it doesn't. According to the definition my dashboard dictionary gives me, it is the latter. A sound is something that "can" be heard. So yes, the tree does make a sound.

13. Should we seek knowledge? Or is ignorance really bliss? Are we really better of for all the scientific research we have done? For all our tinkering and fooling around? I sometimes think not. I really would enjoy living in the wild, hunter-gatherer style. But Blogspot really is fun isn't it? Haha. I appreciate knowledge. I just really wish it wasn't so much a guessing game of trial and error.

14. This is all a dream. My dream. I will wake up one day to find i have been in a coma this entire time, and you guys were all a figment of my imagination. Just made up creatures in my mind. I sure am clever to think of you all! Although...you think i would have made my life a little more desirable huh?

Well, i am done...forgive me if i have missed anything. I think you have read enough if you have made it this far! But i will leave you with this, one thought i have gained from Philosophy!

-"I think, therefore i am."

This seriously struck me when we learned what it means, because it is a very striking thought. No matter what you think about, or argue over, or try to convince yourself of, there is only one thing you can never really talk yourself out of. And that is that you exist. I am thinking right now, and weather it is over a real-reality, or a synthetic one made by robots, or weather i am dreaming it all, or not really deciding for myself what i am thinking of, i do know i am thinking. And no matter what i think of, i cannot convince myself otherwise, i cannot even begin to convince myself that i do not exist. I think, so i am. And so are you.

For Grandpa Bob

2009-01-28T21:45:00.002-07:00

My Grandfather gifted me time,
and time is on my side,
if not on his.

At my side and on my arm,
silver and jade displayed,
a reminder of time.

My grandfather gave me his watch of 50 years for my graduation present. I cried when i opened it...

I wrote this over a year and a half ago. For some reason i never felt okay with the poem, like it needed more, or less, or something...but i cannot think of a way to change it, so i will leave it how it is.

My grandfather passed away five days ago. It feels like forever since i wrote this poem. I wish i could have known him earlier in life. I wish i could have talked to the younger more wild Bob. But i got to spend a lot of time with him these past 4 months, and as my dad said, the pain is over now, no more pain Grandpa. I'll see you soon enough.

Sucker Punched

2008-12-03T02:07:00.004-07:00

Wow. Hullo December '08. Where'd you come from? I wasn't expecting you so soon...

I feel a lot has happened this past year. Start with an epic death-defying grand hike with brothers in arms, move on to a bachelor pad of grandiose proportions that robbed me blind, master the art of hand-crafted espresso beverages, slide in to spring with new friends and adventures, inject it with stunning and sometimes surprising visits from the best of old friends, splash in an escape and a move, dice it up with old age and the ending of loved ones, and don't forget to paint the glaze of new emotions of a relationship that is both new and old, beginning and ending and full of expression that can't be held on to long enough, all whilst remembering that good man upstairs that i can't quite seem to be able to meet face to face with.

Life. Breath. I feel the need to breathe deeply.

I think this year took me a little by surprise. It hasn't felt like all that much as it has gone by, but the sum of it all seems quite spectacular. I wonder what it would have looked like if it was walked a little more along the straight and narrow. But it is nearing its end. And there is not much that can be done now but to press on.

I am excited once again for the future and what it has to offer me in its outstretched hands. If i were to sum it up in to a paragraph in a year from now i imagine it to be even more sensational than the one above. Pray for me please. I've started praying again, so you will be spoken for from time to time as well. I promise. And i look forward to holding you in my arms again.

Fallin' apart, and i'm sure, i could stand, on the Great Salt Lake.

November 7, 2008

2008-11-08T00:08:00.007-07:00

My grandpa Bob was admitted to the hospital today. He began shaking when my brother and aunt were with him late this morning due to some pain he was experiencing, and so they rushed him to the ER. It turned out his white blood count was low and his blood pressure had dropped. Due to the testing he was taken off of his pain killers and was been experiencing a lot of pain. I didn't get to the hospital until about 8 o'clock tonight, after getting off of work at 7.

I have never dealt with such frailty and helplessness before. And while it is not the strong grandfather i know, there is no less admiration for the man. He manages to maintain his sense of humor, even in the extreme pain. He has bone cancer that has spread throughout his body, and i have heard that it is one of the most painful things a person can experience. Your bones literally are expanding due to the uncontrolled growth of cells caused by the tumors. Even with morphine patches and constant doses of advil, he is in constant pain. But today he went from a 4, to an 8, on a 1-10 pain scale.

And so he needed help in every way. We were there to help him move, to shift him in bed, to get him water, when just this morning he could get around himself. But the wondrous thing is the way in which everyone acts (and there is no good word for this) together, to bring the most comfort possible to my grandfather. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be so dependent on other people for every aspect of life, but it is such a beautiful thing. Interdependence on family. There is nothing too awkward, or too far out of the question. Everything is fine, and everything is manageable.

I held my grandfathers hand for a while this evening. His eyes were closed and i wasn't sure exactly how he was feeling at that point, but all i could do was pray and hold on. I felt close to God in the hospital room. I new God's presence again, for the first time in while. I wasn't sure to what extent my prayers were answered, but i noticed my grandpa's breathing begin to steady, and his grip become firm, and i could only hope that perhaps God had taken some of the pain away.

I am not sure what will happen from here, we have been wondering for a long time how long my grandpa Bob would hold on for, and i believe he has outlived all of our greatest expectations. Just the fact that he is here in Arizona is a testament to his will power. But whatever happens, i have been grateful for this time. Grateful that God brought me back here to Arizona when i was asking for guidance. Grateful that my Grandpa has had the strength to make biscuits for me, sourdough starter, and tell me about his life here in the desert, of hunting and experiencing the raw nature of this landscape. I have said that i have felt unproductive in this time, but perhaps the most productive thing i have done in a long time has been to sit and listen to my grandfather share his life with me.

What Wonder

2008-10-28T22:19:00.013-07:00

Let man then contemplate the whole of nature in her full and exulted majesty. Let him turn his eyes from the lowly objects which surround him. Let him gaze on the brilliant light set like an eternal lamp to illuminate the Universe; let the earth seem to him a dot compared with the vast orbit described by the sun, and let him wonder at the fact that this vast orbit itself is not more than a very small dot compared with that described by the stars in their revolutions around the firmament. But if our vision stops here, let the imagination pass one; it will exhaust its powers of thinking long before nature ceases to supply it with the material for thought. All this visible world is no more than an imperceptible speck in natures ample bosom. No idea approaches it. We may extend out conceptions beyond all imaginable space; yet produce only atoms in comparison with the reality of things. It is an infinite sphere, the center of which is everywhere, the circumference nowhere. In short, it is the greatest perceptible mark of God's almighty power that our imagination should lose itself in that thought.

Returning to himself, let man consider what he is compared with all existence; let him think of himself as lost in his remote corner of nature; and from this little dungeon in which he finds himself lodged-i mean the Universe-let him learn to set a true value on the earth, its kingdoms, and cities, and upon himself. What is man in the infinite?. . .

For, after all, what is man in nature? A nothing in comparison with the infinite, an absolute in comparison with nothing, a central point between nothing and all. Infinitely far from understanding these extremes, the end of things and their beginning are hopelessly hidden from him in an impenetrable secret. He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness from which he came, and the infinite in which he is engulfed. What else then will he perceive but some appearance in the middle of things, in an eternal despair of knowing either their principle or their purpose? All things emerge from nothing and are born onward to infinity. Who can follow this marvelous process? The Author of these wonders understands them. None but He can.

-Blaise Pascal-

To think, this was written about 300 years before Louie Giglio was born. I guess it's all jazz anyways. I wish i could form english words like Pascal. This is for a lack of inspiration on my part, even if these words inspire me, haha. Back to God now.

Bollocks

2008-09-11T22:41:00.002-07:00

Well dear friends and patriots...i don't know what to say for myself.

I was listening to Divine Romance the other day in the Tacoma and it was the first time i didn't get chills.

When i think of romance i think of a man and a woman. I think of physicality. I had a hard time thinking about God in romantic terms when Natalie first introduced me to the concept back in high school. It just didn't feel write. But i came to understand what she was talking about with time, and the song by Phil Wickham was excellent when i heard it for the first time.

Although thinking about it now i feel like perhaps i got stuck there with God. To put it brashly, i was using God for the sex. Instead of taking what he was filling me up with, the light and the warmth of his presence and spirit, and using it as he commanded me, i kept it for myself. I returned to him day after day for the self-satisfaction, for the high. I wasn't taking it to the "nations." I wasn't taking it to the hungry, the wretched, the poor.

I have been hiding my lamp under a bowl. I feel i have been taking God and using Him to propagate my own name, instead of giving Him the glory. If you were to ask my co-workers about me, they would most likely say i am a good guy, a hard-worker, a trustworthy person. But they wouldn't be able to tell you that i am a follower of Christ, a child of God, a disciple of love. Just that i did well by them and never crossed anyone.

I like to talk big. I like to shoot off my mouth. But like Aley pointed out, words are very empty without deeds. Sure, i did a lot at New Hope Mililani. I was involved in a lot of ministries. But it is easy within the security of the four walls of the church. I talk about being bigger than the institution of the church as a building, but am i bigger than the structure? I don't think i am. I think i found a comfort zone in Hawaii, a place where i was secure and could do my thing with out any worry of consequence. People loved me and i loved me. My ego was fat, and i liked it. But when i lost those safe walls, and really had to leave my crib, what came of it? Nothing.

For a little while i felt like this was Satan speaking lies to me. Trying to diminish things God had accomplished through me. But i know this not to be true. I know God gave me a greater calling, and i threw it back in His face. I decided i liked my comfortable faith, restricted to the confines i was use to, and didn't want to move on beyond that. And so God has left me at this point. He has left me here and is waiting for me to pick back up with Him.

Now, the hope would be that after writing this post, after spilling my feelings and emotions, and realizing what i have done, that i would start back up again. But i don't see that happening. Honestly, i see myself continuing on as i have. And that sounds dark, but it also sounds true to me. These rants tend to be like movies and books, like entertainment. We enjoy the stories, and the power they have to move us, but do we really allow them to change us? Do we really let the inspiring tales spur us on to action, or do we as consumers just rape them for their pleasure? I think i am a rapist.

This year holds many promises for me, many opportunities and advantages. I really do not know if any of it is in-line with the will of God. I frankly do not know how to even determine God's will. My old superstitions about callings and closed doors have been exposed. And so i cannot really say that i know that what i am doing is what God would have me do. But perhaps i am being too definite with what lies under the umbrella of God's will. I don't know, you tell me, as long as i am obeying His commands, as long as i am being the Church as outlined in the New Testament, am i obeying His will? Or is there more to it than that? Does my every deed have to be supernaturally ordained? Does God have to speak to me from the heavens and say, "Kevin. Today you shall walk to the store and buy a gallon of milk."? I guess that leads me to the question, which i asked Suzie before, does God's will pertain to every part of my life? Or only some parts? Because i think you all would probably laugh at the idea of waiting for God to tell me to buy milk for my cereal before actually going to the store and getting it. I feel i have been told, "That is what the Holy Spirit is for, for the little parts of your life." Although i still believe that the Holy Spirit leaves the milk buying decisions up to me. But what about where i am going to live, and what i am going to do, and who i am going to marry? Am i suppose to wait for explicit directions from God? Or the Holy Spirit? Or is it like milk, am i suppose to figure it out on my own based on what i know He would have for my life? He wants me to be healthy, i buy milk. He wants me to spread His glory, i marry a girl who will come alongside me in accomplishing this.

What about heaven? Does it really exist? When Jesus says "Today you will be with me in paradise," what the heck was he referring to? Because he never mentions heaven anywhere in his teachings. He only talks about the Kingdom of Heaven on earth and the resurrection. And even when Paul talks about the resurrection later in his letters it sounds like a physical thing. Not the spiritual soul rising to heaven, but, like Jesus, the physical body being raised from the dead and restored to how it was meant to be before the fall of man. It sounds like when Jesus returns that the earth will return to how it was in the beginning, without death and decay. But no where does the Bible talk about everyone going to heaven where God is, other than in Revelations, which is all prophecy anyways. Not to mention how in the Old Testament it sounds like no one even considers there to be life after death. This confuses me greatly.

I could go on about the lack of the miraculous in modern times and other things, but i am le tired, and simply ranting now, so i will leave you guys here...good night.

Everything Under the Sun

2008-08-04T16:50:00.003-07:00

"Meaningless! Meaningless!

Utterly Meaningless!

Everything is meaningless!"

I have been dwelling on the words of Solomon of late. And not the usual stuff, such as proverbs and fawn-like breasts...no, but rather his thoughts on misery, wisdom, knowledge, and folly.

I felt a connection with the words in Ecclesiastes. They seem to have met me where i am. Solomon's words are (in a word) intense. I also do not like wrapping them up in to a nice little package and saying that all they are about is how "meaningless life is without God," because they feel like so much more than that when i read them. They feel like struggle, and anguish, and doubt, and hope, all wrapped up in poetry.

"Light is sweet,

and it pleases the eyes to see the

sun.

However many years a man may live,

let him enjoy them all.

But let him remember the days of darkness,

for they will be many.

Everything to come is meaningless."

And i have been thinking on that recently. The meaninglessness of things. Or rather, the meaning in things. But, in reading this, i feel the weight of it. That most of what i do is meaningless. That most of what i do has very little weight to it. That i can hold my work in my hands, and let it sift through my fingers, so that it falls and forms pillars of sand on the ground.

Yet i still feel pushed towards things. I still feel like acting on certain impulses, as if some things matter more than others, as if i need to accomplish a task in life, or many small tasks.

"Be happy, young man, while you are

young,

and let your heart give you joy in the

days of your youth.

Follow the ways of your heart

and whatever your eyes see,

but know for all these things

God will bring you to judgment.

So then, banish anxiety from your heart

and cast off the troubles of your

body,

for youth and vigor are meaningless."

This makes sense to me. I have known this in my life. Part of the problem now though is that i feel myself coming to the end of my youth, coming in to adulthood. Where i am responsible for things. Where i have to make decisions, and act in the interest of others, rather than just my own. And i know i am still young, that when i turn twenty in 14 days i will still be in the early years if my life, but i am feeling the weight of my decisions.

"Remember your Creator

in the days of your youth,

before the days of trouble come

and the years approach when you will say,

"I find no pleasure in them" -

before the sun and the light

and the moon and the stars grow

dark,

and the clouds return after the rain;

when the keepers of the house tremble,

and the strong men stoop,

when the grinders cease because they are few,

and those looking through the

windows grow dim;

when the doors of the street are closed

and the sound of grinding fades;

when men rise up at the sound of birds,

but all their songs grow faint;

when men are afraid of heights

and of dangers in the streets;

when the almond tree blossoms

and the grasshopper drags himself

along

and desire no longer is stirred.

Then man goes to his eternal home

and mourners go about the streets.

"Remember him - before the silver cord

is severed,

or the golden bowl is broken;

before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,

or the wheel broken at the well,

and the dust returns to the ground it

came from,

and the spirit returns to God who

gave it."

Now this intrigues me. I am not sure if i am taking the analogy in the correct way, but i hope i am. I want to be as the pitcher at the spring, as the wheel at the well. For when Solomon speaks of a spring, or a well, i am reminded of living water. I am reminded of God. When my time comes, i want it to be as the man in this passage. I want to be as a vessel being filled by the spring, or as a wheel working to bring water from the earth when i go, in that moment i am taken away.

So i am going to follow the ways of my heart till that time comes, bearing in mind the knowledge of light, the knowledge of my creator, my savior. I am going to enjoy the presence of my parents. The company of my brother. By the sweat of my brow i am going to experience the painful toil and satisfaction of eating off the land. The fulfillment of creation. The wonderment of travel. And perhaps even the knowledge of love.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!

Everything is meaningless!"

Maybe so. But perhaps God can give it some meaning through me.

Perfect Love

2008-07-08T16:38:00.005-07:00

I wanna see the broken hearts

Finding hope in God above

I wanna know I'm doing all i can

So with this life, with all i am

No matter what the cost may be

I pray to see your love become our cause

I won't stop believing

You alone are, you alone are God

In you there's freedom

Your love brings me to my knees again

We're gonna bring an anthem of love

We're gonna live for you now

This perfect love i can't explain

This way of life that has no end

Your mercy satisfies, it's all i need

My purpose found in you alone

To love the lost and bring them home

For we were made to glorify our King

Your love brings me to my knees again

We're gonna bring an anthem of love

We're gonna live for you

May your love become my every thought

I wanna know the sound of your heart

I wanna live for you now

Singing You

You bring me life

You bring me hope

Cause you're all i need

-I feel this song embodies the life i am called to live. Every part of it holds a unique significance, but comes together as a whole. It is an anthem of love, the anthem i believe we, or at least i, have been looking for. I couldn't have put it better myself...

So Much Sacred in the Month of June

2008-06-17T01:34:00.003-07:00

I suppose, as Aley quoted, "Perfect plans cannot be made." My plans are shot. Not really sure where to go from here. I went from having it all figured out, to having it all to figure out. I thought my plan was God's plan, but perhaps i was mistaken. Or perhaps it was God's, being relegated to the past-tense, but i did not handle it properly. Like Loren Cunningham and his boat. Maybe the plan went before the planner. Maybe i turned my back on the architect and ventured outside the balustrade.

And so the possibilities open wide. But i do not feel like weighing all the possibilities. I feel like turning back to the engineer who has the plan. I have neglected him too long now. He knows what i should do next. He knows.

I've Lost My Rushmore.

2008-05-25T03:43:00.006-07:00

There are a lot of things i have to live for. Or, a more apt way of putting it would be to say that there are a lot of things in my life right now that i can dedicate myself to. But they all seem kind of small, and of little importance.

I feel like i am living for the future, like the things of real meaning will be coming at any moment to sweep me off my feet. Only this is how i have always lived, forever watching the horizon for that spark of light. And this is how i continue to live.

Perhaps this is how i will always live too, because if i ever stop looking to subsequent things then maybe i will stop growing. Landon said that a "valid awe-striking question will always be: where will (I) be in a few years?" And this question expects me to have some foresight. Now, if my foresight is held in eyes that are content with my current situation, then will i want to move on? Or will i want to remain? Ben Gibbard doesn't want to be a remainder, and neither do i.

But i think i am missing something still. I don't ever want to be completely content with my locality, but i do want to be fulfilled in whatever predicament i find myself in, knowing i am in the center of God's will.

I think that is what i am looking for. God's will. God's will. God's will.

Why aren't there better sermons on knowing God's will for my life?

Is it wrong of me to feel that God thinks i am wasting my time in Biology this semester? In English 2? In Broadcasting?

Is it wrong of me to feel that God thinks i am wasting my time at Vineyard?

Is it wrong of me to feel that God thinks i am wasting my time? His time.

I am not entirely sure what i should be doing. One idea is to be raising a crap-load of money for a charitable organization. Mark and I are planning on biking from Santa Monica to San Francisco this August. The plan is to get pledges and send the money to people who need it. Anyone have any ideas for who we should send it to? I am going to be praying about it. Please join me (in praying that is).

I Get It Now

2008-03-30T02:17:00.006-07:00

I understand now. Why it is we love LOST so much. It is all so clear.

My mom gets offended when i do not read a book she recommends. Or when i do not listen to a recording she likes. I start to feel this way sometimes towards others when they do not take my recommendations. But i realize this is exactly what i do to my mother, and so let it go. Because sometimes you know when God wants you to read something. And also when he doesn't. Landon, you know what i am talking about.

This is how it has been with Velvet Elvis. I have known about the book for years. I have known that it is a good book for years. I even went so far as to purchase it last semester. Yet, i never felt called to read it. Until now. And i must say, this is the time God had for me to read it. They say God cares about the small things in our lives.

I am not very far in. Rob has been talking about trampolines, and springs, and how springs are not like bricks, and how it is not about being in, it is about jumping. And that is one of the things God is giving to me for this time. I have been looking to convert people to Christianity. To a set of rules and beliefs. Instead of inviting them to jump with me. Instead of showing them a backflip, and laughing, and taking them by the hand, and giving them a double bounce that will send them soaring.

The other thing, the thing that i did not understand until now, is about the vastness of God. The sheer limitlessness of His nature. How we can never fully understand Him. How we will never have all the answers. Because there in lies the beauty. It is the fact that God is beyond our understanding. That we can continue to question, and probe, but we will never fully understand.

I use to think that in death, upon my entrance in to heaven, that i would start to understand completely. But this isn't so. We will just be exposed to even more. And begin to question even more. And God will only bounce us a little higher and show us a new trick we haven't seen before. And we will all laugh with delight. But we won't completely get it. Not now. Not then. Not ever.

And that is the key. That is why we love LOST so much. It is the fact that the more you find out, the more you need to know. The more questions you begin to have. The deeper you get pulled in. And the more giddy pleasure you receive.

But for some strange reason LOST tends to frustrate the heck out of me when i think of not knowing all the answers. Of not coming to a solid conclusion in the end. Yet, with God, i am at peace with not having all the answers. I feel like sitting back an smiling. And worshipping Him for all he has done. And for the little i do understand.

It is like i have said before. Paul wrote in contradictions. And this is because we live in a paradox. Our faith is a paradox. And it "is more about celebrating the mystery than conquering it." Or so says Mr. Bell.

I concur. Let's jump.

Dandelions

2008-03-23T22:37:00.005-07:00

-Denny's till 1AM

-Spontaneous Diddy Reise

-Greyhound Journey

-Slumber

-Extra Extras

-Air Support for a Fellow Brother In Arms

-Death Treks

-Mega-Tots

-Crampons

-Seattle's Best....................COFFEE

-Christmas Eve Mountaineering

-Easter Goods

-Hana Hou!

-LAX

-Adrien Brody

-Ho Drizzle

-Spotting Elk

-Heat Rash

-All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes

-Sledding

-All the Small Things

-O Brother Quotes

-Secret Reproduction Desires

-I Hate Sarah Marshall

-Wild Pigs

-Muscle Beach

-Aaron Weiss

-Jessica Biel

-Tatsu

Dying

2008-02-14T01:16:00.006-07:00

A friend once told me: "Kevin. Wherever you are. Be all there." And i think it was the best piece of advice he ever gave me. He basically went on to explain that he meant, wherever i am, whatever i am doing, give it my best go. Don't just let opportunities pass me by. And i think this was the best piece of advice he ever gave me. Now. I think the way he meant it, and the way he personally applied it to his own life, is a little different than how i took it from him. But i believe it taught me an important lesson.

It is a hard thing to live out though. Too give any and every moment your all. And i mean that in the since of doing things, all out, as yourself, in Christ. That no matter the situation, you present yourself as a follower of Jesus. Without holding back. Now. This doesn't mean i want to go around preaching and praying 24/7. It's just a matter of living in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.

Yet. I hold back in many situations. Primarily group situations. I suppose it is because about 50 percent of my thought process leads me back to God. Which i am glad for. But i am always afraid of speaking it to others. And i feel this keeps me from being all there. I shy away from sharing what is really on my mind. Instead i op for a poor joke. Or an appeasing smile.

Tonight i spoke about Standing by Your Convictions at a bible study. About not trying to please people, but instead please God. About letting Him be your confidence, your fulfillment. And i realized that this is something i struggle with.

I tend to focus on one or two primary struggles in my life. One or two sins i can't seem to get a hold on. But i think part of the problem is i am too hell bent on quitting them. This might be something the enemy has done to distract me. Perhaps i should walk in victory. And focus more on the things that will build my faith, rather than the things that can tear it down.

So here i am. Trying to please everyone around me. Afraid of turning someone off by speaking what i know to be the truth. While the angels are waging war against the demons. And God sits on His throne. In all His majesty. Ushering forth his Kingdom.

If i have the Holy Spirit in me. Why don't i walk in that? In the full power of the Lord God Almighty. I AM. Do i not fully accept this? Do i not fully believe that i have been redeemed? If i believe in the cross. Which i do. And if i believe in the resurrection. Which i do. Then why don't i fully believe, wholeheartedly, that i have a living, tangible being dwelling inside me? Is it a question of my faith? Or does it stem from not being part of the miraculous? Not experiencing the full power that the Holy Spirit has to offer? And i want to blame this on the church of America. I want to blame this on televangelists, and slick preachers who have turned off so many people to God. But. Really. It comes down to me. It boils down to God and i. It comes down to my relationship with Him and how far i am willing to die to myself.

It is strange. I feel like i die to myself a little more each day. That the more i strive after God, the more i put off my old self. But didn't i already die? Wasn't i reborn? New in Christ? So why am i still dying? Why am i still holding on to the things of this world? Hasn't the old gone? Hasn't the new come?

I suppose this is why Paul tends to speak in paradoxes. And i love the way he writes them. So i will end with this: 2 Corinthians 6:3-10. Read slowly.

We put no stumbling block in anyones path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything.

Phone Phun

2008-02-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

Here is the view from the front door of the place i was staying at, starting with the day the winds shifted after all those fires last year...focus on the horizon and watch the gradual change...

Almost Normal Day...notice there are mountains!

A good day...and unobstructed view...haha...

After a rain...how it should look...

Relient K Show! Cheepartay!

DISCLAIMER: NOT ACTUALLY FROM KEVIN'S PHONE, ALTHOUGH HE DID RECORD IT ON HIS PHONE. THIS ONE IS MUCH BETTER FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAVd4ZddNiQ

Great show!

And hey! Guess what! More great text messages!

Landon:

Next time we talk remind me to tell you about STDs. Its for accountability.

Landon:

Screw carl sr. and jr. !!

Landon:

Daniels getting baptized! Woo! I feel like my son is getting baptized. Haha

Aley(Part 1):

I am about to read your letter!

Aley (Part 2):

Okay, first, i love the rubber band. Second, screw you. <3

Rachael:

Dude..i just heard gangster music and for some weird off-balanced-universe reason, you were the first person that came to mind. What the heck!

Landon:

THIS IS THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS OLD! YOU ARE DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF LANDON. dude my body is freaking out because im cold here! Ah!

Suzie (via Landon):

Kevin youz a ho. Shleighshleigh gonna slap you around. I am something to be proud of.

My response:

Psh! That two timey little ho? She can't touch me...proud?

Landon (for Suzie):

She said "iz on. I beat cho a??down when i get thurr." idk. I just dont know

My response:

Biznatch Pulleaze! You'ze be playing a fool! Better stop playin round ya know whats good fo ya!

Landon:

Dude i totally drooled a huge puddle in my sleeping bag! Ahaha!

Alex:

Dude. Tug is in my bio lab class. If i was Landon i'm take a creep picture but i don't want to get punched in the face. He's even dressed like him.

To (K)LANZZZ:

I just saw a license plate that read LANZILA! Haha!

To Alex (out of context):

No. I think yours are smaller.

Suzie:

Wish you were here! I need a muscular boy to feed grapes to sirens.

Chris (on my encounter with Jessica Biel):

Motherfucker.

Landon:

Dude i just died. Psalm 78:34-42

Thats all folks!

(...for now...)

Revolutionary Love

2008-01-15T22:18:00.001-07:00

Desperation leads us here
Leads us here
Illumination meets us here
Meets us here
Revelation brings us here
Brings us here
Restoration frees us here
Frees us here

And I don't want to leave
I don't want to leave this place
No, I don't want to leave
I never want to leave this place

It's so amazing
Your unchanging love
Simply amazing
Never changing love
Love, love a revolutionary love

Reparation leads us here
Leads us here
Liberation meets us here
Meets us here
Jubilation brings us here
Brings us here
Higher elevation frees us here
Frees us here

And I don't want to leave
I don't want to leave this place
No, I don't want to leave
I never want to leave this place

Your revolutionary love
Your revolutionary love, love, love

You're a revolution I want to be
Revolutionary
You're a revolution I want to be
Revolutionary
You're a revolution I want to be
Love, love, love
Revolutionary love

-I feel this sums up how i felt last night...and it was the first song i put on.

-I didn't need to climb the boulder.

I Told You So

2008-01-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

I feel this is something God could repeat very often.

"Talented with reason, i cover all the angles. I can fail before i ever try."

It seems God gave us the gift of foresight. We can take memories of the past to conjur up possible outcomes for situations of the future. Theoretically we can make the best of any situation if we just think things through before acting. Yet we still fail.

I suppose this could be contributed to the fact that we come upon new situations that seem unfamiliar to us and make wrong dicisions. But God also gave us the ability to learn from others. People have gone before us and made the wrong decisions. They tell us in illaborate ways not to play with fire, to wash our hands before eating, to just say no. Yet we still fail.

So we make mistakes. It is okay. Very few are lethal. We live on to make the right decision the next time around. Encountering the same thing we did at some point in the past our minds return to the situation and let us know of how things will most likely turn out. We have the power to course correct. Yet we still fail.

And this i don't understand. Why do we continue to fail? Why do i continue to fall short? I suppose all i can do is continue to love God for the grace he lavishly pours out on us. And pray that next time, maybe, just maybe, the next time i won't fail again.

Kevin The (un)Faithful.

2007-12-26T00:11:00.002-07:00

"KEVIN. STOP SUCKING & WRITE SOMETHING."

-Ashley Hawkins-

I was going to start this post off by saying "Merry Christmas errrbody!" But then i realized it is 12:15 AM and Xmas ended 15 minutes ago. O how time flies...

It is a crazy thing. I feel like i was just talking to the guys about how it is going to be so much fun when they come out. How i could not wait. That was like four months ago. And now they will be here (with the exception of Landon who comes a little later) in about 2 and a half hours. I feel like the last 6 months of my life have kind of escaped me.

I think part of the problem is that i feel devoid of purpose. It is like my main goal in life right now is to go to school...and i think you all know how i feel about school. And i also have no one really close to me to share my days with. So i tend to just float by waiting for the future to come about. And i don't like that. Cause then when good things happen that i have been looking forward to (like this Grand Canyon adventure), they come and go, and i get bummed out again, waiting for the next thing to happen. And i don't know what God wants me to do...

And that is another thing. As i was waiting to come back to Arizona, i began to just let time pass with out a lot of consideration to what i was doing. And i let my relationship with God slip, and replaced Him with other things. And so it is like a vicious circle...i need guidance, but in the absence of guidance i go astray. Perhaps there in lies the point. God is teaching me patience and endurance...

So i am not sure where i am going from here. I do have plans for the next six months or so, and possible ideas for afterwards, but i am really not one-hundred percent positive. I really just want a clear vision from God. Perhaps having all the guys here will help. I know it is going to be so good...i just wish i wasn't so tired right now. Haha.

Well. I don't really feel like posting this...it isn't all that great. But o well, i am over-due! Sorry about my absence guys.

Communion

2007-11-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

"We are not two,
We are one."

I watched The Darjeeling Limited tonight with Jessica Biel...she is even more attractive in person.

I decided i wanted to watch Wes Anderson's new movie tonight. Of the two showings, the 7 and the 10, i settled on the 10. Figured i would give my self plenty of time so that i would not feel rushed getting there. Turned out to be a good decision.

I headed off to Albertsons down the road to get some "treats" for the movie. I ended up wondering through the prepared food section and came across their bread selection. I was reminded of Landon and late night runs to the super market. Also of the time Kenny got a left-over loaf from church that we munched on as we rode in the church truck down to City Hall to set up for the Day of Prayer. So i bought a loaf like the one Kenny had. I love starch.

As i walked over to the drink section i saw a college age looking girl doing her grocery shopping. I suddenly thought of shopping with my future wife and it made me smile. I am looking forward to having someone to shop with.

Once in the drink section i settled on some Arizona RxStress iced tea, both for value and quality, and proceeded to the check out isle. As i waited to pay i ended up grabbing a bag of peanut M&M's. I have been eating those a lot lately...perhaps because they are what my mom always gets.

Having payed for my items i jumped back on my bike...well...not really jumped; there is the whole process of getting my iPod going, putting the lights on my bike so i do not get hit by a car, undoing the bike lock, putting my gloves on to keep my hands from freezing due to wind chill, and finally putting my helmet on before actually "jumping on my bike..." and headed off for the promenade.

I got to the promenade with about 45 minutes to spare. So i grabbed a Latte from good ole' Starbucks and read some of Isaiah. As the time drew near for the movie, i made my way to the theater. Right next to the theater there is this little Antique shop, and as i was passing it this wooden figure in the window caught my eye. I am not sure what it was about the little figure of a man that made me stop, but i think it had something to do with the expression on his face. The store was closed, but i think i will return to see how much it costs tomorrow.

Arriving at the theater a little earlier than i planned, i milled about the lobby as i waited for the movie to begin. I went in about 5 minutes before the previews started and found a seat. Then, low and behold, who walks in a couple minutes before the movie starts? Jessica Biel. I thought perhaps my eyes, due to the the low lighting, were deceiving me. But there was no denying it, it was her. I was kind of surprised though, i always imagined her being taller...or something.

Well, the movie began and ended. And Jessica left as soon as the credits began to roll. I sat and watched the scenery pass on the screen as the credits ran. And an idea came to me. I am still not sure if it was from my own brain, or if God was speaking it in to my head. But it got me thinking. And so as i walked back to my bicycle i wondered a little. I even ended up finding where all the homeless people culminate in the promenade. I then began hoping of being able to go to each one of them sometime in the future to give them something...like a cot for the night (the benches are hard and steel), or maybe a new watch (not sure why), or perhaps just the love of Jesus Christ.

Arriving at my mode of transportation i headed for home and continued to ponder the new idea that had come to me after the movie. I decided i would need to do some praying when i got home when another idea hit me. I had unknowingly purchased items for communion (having eaten the M&M's in the theater) and so would be able to break bread and drink from "the cup" when i got home. I was excited.

God didn't really speak to me about the idea that came to me after the movie during my prayer time, but He did speak to me about some other stuff. And one of the things was that i am to get rid of the internet on my computer. Not give up internet altogether, but just to not have it on my laptop. So i finished praying, read about The Last Supper in all four gospels, and partook of the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ.

Now we are caught up to the present. I am on Blogspot typing a farewell message as i consume more starch and herbal tea. I will perhaps check online from time to time at school or what not, but i can not guarantee a new post for a while. I wish you all well! Adieu.

O, and one more thing: I thought it was funny how i saw Adrian Brody after paying for the most expensive latte of my life, and then saw Jessica Biel while watching the most expensive movie of my life, which just so happened to have Adrian Brody in it...haha. And did i ever mention i saw dolphins at the beach the first time i used my dolphin towel i had just purchased at Longs Drugs? It was the only one they had left...

200 Limit

2007-10-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

A list of some of the text messages i have saved on my phone...

Seth: Keep on the Kingdom. Mt 6:33

Courtney (Cheebs): kwazy, Woofus!

Jared Parker: No. You punk kids with your rap music and your drugs. Always with the fighting and the smoking drugs!

Landon: 5 artists that remind me of you: mxpx, afi, paul simon, johny cash! And beat boxing from your mouth. Haha what about me?

Landon: If you suddenly find yourself without a life sunday night, consider attending the brown side homework ball at zippys, grand hall. Slutty attire permitted.

Aley: Mhmz. It's gonna be da most shizzin hw party cause shley shley will be dere.

Chris: Motherfucker

Justin: I finally got my stinkn license!!! (4/13/07)

Landon: I'm feeling fat.....and sassy

Noelle: Kev, don't you wanna see the cobrasnake????

Landon: The damn girls are gonna kill me.....i need you!

Landon: Oh her....Little summer suicide is my....SLAVE..I USE HER HAIR AS A LAMP TO SAVE ENERGY. ITS NUCLEAR.

Suzie FLOATZ!: Booty dancing isnt as fun without you.

Suzie FLOATZ!: Me and landon are the official deming brother airport transporters. Yes!

Rachael: Haha youre despicable, ranger

Aley: Youz abitch.

Suzie FLOATZ!: Youz abitch.

Noelle: You'z a bitch.

Dad: Kevin, Happy Birthday - Dad

Suzie FLOATZ!: And i pray that you, being roted and established in love may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to the measure of the fullness of God. Ephesians 3 go read your bible.

Suzie FLOATZ!: Unless your korean, blind, or have a gay or dead parent, youre not getting any scholarships- mama sterch.

_______

That is about all of them. There are a few more, but without context they aren't that meaningful.

Oh Life...

2007-10-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

GAH!

I feel very strange right now. I believe it stems from a mixture of too much sleep and not being right with God. It is funny, my relationship with God has really come to a place where it is not so much that i feel convicted about the things i do, but that i feel the strain in our relationship when i do things i know He does not approve of. Like when i tease my brother in front of my mom...or i talk about not caring for school in front of my dad...or when i say "Actually..." to one of my friends...haha.
Good ole' Don Miller...

I am reading "Is That Really You, GOD?" by Loren Cunningham, the guy who God used to create YWAM. My mom sent it to me to read because i am waiting on the Lord to tell me what to do...and it talks about listening to the Lord, and how God spoke to him about YWAM back when he was 20. I have read two chapters of it and it is really great. I think it will be good for me. Especially because the Lord told me to stop being stubborn and listen to my good, Godly mother when i was praying a few weeks ago.

So life is going by...and i know a little of what my ministry is to be for the time being. One basic thing is sharing a life in Christ with those around me. Another i think is to take in the world...to feel how lost it is...and how powerless i am...but how powerful God is. And it is all very cliche' and simple. But it is all very new and real and frightening at the same time.

I rode in to Los Angeles this past weekend on a Greyhound bus. The sun was setting red over the city through the thick haze of wildfire smoke. The landscape around me was industrial and desolate and as i looked out the large windows i felt as if i were being driven in to a war zone. I got excited. I was sad due to leaving my family behind in Arizona, but i got excited again for things to come. Perhaps i watch too many movies like Lord of the Rings and get this feeling like i have to be part of a war to accomplish anything great in this life. But i am apart of a war, and the amazing thing is that LOTR is only a metaphor for the war that has been raging for all of history. So in a sense i really was being driven to the front lines of a war. Though not a physical war, but a spiritual one, and no matter where i go i will always be on the front-line.

Where the Truth Lies

2007-10-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

It is intense. I found truth with the crippled man begging for money on the promenade.

I have been approached countless times by these people with little index like cards on 3td St. Promenade. They ask if i am interested in any of the questions printed on the card, such questions as "Does God exist?", "Is there a spiritual world?, "Is there an afterlife?", and so on. Once i pick a question they then ask me what i think or believe about the chosen question. Despite my answer, they always invite me back to their "center" on 4th street to learn more.
I always try to start a conversation with these people, wanting to know what they are trying to get me into. It sounds like some sort of Christian group. Yet i always get the same response. They are reluctant to really share anything with me, but just kept insisting i go to watch the introduction video at the "center". Talking to more and more of them it started to sound like they are Christians, referring to the Bible and all, and so one day, when i did not have an excuse not to go, i went along with one of them to watch the introduction video.
Well. They are not Christian. They sure do talk a lot about the Bible, and the fall of man, and knowing God, but it is definitely not Christianity. It almost sounds like something the Anti-Christ has started, haha...but seriously.
They want me to make appointments to watch the video series that explains their beliefs, but i feel i have gotten enough from the intro video and from reading stuff on their website. It is interesting because this thing, which supposedly has expanded to other countries, was started right here in Santa Monica. Perhaps God wants me to bring an end to it...somehow.

Another interesting thing that goes on down on 3rd street is this group of Hindu like clad people singing and dancing and playing instruments of sorts. Interested in what exactly they were i stopped to talk to one of their group who was passing out pamphlets. He explained that they are worshiping God, which kind of struck me. Alex was with me and we explained that we were Christians, and i think he sort of tailored his speech to appeal to us. What he said sounded a lot like Christian beliefs, but after reading the little booklet he gave us, again, was shown the truth.

It is crazy, they say Satan works in cunning ways. I think these are prime examples of how people can be lead astray by things that sounds good, and are close to the truth, but are not the truth. So it surprised me where i found Jesus on the promenade.

I started reading in Acts again recently and i get so excited. It is the church's birth, and people coming to Christ because of the miracles being performed before their very eyes. And i began to wonder where that is in the church today. Why aren't there miraculous healings happening every day in the church for non-believers to see that the power of Christ is tangible and real? You hear of the occasional miracle, but not like the body of Christ in Acts. And then i thought of this man i see down on 3rd St. Promenade from time to time. He has crippled hands and a sign that explains that he needs money for surgery to fix the arthritis that as deformed him. I felt that God wanted me to pray for him...and i knew that God would heal him.
Alex and I went down to the promenade earlier this evening so he could check out some stuff at Barnes and Nobles and guess who we saw. The crippled man with his sign. As we walked in his direction i felt that familiar prodding of the Lord. God was telling me to pray for him. Of course i began to resist as usual. But as we walked past him i began to feel super convicted. It was as if God was saying "It appears you don't have faith in my healing power." So i turned to Alex and i asked him if he would like to pray for the man. Alex, surprisingly, was willing. So we turned around and approached the man and asked if we could pray for him.
It was the most amazing thing. It turned out the man, whose name is John, actually began to minister to us! He is a believer, and a very solid one at that. We had a nice long conversation about what it means to be a Christian, how Christians are now-a-days, and about miracles and having patience when it comes to the Lord. We did pray for him, i was shaking like usual when i know i am praying for what God wants me to, and i was really expecting his hands to straiten out right beneath my hands. That did not happen, but the encounter was definitely of God.

It is so crazy how you can go through life and find God in the least suspected place. It is also amazing how God can teach people about His character through a crippled man begging for money on the streets. It was a great experience for me, and i think it meant a lot to Alex too. I know i will be seeing John again in the future, and i look forward to having more conversations with him. I also know i will pray for him each time i see him. Perhaps God will heal him miraculously on 3rd St. and we can bring hundreds of people to Christ right there. But then again, perhaps God will listen to the prayers and send some money to John so he can get the surgery he needs. Either way, i know God is working, and it is all in his timing.

To All My Friends

2007-09-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

I delight in you. I am not sure i have ever said this before, but i really do delight in our friendship. I delight in spending time with you. This is why i spend so many waking ours on the computer, because i miss being able to spend time with you. It is why i use too many of Landon's cell phone minutes, because i get so caught up in talking with you that i forget i am doing it on his dime. One of my greatest joys in life is being able to hang out and have conversations with you, whether deep or shallow, because i delight in being with you.

Part of this i believe is because we can relate on a level that not everyone can. We know Jesus Christ, our Lord and savior, and because of this deeper knowledge of life we can relate in a way that is more real and authentic. There is nothing holding us back from true friendship. And because of this i know you will understand when i tell you that we won't be able spend as much time with each other from now on.

I feel i have neglected God. As much as i delight in you, i want to delight in Him all the more. I want to delight in Him upon my waking, and upon my sleeping. I want to delight in the fact that He is present through out my day, walking beside me and guiding me. As funny as this sounds, it is because i delight in Him more than i delight in you. And i love how i can tell you this and you will in no way feel upset or jealous, because you delight in Him more than you delight in me too. And i love how i don't have to explain why this is, because you understand, and i love how you understand. It is why this whole deeper relationship thing is so beautiful.

So i may not be on AIM as much from now on. I may not frequent my Facebook quite as often. I may not reply as quickly to E-mails and Blogspot comments. And forgive me if i do not initiate the phone calls all the time. Because i am going to be with God. I am going to be delighting in His presence more than i ever have before. And i want to give Him my undivided attention.

-Kevin

More than Deism

2007-09-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

We had our first bible study tonight.

One of the staff guys from Christian Challenge named Cliff called me up last week wanting to know if i was interested in a possible bible study. So Alex and I met up with him, another staff guy whose name escapes me, and Mark last Wednesday night at 7 to get some hamburgers and get to know one another. Mark is another freshman at SMC who i found out has been attending the same church as me. He plays volleyball ladies. It was cool hanging out and getting to know them, they all seem like good, Godly men.

So we decided that we were all free on Wednesday nights at 7 and that we would continue to meet and have a weekly bible study. We met at the school cafeteria tonight and it looks like we will be meeting there from now on. It is cool because we are able to be a witness to our fellow students, instead of just having it at Starbucks or something. Cliff led the discussion which was entitled "Concept of God" and dealt with good biblical truths about God. It was a good time and i got to know the other guys hearts a little better.

But, above all, the best thing of the night was that i got to talk to Alex afterwards about something that came up during the bible study. He really opened up about some stuff that had been going on in his life and effecting his relationship with the Lord and i was able to pray with him. It was a really big step forward in our friendship and it is cool how God used this new bible study to bring it about.

Shows

2007-09-22T00:51:00.000-07:00

Venue: 3rd St. Promenade
Performing: Seis Cuerdas

Venue: Henry Fonda Theater (aka: Music Box)
Performing: Goldenboy, Copeland, The Rentals

Free shows by great artists are the best. I really enjoy listening to those two guys playing a sort of rocked out version of flamenco on their acoustic guitars. If you search for them on google you will come up with their site that has music on it.
Copeland was a little disappointing because only the lead singer was there, the rest of the band couldn't make it on account of some sort of family emergency. But it was still a pretty cool acoustic set with a violin accompaniment. I was also a little bummed because they did not play California.
Please forgive the poor video quality. Natalie said that me with out a video camera is like a person with out an arm, or leg, or some part of their body. Well, i guess i lied, i do have a video camera...it just is really tiny and can only record crappy 15-17 second segments.
Goldenboy was cool. They have a cool sort of driving sound that gets my head bobbing. And The Rentals were a surprise to say the least. They are quite a mix-matched group of musicians, but with high energy that's fun to experience live. I think if Jared Parker was the lead in a band he would perform like the lead guy of The Rentals.
O, and the sound quality was great. I think i am going to enjoy attending more shows here in Cali. Especially Brand New...oooohhh, Brand New...

O...and ^she^ was in The Rentals...

God Bless You

2007-09-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today, as i was riding back from lunch, i heard the loud and all too familiar sound of a tire popping. I turned and saw that this white car had taken a right turn too wide and hit the curb way too hard, popping the front left tire. He then continued up this incline where he could get out of the way of traffic. I decided to check and see if he needed any help, even though i figured he wouldn't.

I get there and it is an older man with a younger girl, presumably his daughter or grand daughter. I offer to help and he actually accepts my offer. Well, it turns out that it is a rental car from pretty far away and the wrench in the trunk doesn't actually fit the lug nuts. It also appeared the man had not changed many tires in his lifetime. So i proved to be of some use after all.

I made two short trips home to try and find tools in the garage of the house where i am staying. The first time i found a wrench that was too big, and the second time i found one that did not have a long enough handle to provide enough leverage. So, the gentleman handed me twenty bucks and i rode down to the local Kragen (same as a Checker Auto Parts) to purchase a brand new lug nut wrench.

Upon my return we were able to remove the tire and put on the spare. The man was very grateful and shook my hand and said "God bless you." Which was funny, because that is exactly how i was hoping God would use me, to be a blessing to him. Then we parted ways.

I felt like i needed a card or something, like that guy who helped out Landon and Aley when Landon's car broke down. But i think the fact that i helped out was enough. It was cool, my legs have been really sore from riding around everywhere, but the whole time i was helping him out i did not feel it one bit. Serving actually gives me fulfillment, and i am glad that God has put that in me.

I Clicked Create

2007-09-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

I am going to be writing a lot of posts. I have been trying to keep track of who i have told what, and who i have not told what, and what i have not told to whom, and whom i did not tell of what, and i loose track of it all. So, short of keeping a log of what topics i cover in what conversations, i think that creating more blogs will help me to keep the bases covered.

I have been doing a lot of reading and watching of movies of late and i must say i thoroughly enjoy it. I just finished reading "90 Minutes in Heaven" and i have moved on to Praise Habit by David Crowder. I have read a grand total of about 12 pages, and from that little bit i have decided that i absolutely love the book. David Crowder's writing is humorous and fun, but also poetic and deeply moving...

Where were the God moments? Where was Living Praise? Did praise Happen? Could praise happen? What if it did? Were opportunities missed? Was praise just beneath the service? Could it be a flood? Maybe it's just damned? Maybe if the damn burst we would drown in it. Do we dare pick up a sledgehammer and start swinging? It could be difficult. It could wear at you. This could be hard labor. I don't know if i have the back for it. And i think i like my water in small doses. I like the sound of the drip. But there is cracking in my lips and they bleed when i smile. My hands are dry to the touch. So dry i can't feel you anymore. Pick it up? It is needed? It is what is necessary? I want to drown. I want a different air than what i've been breathing. I will swing. I will swing with all my might. I will swing until there is the sound of breaking. I will swing. Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over ad Over and Over and Over and Over...

-David Crowder-

I love how he compares the thirst for water, and the cracking of dried lips when smiling, to our need to give God praise. I know that feeling. The feeling of your skin cracking as you try to express enjoyment. The lines showing where there is not enough moisture. Lines that split when strained. It is annoying, perhaps not unbearable, but very unpleasant. And that is what life becomes when we go with out acknowledging God's glory.

Reading what i write, and paying attention to my thoughts, i have come to realize that i romanticize a lot. Although i feel it is usually in relation to God and what he is doing in my life and the lives of people around me. Perhaps i want my life to be like the stories in the movies and the books. I think that life with God is like that though. And so with this post i will continue to romanticize with God. I suppose he does not have a Create button.

A Month In

2007-09-15T00:05:00.001-07:00

I said i would let you know how i like Santa Monica in a month and a half, and it has only been a month, but i say that is long enough!

Jinky's, where to begin...

Santa Monica is a lovely place. It is sunny and cool every day. Perfect beach weather all the time. Yet, i have realized that i had grown to love the sporadic weather of Hawaii. Showering one second, sunny the next. It was like we had the best of both worlds, all the time. Although i have heard that the sun makes humans happy. Having to do with releasing some chemical in the body. Which would be a good thing for my first month here, because it has been harder than i thought it would be.

In fact, i did not think it would be hard at all. I thought it would be great and exciting. The experience has been good, but i never realized how important friends and family are to general happiness in life. I took for granted having so many friends in Hawaii and having my family in Arizona. Coming to Santa Monica meant i would have neither. Well, i have had Alex, but i never really talked to him for more than 5 minutes before coming to Cali. I have come to realize just how important meaningful relationships are in life. With out them i feel empty on the inside, and it has taken me this long just to really start to feel better. Although the feeling still creeps in from time to time.

That is not to say that my experience here thus far has not been exciting and grand. Santa Monica is a place unlike any of my previous living experiences. School is good, and easy, and i am enjoying my classes. The beach is a short distance West from our place and i can ride my bike there in a matter of minutes. There are also a plethora of shops and coffee houses and pubs and music venues to be found within short proximity. So exploring my new home has been fun.

Church has been another good experience that is making me feel more at home here, and i knew it would. I met more people than i can remember names for at church this past weekend. Then, at school yesterday, there was a table set up for the on campus christian club that i had been looking for with no luck. Not to mention my relationship with God is growing in to new places that it has not been been before. Now all i need to do is find a job and i will be set.

In conclusion...

I think i need to start making more posts about my life in general here in SoCal, because it seems to sum it all up in to one post is out of the question. Lesson learned. I am looking forward to seeing where God has to take me from here.

Photos Courtesy of Alex D.

You and Me

2007-09-07T02:04:00.000-07:00

"You and me, we've seen everything to see, from Bangkok to Calgary. And the souls of your shoes are all worn down. The time for sleep is now, but it's nothing to cry about, cause we'll hold each other soon."

-Gibbard-

I know i cut out part at the end...but it will be okay...

I think this would be a very lovely thing to say to my wife as i am about to die. To think that we have spent our years traveling, and now that we are at the end we are still so close. That we can look forward to seeing one another in heaven; comforted by the fact that we have spent our lives dedicated to God, and that he has assured us with the promise that it won't end at death. Now, i know that marriage will not carry over into the afterlife, but it is reassuring to know that the relationship will be just as meaningful there, if not more meaningful because it will not be hindered by sex.

I hope to find a wife that i can traverse the globe with, sharing our love of Jesus Christ with others, and never tire of the relationship i have with her.

Familiarities Lost

2007-08-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

Familiarities lost
And common happenings gone

Nothing cost
Only in the way a heart would long

Immediacy spent
As dreams pull us apart

Emotionally bent
Yet God will mend the heart

Arid-zone-a

2007-08-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Come with me, as i take you on a tour of my summer life in Arizona.

The Places:

Mesa Arizona is where i fled to for the Summer, not the best choice, but it works.

Here is my humble abode, where i passed the days in somewhat cool air-conditioned bliss.

Here is my bedroom, that also serves as a guest room while i am away. Of course it is much nicer for the guests. Feel free to stop by and visit!

One of my local hangouts that i frequent is the Borders at the mall. It includes a Seattle's Best (although i think the true best is located in Waipahu somewhere). I spend my time here looking for reading material, drinking, and reading the word.

I also enjoy Landon's franchise, The Breadsmith, where you can sample a cornucopia of fresh breads (and spreads) made daily.

This is the outside...

And the in...

Another place i frequent often is about 200 miles north in Prescott. It is my Aunt Leslie's house on my mother's side, and it is quite nice. I have lots of pictures of here because it has a great view from the porch.

The Fitness Center: This is where my mom works and gets a great deal on a family membership so i can go and work out. My mom has introduced me to most of her co-workers, who are mostly attractive young women, but unfortunately a guy named Ray usually works when i am there...just my luck. At least i have been able to gain some mass this summer.

My parents have been going to Superstition Springs Church and i have been able to attend a few times. I really enjoy going and have gotten to know a few people there.

I think that is it for the places...or at least the main ones.

The People:

My family: It has been nice spending time with the immediates. They have not changed much.

Aunt Leslie and Uncle Jim: The ones who own the Prescott house.

My Aunt is almost exactly like my mom, my mom is the youngest and she is the second youngest. She is very kind and loves the Lord.
Uncle Jim is a great guy. He also loves the Lord and is funny and welcoming. He is my Aunt's second husband, and the one i think the Lord meant for her to be with.

Uncle Paul and Aunt Kim and their four kids:

Uncle Paul is an outdoors man and gun collector. He even has the tools necessary to pack his own bullets. He is a great father and always looks out for Steven and I. Uncle Paul is the youngest of my Dad's 5 brothers. This picture is 6 years old.

This is my Aunt Kim. She seems reserved at first, but is actually very friendly and talkative. I got to know her really well the other week and really enjoyed it. She is very cool, and a great wife and mother. This picture is also 6 years old.

This was just last Christmas.

There are some more people i would have liked to included in here...but blogspot is being stupid...incredibly stupid...ludicrous in fact. My apologies on its behalf.

The Things:

The Lawn-Mower: I did a lot of the yard work for my folks this summer. There should also be a weed-whacker in this shot...but it wasn't there and i was too lazy to look for it. I actually enjoyed doing yard work in the blistering heat.

The Bike: This is my trusty steed. Its main purpose was to get me to the mail box and back, but i will be taking it with me to Santa Monica, where it will take me to and from school, the beach, and probably work. I find that kind of funny...

The Car: It has been nice cruising around in my Dad's Altima...enough said.

The Electronics:

The Camping Gear: I just wanted to throw these in because they excite me.

This picture doesn't do it justice...but i can not find it online, and that is crazy, so you will just have to go hiking with me.

This isn't the actual sleeping bag...but it is the closest i could find. Mine is actually a kind of shiny green and silver.

Birthday present from the folks! It's a headlamp if you couldn't tell...

Birthday present from Steven! It is a compass...a good one...

I do believe that covers everything. I hope you feel you are a now well familiarized with my Arizonian self. Let me know if i have forgotten anything or if you have any questions.

SoCal

2007-07-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

Humans are selfish...and i think my main struggle in life will be to live as much for others as possible...and less for myself...right now i give myself a D-. Mainly with how i seek self-gratification and how i treat my family. Lord, please help me.

Now read about my life and comment so i feel good...

I just found out where i am going to be living for this up and coming semester (possibly longer). It is about a mile from my school and even closer to the beach. Which is super awesome. I am going to commandeer Alex D.'s roller blades, or buy my own, and become like the guys from Brink and skate down to the skate park by the shore. Even if there isn't one, haha. I will be living with a widow who has a boy about the same age as me, and she will be making my meals too. Her name sounds Mexican, so i am keeping my fingers crossed for Mexican Food!

I am taking:
English 1: 12:45PM-2:05PM Tuesdays and Thursdays
Math 22: 6:45PM-9:50PM Thursdays
Astronomy 1: 2:15PM-3:35PM Tuesdays and Thursdays
Film Studies 2: 1:15PM-5:20PM Mondays (Film Studies 1 was full)

I am excited about my schedule...I'll let you know how much i really like it in about a month and a half. And i am not sure what i am going to do for a job...but it looks like there are a ton of music stores and restaurants in the area, so i think i will look around for something like that.

My next post should be coming soon and i think i will take Landon up on his suggestion. It will be a sort of autobiography on my life in Arizona this summer. Filled with pictures and descriptions. Hopefully it will be epic and entertaining.

I think Santa Monica by Savage Garden will be my new theme song in life...haha.

<- This is a crazy man from either Santa Monica or Venice that some guy took and put up on Flickr...I have heard about the homeless people there and I am really looking forward to meeting some. But don't tell my mom that...

Constant Renewal

2007-07-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about a lot recently...and i think i came up with a thesis for my Doctorate...haha.

I was talking to my mom about leaving Hawaii recently and i was trying to convey my feelings on the matter...and this kind of relates to my last post...about excitement for new things and how it cancels out the hurt of loosing the old. And it got me to thinking about change, and how humans deal with change.

It seems we as humans like new things, yet at the same time we like consistency. We like to know we have security in a house, yet we like new houses, and new things in our houses. But even apart from superficial things i have noticed this. We (or most people at least) like making new friends, but just as long as we can hold on to those friendships. People don't go around making new friends everyday and dumping the old ones, we appreciate longevity in our relationships. So it is hard for us to break old ties.

Yet this idea of consistency with change also carries over in to the natural world. Nature is always changing, the sunset is always different, yet there are always the same components at play. Such as the sun and the sky and the horizon. A forest might burn down and re-grow, having a new geographical lay out, but it is mostly the same none the less...you have trees, and animals, and bugs, and birds, and dirt...life goes on. Also the same can be said about humans. We are all made up of the same components, each with a nose, eyes, mouth, etc. (you don't have the occasional person popping out wings or a 6th sensing article), but not one in 6 billion looks exactly the same.

I then carried this on even further. I connected it to some of the thoughts i had on time. Time is always moving forward, so the future is always ahead of us, the present is always escaping us, and the past is always behind us. It almost seems as if there really isn't a "now" to speak of, because as soon as you speak it...it is gone. Time is always there, and yet it is always changing.

And what does this all mean? The fact that we are always experiencing newness and yet always holding on to the same things? And it seems that this is like God. God is the same yesterday, today and forever, we have all heard that a million times. God is a constant in our lives. We know we can turn to Him in a time of need and he will be there, always loving, and never failing in that love. Yet, we seem to always be learning more and more about God's character. The God i seemed to know 5 years ago is almost not the same God i know today, but He is. And i think this is where it comes from, this theory of constant renewal, it comes from God. It is like a part of God's character. God remains the same, but he is so vast that we can only get little glimpses of him at a time. Little shiny sparks of love and life, light particles from a beautiful God that will forever amaze us. Yet he has been there all along, waiting for us to witness Him, and it is just that we are tiny little humans, who don't understand the world, and though we try our hardest, it seems we will always be nothing but children, playing in the creation that surrounds us.

In Repair

2007-06-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

Listen to John Mayer's song "In Repair".

I realized why i wrote Paul Simon and John Mayer under "Favorite Artists". The order of which only applies to whom i found first. It is funny how I came upon the realization too, because it was spurred by a question Suzie asked me, and she does not like Mr. Mayer, and i think she is indifferent about Paul Simon, but that is okay, because i still love her. She asked me something about liking music for the words, or lyrics, and if they mattered to me. It got me to thinking, and for the most part i know that i absolutely do not make good lyrics a requirement for the music i listen to. In fact, some of the artists i like write crap, and i listen to them sing that crap, and i even memorize the crap and enjoy singing the crap out-loud in my car at the top of my lungs...but the point is that i really only listen to music for the music, and even when an artist writes crap lyrics, and can't really be called a good lyricist, doesn't mean they can not put good guitar riffs with a solid bass line and great drums. Yet, when there is a musician who has what it takes to combine the best of both worlds, i find something that, as lame as it sounds, speaks to my soul. Paul Simon and John Mayer do that for me, and they do not even play pop-punk.

I was watching the video that came with John Mayer's "The Village Sessions-EP" on iTunes, and it is about how he wrote the song "In Repair", along with his highly skilled friends Charlie Hunter (on eight string guitar, which equals guitar+ bass) and Steve Jordan on drums. And what hit me the hardest, above the freaking awesome musicianship, was what the song meant. Now let me say...i can probably sing almost all of John Mayer's songs (yes, even wonderland), but i am sad to admit that i most likely have not taken the time to listen to what all the songs are about. Part of the problem being that i received all of his stuff about 2 months ago from Christopher Massad, who i am eternally indebted to for doing so, and so listened to all of them at once, on repeat, over and over again. So while my brain allowed me to memorize most of the words, it did not allow me to process them. Which also might stem from the fact that i just listen to music for the instruments and John Mayer can play a mean guitar solo (which Chris knows, for we even sing those out-loud). So, when i actually take the time to really sit and listen to the lyrics, i find they have such deep meaning (because they are not all about a girls body). But, "In Repair" was not one of the songs i had had a chance to do that with. So, when John started relating what the song meant, i must say i was interested...

"The lyric idea for 'In Repair' came from this kind of knowledge about the way people are; that we're always either on the way down, or the way up, and you never really enjoy the moment when it's all put together cause it probably never really is. Those moments when things come apart is only setting you up for that moment where you put it back together again, and you're so surprised that it's coming back together again. There's this beauty in the idea of being in repair..."

That spoke to me. Especially with the season of life i am in. And i think even Suzie can relate to this one, even if it is John Mayer. That life does have its ups and downs, and i feel like i am at the crux of it. One season ended...a season full of life and love and growth, especially growth, and great friends that i miss everyday, and especially every night before i drift off to sleep and i am left alone with my thoughts. To the point where i feel like i have lost a leg or an arm (and if David is reading this, more so than my car or phone). And i get ghost pains every now and then, and i want to reach out for that part of me that use to be there, but i can't. Yet, i have this knowledge of future things to come, and it fills me with a hope that sort of balances out the troubled feelings, and i am left with a feeling that i can't really put my finger on, one that moves inside of me, but eludes me. And it is comforting to know that most of my friends also feel this way, even if we do not really know how to say it...we are in repair, and (i was waiting for this moment) i think God gives us these times, these times where we are "coming back together again", to grow us in to the kinds of people he wants us to become.

If you are reading this, and we are separated for the time being, i just want to say that i miss you...and i look forward to seeing you again.

Spell-Check Poetry

2007-06-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

Calamity of the street process surrounding me,
I am fixated in a fanatical mood,
Peddling surrounding; paced, regrettably ebbing,
Onward landmark atop landmark loom,
Lament the distance…

Daft, foiled, disappointed,
Clamber impure, industrial, engineering advances,
Traverse mingling structures,
Exceed infringing masses,
Breathe in noxious breath after venomous breath…

Mechanically triggered thoughts tick,
Rapidity, alacrity, haste the movements,
Deliberation, discharge synapses,
Collapse expenses, navigate expanses,
Abide life superficial…

Preference a selective instrument,
Solitary mechanism set distinctive, near inimitability,
Exceeding preceding limits,
Employing superior alternatives,
Pacification of prior constraints:
The calamity of the street process surrounding me.