Sucker Punched

Wow.  Hullo December '08.  Where'd you come from?  I wasn't expecting you so soon...

I feel a lot has happened this past year.  Start with an epic death-defying grand hike with brothers in arms, move on to a bachelor pad of grandiose proportions that robbed me blind, master the art of hand-crafted espresso beverages, slide in to spring with new friends and adventures, inject it with stunning and sometimes surprising visits from the best of old friends, splash in an escape and a move, dice it up with old age and the ending of loved ones, and don't forget to paint the glaze of new emotions of a relationship that is both new and old, beginning and ending and full of expression that can't be held on to long enough, all whilst remembering that good man upstairs that i can't quite seem to be able to meet face to face with.

Life.  Breath.  I feel the need to breathe deeply.

I think this year took me a little by surprise.  It hasn't felt like all that much as it has gone by, but the sum of it all seems quite spectacular.  I wonder what it would have looked like if it was walked a little more along the straight and narrow.  But it is nearing its end.  And there is not much that can be done now but to press on.

I am excited once again for the future and what it has to offer me in its outstretched hands.  If i were to sum it up in to a paragraph in a year from now i imagine it to be even more sensational than the one above.  Pray for me please.  I've started praying again, so you will be spoken for from time to time as well.  I promise.  And i look forward to holding you in my arms again.

Fallin' apart, and i'm sure, i could stand, on the Great Salt Lake.

November 7, 2008

My grandpa Bob was admitted to the hospital today.  He began shaking when my brother and aunt were with him late this morning due to some pain he was experiencing, and so they rushed him to the ER.  It turned out his white blood count was low and his blood pressure had dropped.  Due to the testing he was taken off of his pain killers and was been experiencing a lot of pain.  I didn't get to the hospital until about 8 o'clock tonight, after getting off of work at 7.

I have never dealt with such frailty and helplessness before.  And while it is not the strong grandfather i know, there is no less admiration for the man.  He manages to maintain his sense of humor, even in the extreme pain.  He has bone cancer that has spread throughout his body, and i have heard that it is one of the most painful things a person can experience.  Your bones literally are expanding due to the uncontrolled growth of cells caused by the tumors.  Even with morphine patches and constant doses of advil, he is in constant pain.  But today he went from a 4, to an 8, on a 1-10 pain scale.

And so he needed help in every way.  We were there to help him move, to shift him in bed, to get him water, when just this morning he could get around himself.  But the wondrous thing is the way in which everyone acts (and there is no good word for this) together, to bring the most comfort possible to my grandfather.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to be so dependent on other people for every aspect of life, but it is such a beautiful thing.  Interdependence on family.  There is nothing too awkward, or too far out of the question.  Everything is fine, and everything is manageable.

I held my grandfathers hand for a while this evening.  His eyes were closed and i wasn't sure exactly how he was feeling at that point, but all i could do was pray and hold on.  I felt close to God in the hospital room.  I new God's presence again, for the first time in while.  I wasn't sure to what extent my prayers were answered, but i noticed my grandpa's breathing begin to steady, and his grip become firm, and i could only hope that perhaps God had taken some of the pain away.

I am not sure what will happen from here, we have been wondering for a long time how long my grandpa Bob would hold on for, and i believe he has outlived all of our greatest expectations.  Just the fact that he is here in Arizona is a testament to his will power.  But whatever happens, i have been grateful for this time.  Grateful that God brought me back here to Arizona when i was asking for guidance.  Grateful that my Grandpa has had the strength to make biscuits for me, sourdough starter, and tell me about his life here in the desert, of hunting and experiencing the raw nature of this landscape.  I have said that i have felt unproductive in this time, but perhaps the most productive thing i have done in a long time has been to sit and listen to my grandfather share his life with me.

What Wonder

Let man then contemplate the whole of nature in her full and exulted majesty.  Let him turn his eyes from the lowly objects which surround him.  Let him gaze on the brilliant light set like an eternal lamp to illuminate the Universe; let the earth seem to him a dot compared with the vast orbit described by the sun, and let him wonder at the fact that this vast orbit itself is not more than a very small dot compared with that described by the stars in their revolutions around the firmament.  But if our vision stops here, let the imagination pass one; it will exhaust its powers of thinking long before nature ceases to supply it with the material for thought.  All this visible world is no more than an imperceptible speck in natures ample bosom.  No idea approaches it.  We may extend out conceptions beyond all imaginable space; yet produce only atoms in comparison with the reality of things.  It is an infinite sphere, the center of which is everywhere, the circumference nowhere.  In short, it is the greatest perceptible mark of God's almighty power that our imagination should lose itself in that thought.

Returning to himself, let man consider what he is compared with all existence; let him think of himself as lost in his remote corner of nature; and from this little dungeon in which he finds himself lodged-i mean the Universe-let him learn to set a true value on the earth, its kingdoms, and cities, and upon himself.  What is man in the infinite?. . .

For, after all, what is man in nature?  A nothing in comparison with the infinite, an absolute in comparison with nothing, a central point between nothing and all.  Infinitely far from understanding these extremes, the end of things and their beginning are hopelessly hidden from him in an impenetrable secret.  He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness from which he came, and the infinite in which he is engulfed.  What else then will he perceive but some appearance in the middle of things, in an eternal despair of knowing either their principle or their purpose?  All things emerge from nothing and are born onward to infinity.  Who can follow this marvelous process?  The Author of these wonders understands them.  None but He can.

-Blaise Pascal-

To think, this was written about 300 years before Louie Giglio was born.  I guess it's all jazz anyways.  I wish i could form english words like Pascal.  This is for a lack of inspiration on my part, even if these words inspire me, haha.  Back to God now.

Bollocks

Well dear friends and patriots...i don't know what to say for myself.

I was listening to Divine Romance the other day in the Tacoma and it was the first time i didn't get chills.

When i think of romance i think of a man and a woman.  I think of physicality.  I had a hard time thinking about God in romantic terms when Natalie first introduced me to the concept back in high school.  It just didn't feel write.  But i came to understand what she was talking about with time, and the song by Phil Wickham was excellent when i heard it for the first time.

Although thinking about it now i feel like perhaps i got stuck there with God.  To put it brashly, i was using God for the sex.  Instead of taking what he was filling me up with, the light and the warmth of his presence and spirit, and using it as he commanded me, i kept it for myself.  I returned to him day after day for the self-satisfaction, for the high.  I wasn't taking it to the "nations."  I wasn't taking it to the hungry, the wretched, the poor.

I have been hiding my lamp under a bowl.  I feel i have been taking God and using Him to propagate my own name, instead of giving Him the glory.  If you were to ask my co-workers about me, they would most likely say i am a good guy, a hard-worker, a trustworthy person.  But they wouldn't be able to tell you that i am a follower of Christ, a child of God, a disciple of love.  Just that i did well by them and never crossed anyone.

I like to talk big.  I like to shoot off my mouth.  But like Aley pointed out, words are very empty without deeds.  Sure, i did a lot at New Hope Mililani.  I was involved in a lot of ministries.  But it is easy within the security of the four walls of the church.  I talk about being bigger than the institution of the church as a building, but am i bigger than the structure?  I don't think i am.  I think i found a comfort zone in Hawaii, a place where i was secure and could do my thing with out any worry of consequence.  People loved me and i loved me.  My ego was fat, and i liked it.  But when i lost those safe walls, and really had to leave my crib, what came of it?  Nothing.

For a little while i felt like this was Satan speaking lies to me.  Trying to diminish things God had accomplished through me.  But i know this not to be true.  I know God gave me a greater calling, and i threw it back in His face.  I decided i liked my comfortable faith, restricted to the confines i was use to, and didn't want to move on beyond that.  And so God has left me at this point.  He has left me here and is waiting for me to pick back up with Him.

Now, the hope would be that after writing this post, after spilling my feelings and emotions, and realizing what i have done, that i would start back up again.  But i don't see that happening.  Honestly, i see myself continuing on as i have.  And that sounds dark, but it also sounds true to me.  These rants tend to be like movies and books, like entertainment.  We enjoy the stories, and the power they have to move us, but do we really allow them to change us?  Do we really let the inspiring tales spur us on to action, or do we as consumers just rape them for their pleasure?  I think i am a rapist.

This year holds many promises for me, many opportunities and advantages.  I really do not know if any of it is in-line with the will of God.  I frankly do not know how to even determine God's will.  My old superstitions about callings and closed doors have been exposed.  And so i cannot really say that i know that what i am doing is what God would have me do.  But perhaps i am being too definite with what lies under the umbrella of God's will.  I don't know, you tell me, as long as i am obeying His commands, as long as i am being the Church as outlined in the New Testament, am i obeying His will?  Or is there more to it than that?  Does my every deed have to be supernaturally ordained?  Does God have to speak to me from the heavens and say, "Kevin.  Today you shall walk to the store and buy a gallon of milk."?  I guess that leads me to the question, which i asked Suzie before, does God's will pertain to every part of my life?  Or only some parts?  Because i think you all would probably laugh at the idea of waiting for God to tell me to buy milk for my cereal before actually going to the store and getting it.  I feel i have been told, "That is what the Holy Spirit is for, for the little parts of your life."  Although i still believe that the Holy Spirit leaves the milk buying decisions up to me.  But what about where i am going to live, and what i am going to do, and who i am going to marry?  Am i suppose to wait for explicit directions from God?  Or the Holy Spirit?  Or is it like milk, am i suppose to figure it out on my own based on what i know He would have for my life?  He wants me to be healthy, i buy milk.  He wants me to spread His glory, i marry a girl who will come alongside me in accomplishing this.

What about heaven?  Does it really exist?  When Jesus says "Today you will be with me in paradise," what the heck was he referring to?  Because he never mentions heaven anywhere in his teachings.  He only talks about the Kingdom of Heaven on earth and the resurrection.  And even when Paul talks about the resurrection later in his letters it sounds like a physical thing.  Not the spiritual soul rising to heaven, but, like Jesus, the physical body being raised from the dead and restored to how it was meant to be before the fall of man.  It sounds like when Jesus returns that the earth will return to how it was in the beginning, without death and decay.  But no where does the Bible talk about everyone going to heaven where God is, other than in Revelations, which is all prophecy anyways.  Not to mention how in the Old Testament it sounds like no one even considers there to be life after death.  This confuses me greatly.

I could go on about the lack of the miraculous in modern times and other things, but i am le tired, and simply ranting now, so i will leave you guys here...good night.

Everything Under the Sun

"Meaningless!  Meaningless!  

Utterly Meaningless!  

Everything is meaningless!"

I have been dwelling on the words of Solomon of late.  And not the usual stuff, such as proverbs and fawn-like breasts...no, but rather his thoughts on misery, wisdom, knowledge, and folly.

I felt a connection with the words in Ecclesiastes.  They seem to have met me where i am.  Solomon's words are (in a word) intense.  I also do not like wrapping them up in to a nice little package and saying that all they are about is how "meaningless life is without God," because they feel like so much more than that when i read them.  They feel like struggle, and anguish, and doubt, and hope, all wrapped up in poetry.

"Light is sweet,

and it pleases the eyes to see the

sun.

However many years a man may live,

let him enjoy them all.

But let him remember the days of darkness,

for they will be many.

Everything to come is meaningless."

And i have been thinking on that recently.  The meaninglessness of things.  Or rather, the meaning in things.  But, in reading this, i feel the weight of it.  That most of what i do is meaningless.  That most of what i do has very little weight to it.  That i can hold my work in my hands, and let it sift through my fingers, so that it falls and forms pillars of sand on the ground.

Yet i still feel pushed towards things.  I still feel like acting on certain impulses, as if some things matter more than others, as if i need to accomplish a task in life, or many small tasks.

"Be happy, young man, while you are

young,

and let your heart give you joy in the

days of your youth.

Follow the ways of your heart

and whatever your eyes see,

but know for all these things

God will bring you to judgment.

So then, banish anxiety from your heart

and cast off the troubles of your

body,

for youth and vigor are meaningless."

This makes sense to me.  I have known this in my life.  Part of the problem now though is that i feel myself coming to the end of my youth, coming in to adulthood.  Where i am responsible for things.  Where i have to make decisions, and act in the interest of others, rather than just my own.  And i know i am still young, that when i turn twenty in 14 days i will still be in the early years if my life, but i am feeling the weight of my decisions.

"Remember your Creator

in the days of your youth,

before the days of trouble come

and the years approach when you will say,

"I find no pleasure in them" -

before the sun and the light

and the moon and the stars grow

dark,

and the clouds return after the rain;

when the keepers of the house tremble,

and the strong men stoop,

when the grinders cease because they are few,

and those looking through the

windows grow dim;

when the doors of the street are closed

and the sound of grinding fades;

when men rise up at the sound of birds,

but all their songs grow faint;

when men are afraid of heights

and of dangers in the streets;

when the almond tree blossoms

and the grasshopper drags himself

along

and desire no longer is stirred.

Then man goes to his eternal home

and mourners go about the streets.

"Remember him - before the silver cord

is severed,

or the golden bowl is broken;

before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,

or the wheel broken at the well,

and the dust returns to the ground it

came from,

and the spirit returns to God who

gave it."

Now this intrigues me.  I am not sure if i am taking the analogy in the correct way, but i hope i am.  I want to be as the pitcher at the spring, as the wheel at the well.  For when Solomon speaks of a  spring, or a well, i am reminded of living water.  I am reminded of God.  When my time comes, i want it to be as the man in this passage.  I want to be as a vessel being filled by the spring, or as a wheel working to bring water from the earth when i go, in that moment i am taken away.

So i am going to follow the ways of my heart till that time comes, bearing in mind the knowledge of light, the knowledge of my creator, my savior.  I am going to enjoy the presence of my parents.  The company of my brother.  By the sweat of my brow i am going to experience the painful toil and satisfaction of eating off the land.  The fulfillment of creation.  The wonderment of travel.  And perhaps even the knowledge of love.

"Meaningless!  Meaningless!

Everything is meaningless!"

Maybe so.  But perhaps God can give it some meaning through me.

Perfect Love

I wanna see the broken hearts

Finding hope in God above

I wanna know I'm doing all i can

So with this life, with all i am

No matter what the cost may be

I pray to see your love become our cause

I won't stop believing

You alone are, you alone are God

In you there's freedom

Your love brings me to my knees again

We're gonna bring an anthem of love

We're gonna live for you now

This perfect love i can't explain

This way of life that has no end

Your mercy satisfies, it's all i need

My purpose found in you alone

To love the lost and bring them home

For we were made to glorify our King

Your love brings me to my knees again

We're gonna bring an anthem of love

We're gonna live for you

May your love become my every thought

I wanna know the sound of your heart

I wanna live for you now

Singing You

You bring me life

You bring me hope

Cause you're all i need

-I feel this song embodies the life i am called to live.  Every part of it holds a unique significance, but comes together as a whole.  It is an anthem of love, the anthem i believe we, or at least i, have been looking for.  I couldn't have put it better myself...

So Much Sacred in the Month of June

I suppose, as Aley quoted, "Perfect plans cannot be made." My plans are shot. Not really sure where to go from here. I went from having it all figured out, to having it all to figure out. I thought my plan was God's plan, but perhaps i was mistaken. Or perhaps it was God's, being relegated to the past-tense, but i did not handle it properly. Like Loren Cunningham and his boat. Maybe the plan went before the planner. Maybe i turned my back on the architect and ventured outside the balustrade.

And so the possibilities open wide. But i do not feel like weighing all the possibilities. I feel like turning back to the engineer who has the plan. I have neglected him too long now. He knows what i should do next. He knows.

I've Lost My Rushmore.

There are a lot of things i have to live for.  Or, a more apt way of putting it would be to say that there are a lot of things in my life right now that i can dedicate myself to.  But they all seem kind of small, and of little importance.

I feel like i am living for the future, like the things of real meaning will be coming at any moment to sweep me off my feet.  Only this is how i have always lived, forever watching the horizon for that spark of light.  And this is how i continue to live.

Perhaps this is how i will always live too, because if i ever stop looking to subsequent things then maybe i will stop growing.  Landon said that a "valid awe-striking question will always be: where will (I) be in a few years?"  And this question expects me to have some foresight.  Now, if my foresight is held in eyes that are content with my current situation, then will i want to move on?  Or will i want to remain?  Ben Gibbard doesn't want to be a remainder, and neither do i.

But i think i am missing something still.  I don't ever want to be completely content with my locality, but i do want to be fulfilled in whatever predicament i find myself in, knowing i am in the center of God's will.

I think that is what i am looking for.  God's will.  God's will.  God's will.

Why aren't there better sermons on knowing God's will for my life?

Is it wrong of me to feel that God thinks i am wasting my time in Biology this semester?  In English 2?  In Broadcasting?

Is it wrong of me to feel that God thinks i am wasting my time at Vineyard?

Is it wrong of me to feel that God thinks i am wasting my time?  His time.

I am not entirely sure what i should be doing.  One idea is to be raising a crap-load of money for a charitable organization.  Mark and I are planning on biking from Santa Monica to San Francisco this August.  The plan is to get pledges and send the money to people who need it.  Anyone have any ideas for who we should send it to?  I am going to be praying about it.  Please join me (in praying that is).

I Get It Now

I understand now.  Why it is we love LOST so much.  It is all so clear.

My mom gets offended when i do not read a book she recommends.  Or when i do not listen to a recording she likes.  I start to feel this way sometimes towards others when they do not take my recommendations.  But i realize this is exactly what i do to my mother, and so let it go.  Because sometimes you know when God wants you to read something.  And also when he doesn't.  Landon, you know what i am talking about.

This is how it has been with Velvet Elvis.  I have known about the book for years.  I have known that it is a good book for years.  I even went so far as to purchase it last semester.  Yet, i never felt called to read it.  Until now.  And i must say, this is the time God had for me to read it.  They say God cares about the small things in our lives.

I am not very far in.  Rob has been talking about trampolines, and springs, and how springs are not like bricks, and how it is not about being in, it is about jumping.  And that is one of the things God is giving to me for this time.  I have been looking to convert people to Christianity.  To a set of rules and beliefs.  Instead of inviting them to jump with me.  Instead of showing them a backflip, and laughing, and taking them by the hand, and giving them a double bounce that will send them soaring.

The other thing, the thing that i did not understand until now, is about the vastness of God.  The sheer limitlessness of His nature.  How we can never fully understand Him.  How we will never have all the answers.  Because there in lies the beauty.  It is the fact that God is beyond our understanding.  That we can continue to question, and probe, but we will never fully understand.

I use to think that in death, upon my entrance in to heaven, that i would start to understand completely.  But this isn't so.  We will just be exposed to even more.  And begin to question even more.  And God will only bounce us a little higher and show us a new trick we haven't seen before.  And we will all laugh with delight.  But we won't completely get it.  Not now.  Not then.  Not ever.

And that is the key.  That is why we love LOST so much.  It is the fact that the more you find out, the more you need to know.  The more questions you begin to have.  The deeper you get pulled in.  And the more giddy pleasure you receive.

But for some strange reason LOST tends to frustrate the heck out of me when i think of not knowing all the answers.  Of not coming to a solid conclusion in the end.  Yet, with God, i am at peace with not having all the answers.  I feel like sitting back an smiling.  And worshipping Him for all he has done.  And for the little i do understand.

It is like i have said before.  Paul wrote in contradictions.  And this is because we live in a paradox.  Our faith is a paradox.  And it "is more about celebrating the mystery than conquering it."  Or so says Mr. Bell.

I concur.  Let's jump.

Dandelions

-Denny's till 1AM

-Spontaneous Diddy Reise

-Greyhound Journey

-Slumber

-Extra Extras

-Air Support for a Fellow Brother In Arms

-Death Treks

-Mega-Tots

-Crampons

-Seattle's Best....................COFFEE

-Christmas Eve Mountaineering

-Easter Goods

-Hana Hou!

-LAX

-Adrien Brody

-Ho Drizzle

-Spotting Elk

-Heat Rash

-All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes

-Sledding

-All the Small Things

-O Brother Quotes

-Secret Reproduction Desires

-I Hate Sarah Marshall

-Wild Pigs

-Muscle Beach

-Aaron Weiss

-Jessica Biel

-Tatsu

Dying

A friend once told me:  "Kevin.  Wherever you are.  Be all there."  And i think it was the best piece of advice he ever gave me.  He basically went on to explain that he meant, wherever i am, whatever i am doing, give it my best go.  Don't just let opportunities pass me by.  And i think this was the best piece of advice he ever gave me.  Now.  I think the way he meant it, and the way he personally applied it to his own life, is a little different than how i took it from him.  But i believe it taught me an important lesson.

It is a hard thing to live out though.  Too give any and every moment your all.  And i mean that in the since of doing things, all out, as yourself, in Christ.  That no matter the situation, you present yourself as a follower of Jesus.  Without holding back.  Now.  This doesn't mean i want to go around preaching and praying 24/7.  It's just a matter of living in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.

Yet.  I hold back in many situations.  Primarily group situations.  I suppose it is because about 50 percent of my thought process leads me back to God.  Which i am glad for.  But i am always afraid of speaking it to others.  And i feel this keeps me from being all there.  I shy away from sharing what is really on my mind.  Instead i op for a poor joke.  Or an appeasing smile.

Tonight i spoke about Standing by Your Convictions at a bible study.  About not trying to please people, but instead please God.  About letting Him be your confidence, your fulfillment.  And i realized that this is something i struggle with.

I tend to focus on one or two primary struggles in my life.  One or two sins i can't seem to get a hold on.  But i think part of the problem is i am too hell bent on quitting them.  This might be something the enemy has done to distract me.  Perhaps i should walk in victory.  And focus more on the things that will build my faith, rather than the things that can tear it down.

So here i am.  Trying to please everyone around me.  Afraid of turning someone off by speaking what i know to be the truth.  While the angels are waging war against the demons.  And God sits on His throne.  In all His majesty.  Ushering forth his Kingdom.

If i have the Holy Spirit in me.  Why don't i walk in that?  In the full power of the Lord God Almighty.  I AM.  Do i not fully accept this?  Do i not fully believe that i have been redeemed?  If i believe in the cross.  Which i do.  And if i believe in the resurrection.  Which i do.  Then why don't i fully believe, wholeheartedly, that i have a living, tangible being dwelling inside me?  Is it a question of my faith?  Or does it stem from not being part of the miraculous?  Not experiencing the full power that the Holy Spirit has to offer?  And i want to blame this on the church of America.  I want to blame this on televangelists, and slick preachers who have turned off so many people to God.  But.  Really.  It comes down to me.  It boils down to God and i.  It comes down to my relationship with Him and how far i am willing to die to myself.

It is strange.  I feel like i die to myself a little more each day.  That the more i strive after God, the more i put off my old self.  But didn't i already die?  Wasn't i reborn?  New in Christ?  So why am i still dying?  Why am i still holding on to the things of this world?  Hasn't the old gone?  Hasn't the new come?

I suppose this is why Paul tends to speak in paradoxes.  And i love the way he writes them.  So i will end with this: 2 Corinthians 6:3-10.  Read slowly.

We put no stumbling block in anyones path, so that our ministry will not be discredited.  Rather, As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything.

Phone Phun

Here is the view from the front door of the place i was staying at, starting with the day the winds shifted after all those fires last year...focus on the horizon and watch the gradual change...

Almost Normal Day...notice there are mountains!

A good day...and unobstructed view...haha...

After a rain...how it should look...

Relient K Show!  Cheepartay!

DISCLAIMER: NOT ACTUALLY FROM KEVIN'S PHONE, ALTHOUGH HE DID RECORD IT ON HIS PHONE.  THIS ONE IS MUCH BETTER FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAVd4ZddNiQ

Great show!

And hey!  Guess what!  More great text messages!

Landon:

Next time we talk remind me to tell you about STDs.  Its for accountability.

Landon:

Screw carl sr. and jr. !!

Landon:

Daniels getting baptized! Woo! I feel like my son is getting baptized. Haha

Aley(Part 1):

I am about to read your letter!

Aley (Part 2):

Okay, first, i love the rubber band.  Second, screw you. <3

Rachael:

Dude..i just heard gangster music and for some weird off-balanced-universe reason, you were the first person that came to mind. What the heck!

Landon:

THIS IS THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS OLD! YOU ARE DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF LANDON. dude my body is freaking out because im cold here! Ah!

Suzie (via Landon):

Kevin youz a ho. Shleighshleigh gonna slap you around. I am something to be proud of.

My response:

Psh! That two timey little ho? She can't touch me...proud?

Landon (for Suzie):

She said "iz on. I beat cho a??down when i get thurr." idk. I just dont know

My response:

Biznatch Pulleaze! You'ze be playing a fool! Better stop playin round ya know whats good fo ya!

Landon:

Dude i totally drooled a huge puddle in my sleeping bag! Ahaha!

Alex:

Dude. Tug is in my bio lab class. If i was Landon i'm take a creep picture but i don't want to get punched in the face. He's even dressed like him.

To (K)LANZZZ:

I just saw a license plate that read LANZILA!  Haha!

To Alex (out of context):

No. I think yours are smaller.

Suzie:

Wish you were here! I need a muscular boy to feed grapes to sirens.

Chris (on my encounter with Jessica Biel):

Motherfucker.

Landon:

Dude i just died. Psalm 78:34-42

Thats all folks!

(...for now...)

Revolutionary Love

Desperation leads us here
Leads us here
Illumination meets us here
Meets us here
Revelation brings us here
Brings us here
Restoration frees us here
Frees us here

And I don't want to leave
I don't want to leave this place
No, I don't want to leave
I never want to leave this place

It's so amazing
Your unchanging love
Simply amazing
Never changing love
Love, love a revolutionary love

Reparation leads us here
Leads us here
Liberation meets us here
Meets us here
Jubilation brings us here
Brings us here
Higher elevation frees us here
Frees us here

And I don't want to leave
I don't want to leave this place
No, I don't want to leave
I never want to leave this place

Your revolutionary love
Your revolutionary love, love, love

You're a revolution I want to be
Revolutionary
You're a revolution I want to be
Revolutionary
You're a revolution I want to be
Love, love, love
Revolutionary love

-I feel this sums up how i felt last night...and it was the first song i put on.

-I didn't need to climb the boulder.

I Told You So

I feel this is something God could repeat very often.

"Talented with reason, i cover all the angles.  I can fail before i ever try."

It seems God gave us the gift of foresight.  We can take memories of the past to conjur up possible outcomes for situations of the future.  Theoretically we can make the best of any situation if we just think things through before acting.  Yet we still fail.

I suppose this could be contributed to the fact that we come upon new situations that seem unfamiliar to us and make wrong dicisions.  But God also gave us the ability to learn from others.  People have gone before us and made the wrong decisions.  They tell us in illaborate ways not to play with fire, to wash our hands before eating, to just say no.  Yet we still fail.

So we make mistakes.  It is okay.  Very few are lethal.  We live on to make the right decision the next time around.  Encountering the same thing we did at some point in the past our minds return to the situation and let us know of how things will most likely turn out.  We have the power to course correct.  Yet we still fail.

And this i don't understand.  Why do we continue to fail?  Why do i continue to fall short?  I suppose all i can do is continue to love God for the grace he lavishly pours out on us.  And pray that next time, maybe, just maybe, the next time i won't fail again.