It is a hard thing to live out though. Too give any and every moment your all. And i mean that in the since of doing things, all out, as yourself, in Christ. That no matter the situation, you present yourself as a follower of Jesus. Without holding back. Now. This doesn't mean i want to go around preaching and praying 24/7. It's just a matter of living in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.
Yet. I hold back in many situations. Primarily group situations. I suppose it is because about 50 percent of my thought process leads me back to God. Which i am glad for. But i am always afraid of speaking it to others. And i feel this keeps me from being all there. I shy away from sharing what is really on my mind. Instead i op for a poor joke. Or an appeasing smile.
Tonight i spoke about Standing by Your Convictions at a bible study. About not trying to please people, but instead please God. About letting Him be your confidence, your fulfillment. And i realized that this is something i struggle with.
I tend to focus on one or two primary struggles in my life. One or two sins i can't seem to get a hold on. But i think part of the problem is i am too hell bent on quitting them. This might be something the enemy has done to distract me. Perhaps i should walk in victory. And focus more on the things that will build my faith, rather than the things that can tear it down.
So here i am. Trying to please everyone around me. Afraid of turning someone off by speaking what i know to be the truth. While the angels are waging war against the demons. And God sits on His throne. In all His majesty. Ushering forth his Kingdom.
If i have the Holy Spirit in me. Why don't i walk in that? In the full power of the Lord God Almighty. I AM. Do i not fully accept this? Do i not fully believe that i have been redeemed? If i believe in the cross. Which i do. And if i believe in the resurrection. Which i do. Then why don't i fully believe, wholeheartedly, that i have a living, tangible being dwelling inside me? Is it a question of my faith? Or does it stem from not being part of the miraculous? Not experiencing the full power that the Holy Spirit has to offer? And i want to blame this on the church of America. I want to blame this on televangelists, and slick preachers who have turned off so many people to God. But. Really. It comes down to me. It boils down to God and i. It comes down to my relationship with Him and how far i am willing to die to myself.
It is strange. I feel like i die to myself a little more each day. That the more i strive after God, the more i put off my old self. But didn't i already die? Wasn't i reborn? New in Christ? So why am i still dying? Why am i still holding on to the things of this world? Hasn't the old gone? Hasn't the new come?
I suppose this is why Paul tends to speak in paradoxes. And i love the way he writes them. So i will end with this: 2 Corinthians 6:3-10. Read slowly.
We put no stumbling block in anyones path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything.
