Stuck

I feel stuck.  I feel unable.  I feel, well, a little bit tipsy.

Drinking Japanese whisky and watching Sons of Anarchy is a good way to pass an evening.

This summer was interesting to say the least.  May:  Finishing college, bartending for the best money I've ever made, officially dating a girl for the first time in years, and working on a high-potential documentary.  And by the end of summer: spent an extra $1,300 to graduate three months late, lost my job, lost the girl, and hated the documentary gig.  Hence why I ran away for a spell.  But that only delayed my problems.

Now I am working as a backwait (aka: busser).  I am still not getting paid for the film work that I have spent probably close to 500 hours on.  I am living in a house in "China" as Kassey likes to refer to it for its extreme southerly orientation with a racist roommate who possesses firearms (sorry Lan, had to mention it in some capacity).  I kind of have one close friend and no prospects for a serious relationship with a girl.  And $3,000 of debt on top of my twenty-some thousand of student loans that is coming due.

I took a "good hard look" at myself in the mirror last night.  I think it was the first time I've ever really experienced that saying.  You start to notice things about yourself.  I noticed that my right eye is slightly smaller, and lower than my left.  I have known my features to not be perfectly symmetrical, but I didn't notice the eye thing before.  But beyond that exterior imperfection, I looked in to my eyes and saw my shortcomings.  The distance I have fallen from where I would like to be.  And I gave myself a little drunken-pep-talk.  It seemed fitting.

I'm trying to figure out what I want from life.  Scratch that.  I'm trying to figure out the best way to get what I want out of life.  And I am realizing that this is no easy task.

I feel the victim of consequence.  I made no choices that landed me in the place I am now.  It just sort of happened.  Maybe a little more due diligence would have kept me from where I am, but it definitely wasn't negligence.

All I know is I need to keep striving.  Need to keep pushing for what I want.  And that's a difficult thing.  But I am starting to feel that this is what it means to be an adult.  To be a "man."  That despite the shit, I need to make things happen.  Somehow.

I look around myself and put things in perspective.  We are all in a world of shit.  But it sure is a beautiful, steaming pile.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Okay, maybe for 23 grand to get me out of debt, but are you really gonna hold that against me?