Self

I had an AHA! moment the other day after reading Landon's last post.

By the way, where did that saying come from? The "aha moment" saying that is.

I think i figured out why i have been so happy.

O yeah, by the way, i'm happy.

And i think it has something to do with finding myself.

And by the way, it is only on blogspot that i could seriously say that i "found myself"...

Further tangent: where did "finding oneself" come from?

So i was reflecting on how i have felt these past two years. The emptiness and confusion. Starting with my move to Santa Monica and the ensuing depression. And then my seclusion from the Lord. Followed by my return to Arizona and relationship with Aley. Ending with the summer in Hawaii and move to Denver. When i realized something.

I feel i have rediscovered myself inside of a this new context i have been given.

Leaving Hawaii i held my identity inside of the community of believers and friends i had known for the foregoing 9 years. Leaving that context i didn't really know who i was. It was like i had lost my identity. Fallen off the page.

This is turn effected my relationship with God, because the way in which i related to Him had changed. It was only me now. And God is a little scary up close.

I then sought out the familiarity of home, with family, where i did not have to question my position or role. Yet, inside of this comfort, i sought out a new order. With a woman. So that i could easily transition in to my new place in life with somebody by my side. Who was also searching for their role in this world.

Yet this was not meant to be. We were not suitable to provide for one another's needs. To complete each other. Define eachother.

And so this past summer in Hawaii was initially a return to what i always wanted, but turned in to a freaking nightmare. I went a little crazy. I confess. What i wanted for so long to return to was not what i thought it would be.

So i moved here. A little disillusioned to say the least. And extremely apprehensive.

But as the weeks have passed, i have found things to be quite heartening. And i think it is because i have finally figured out who i am inside of this new, individual context. I am finally doing what i have wanted to do for so long, and succeeding. God is giving me the desires of my heart.

So i am largely alone. But intensely in love with everything. I get those pangs from time to time, when i think of my mom and dad. When i think of my brother. When i think of my brothers. My sisters. Those little tinges of homesickness in the soul. But they are brief and fleeting.

I am loving Denver. I haven't even gotten out of the city in the past month and a half.

So i am curious what comes next.

I suppose i have crested this ridge. Left the valley behind me and climbed. And i am filled with excitement at the view that stretches before me. The possibilities that are to yet unfold.

I can feel the wind against my cheeks. And breathe a sigh of relief through a growing smile.