Eve

A written record of your own life can be surprising.

Reading back over my posts of the last four years reveals this movement that I did not realize had been so intentional.  These desires I was having, moving to decisions made, causing tangible results.  It's fascinating.

I wasn't happy with where I was so I made some changes - had some set backs - but ultimately landed (more or less) exactly where I wanted to be.

It's extremely reassuring.  The only thing that hasn't really pieced together like I would have hoped is the relational side of things.  But relationships aren't like careers and life moves.  They tend to be much more finicky.  Though I have improved by leaps and bounds.

It has taken time.

The first two years in Denver felt like a lifetime, and the last four (nearly) have felt like a blur.

It makes me all the more excited for what is to come.  Between traveling, and relocating.  I am curious to see when I will once again be looking back and reflecting on what I have accomplished.  And at that time how far I will still feel from where I need to be.

Awake

I kind of like living where I don't have to wake up.

Affair

Girls are fucking insane. And I think I'm having a love affair with coffee.

Who

It's one thing to say you want to do something.  It's another to actually do it.  It's one person who'll say they'll do something, and another who'll actually do it.

Strait

So let me get this strait.  I get one lifetime.  And one love of my life to spend that one lifetime with.  And you want me to lower my standards?

Propensity

I don't understand the propensity for knowing every terrible thing that happens around the world.  It's hard enough hearing bad news first hand.  I don't really want to know what terrible thing just happened on the other side of the world.  But then again, I can fly there in less than a day.

Listening

Listening to 405 by Death Cab for Cutie takes me back to nights lying on the floor of Landon's bedroom.  It's late and dark.  The night reflective of experiencing youth turning in to adulthood.  Everything mysterious and new, not sure what lies very far ahead, hidden in the dark.  Feeling an intensely easy connection to people still very foreign to other personal lives I've so far grown to know.

Familiarity still primarily grounded to my parents and by association my one brother.  Parents are your reality as a child.  Life defined by the people they are.  Now an entirely frightening idea.

And so here I lie, or there I laid, on the fairly barren floor of a newfound brother in arms, surrounded by four bodies of whom I am, or was, only slightly beginning to understand, and listening to music fresh and innovative to my soul.  My brain turns, or turned, these musical impressions in to very distinct memories and intertwined feelings.

Now I sit, or lie, listening to the same music, perfectly preserved by digital reproduction, and I am transported back in time some 7 odd years.

Adulthood no longer so dark and unknown.  Time has revealed some of its secrets, shed light on some of these mysteries.  The song 405 holds a little more personal meaning than it ever could have those 7 years before.  But the emotional relationship is the same.

It keeps me thrown askew.

Space

It is dark in my apartment.  There is precipitation outside.  That nasty looking strawberry at the bottom of the basket was the sweetest and most delicious.

I find inspiration through others and that leads me to believe I am extroverted.  Reading the blogs of Landon and Suzie (and Suzie) inspired me to write this post.

Last night at work I got to bar tend more so than bar back.  It was slow, and so nice.  I got to smile at people, and have conversations, and craft beverages and make recommendations.  People seemed happy.  It wasn't like Saturday night where I was pressed to get things done; fill waters, polish glasses, empty bus tubs, and have drunk people get angry about the price of the wine they ordered.  But I made forty-five more dollars on Saturday.  That's the trade off.

I really want to open some kind of hospitality place.  What exactly that will look like is ever changing in my mind.  Part of traveling in the future includes the ability to be witness to many different hospitable spots around the world.  What they look like, smell like, taste like, feel like.  Most importantly what they feel like.  I want people to feel welcome and taken care of in whatever space I open.  I want them to be greeted by smiling bar tenders.  Not because I told the bar tenders to smile, but because the guests are excited to be there and the bar tenders are excited to serve them—to play a part in offering them something they cannot get elsewhere.

For me these things come through in light, texture, music.  Through exceedingly high quality beverages of varying sorts.  Through food that surprises and comforts.

The vision of this place solidifies a little more each day and I am excited to someday walk the space and greet every person who fills it with their presence and helps bring it to life.

I kind of want to call it Friendship Committee Museum.

Ties

I've written about being tied to a place before.  I am starting to feel a little tied to Denver.  And I have been tying more ties around my neck than ever before.

I thought about leaving at the beginning of the year.  Figured I would venture up to ever so sunny Seattle and help tend a farm.  But then I got offered this job at a cool new restaurant that was opening in the Highlands neighborhood in downtown Denver town and figured I couldn't pass it up.

I feel like I am making the kind of connections that could begin to take me places.  Connections with various people, in various circles, with various important ties and connections to other important people, places and things of varying sorts.  Just to phrase it in the vaguest of ways.  This is both exciting and terrifying.

It's kind of like that serious relationship I am kind of glad I am not in.  That one that would keep me tied down.  Keep me from moving and shaking like any savvy, well, you know: twenty-something.

I had lunch with an old high school friend of mine today. Which is a funny thing to be able to say now that I am nearly six years out of that four year institution.  And what did it make me think of?  More than reminiscing about those four years, I reminisced about the four years after them, and the two following those four—thought about the two that will follow this one.  What I have done and what I will do.

Eva, the friend I had Pho' with today, has graduated with an art degree, has been working at an art museum and is about to start her masters degree.  I graduated with an art degree, in film to be specific, have completed a couple feature length docs and am working on a successful bar-tending resume...haha.  I think we are both more or less where we figured we would be six years ago.  Actually, fuck that shit, I don't think I am anywhere near where I thought I would be six years ago.

If you had asked me then I would probably tell you that by now I would be done with school (check), working with a production company or tending to my own (semi-check), married (ha!), working on Chinese Waters (yeah, no longer a Christian) and maybe thinking about having a kid soon (double ha!).

I am definitely not as far along as I thought I would be in this so called life.  But, that said, all these connections and possible opportunities that could take me to that further along place, well, they make me nervous.

Like that metaphorical relationship: while the closeness that comes with being tied down is nice, it can also be a little restricting.  I may want to disappear in a year.  You know, purchase a plane ticket and see where it takes me, but if I am building upon business relationships and opportunities here in Denver—will I want to?

I am left with this choice, this choice to work hard and make things happen.  To really make shit happen.  Part of me wants that.  Really wants that.  Then there is a part of me that wants to skate by, take the easy way; ride it out.  And then in a year—disappear.

Tonight as I drove home I wondered if I could have both.  If I could work hard, make lots of great connections, and then disappear.  Just return in a year or two and pick up where I left off.  But I don't believe it works that way.

We had a craft beer rep for a local brewery tell us during one of our days filming for our documentary that he can't stop distributing to a liquor store for a week without loosing the rapport that he has built with them.  He works for a small upstart brewery and they were having problems with supplying enough beer to fill the demand.  Arguably a good problem to have.  But that said, he couldn't just stop and then pick back up where he had left off with these guys who were counting on his product to fill their shelves.  He had to maintain that relationship.

I really want to build some good relationships.  Or do I?

Stuck

I feel stuck.  I feel unable.  I feel, well, a little bit tipsy.

Drinking Japanese whisky and watching Sons of Anarchy is a good way to pass an evening.

This summer was interesting to say the least.  May:  Finishing college, bartending for the best money I've ever made, officially dating a girl for the first time in years, and working on a high-potential documentary.  And by the end of summer: spent an extra $1,300 to graduate three months late, lost my job, lost the girl, and hated the documentary gig.  Hence why I ran away for a spell.  But that only delayed my problems.

Now I am working as a backwait (aka: busser).  I am still not getting paid for the film work that I have spent probably close to 500 hours on.  I am living in a house in "China" as Kassey likes to refer to it for its extreme southerly orientation with a racist roommate who possesses firearms (sorry Lan, had to mention it in some capacity).  I kind of have one close friend and no prospects for a serious relationship with a girl.  And $3,000 of debt on top of my twenty-some thousand of student loans that is coming due.

I took a "good hard look" at myself in the mirror last night.  I think it was the first time I've ever really experienced that saying.  You start to notice things about yourself.  I noticed that my right eye is slightly smaller, and lower than my left.  I have known my features to not be perfectly symmetrical, but I didn't notice the eye thing before.  But beyond that exterior imperfection, I looked in to my eyes and saw my shortcomings.  The distance I have fallen from where I would like to be.  And I gave myself a little drunken-pep-talk.  It seemed fitting.

I'm trying to figure out what I want from life.  Scratch that.  I'm trying to figure out the best way to get what I want out of life.  And I am realizing that this is no easy task.

I feel the victim of consequence.  I made no choices that landed me in the place I am now.  It just sort of happened.  Maybe a little more due diligence would have kept me from where I am, but it definitely wasn't negligence.

All I know is I need to keep striving.  Need to keep pushing for what I want.  And that's a difficult thing.  But I am starting to feel that this is what it means to be an adult.  To be a "man."  That despite the shit, I need to make things happen.  Somehow.

I look around myself and put things in perspective.  We are all in a world of shit.  But it sure is a beautiful, steaming pile.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Okay, maybe for 23 grand to get me out of debt, but are you really gonna hold that against me?

Cecelia

I should be writing a philosophy paper and/or editing a film right now, but of course I am inspired to write my first post in months on Blogspot.

I am kind of seeing someone now.  Or on the road to seeing someone.  Let's just say I have a lady friend.  We have had three dates.  I don't know how I feel about all of this.  Let's just say I am processing.

It has been nice.  She is cool, fun, intelligent, real.  But this is the first time I have ever just dated someone.  It is odd being so intimate with someone that I do not really know all that well.  While I feel I have learned a lot in a short amount of time, we are still forming those relational ties that make you feel like you know somebody.  Still feeling each other out.  Still learning who the other person is to the extent that one can learn about another, and feel comfortable with them.  But it has been comfortable thus far.

One of the things that I am a little concerned about is how she feels about me.  I am not sure what she is looking for as a far as a relationship goes.  Hell, I am not really even sure what I am looking for currently. Something somewhat consistent.  Though I have never done this dating thing where you get instantly intimate with someone and then face the possibility of moving on in a month or two.

She is also the most "worldly" girl I have been with, having only semi-recently left the Christian life.  Which is both nice and unnerving at the same time.  Having more secular friends is one thing, but dating someone is another thing entirely.  It solidifies things for myself in a way.

I think what it really boils down to is: I am new at this, and unsure about how to proceed, and there is a lot of pressure involved in this dating game.  But I think I am doing alright.  And if it doesn't work out, I already know what song I will be singing.

-Oh, I am also anxious about graduating, cause I may have fucked myself with this stupid little one credit course I forgot to show up to a number of times.  Hopefully not though!

Uniform

It still smells of death.  I can feel the dried blood with each step I take through the glares of unfamiliar eyes.  Will they realize I am not one of them?  That I don't belong by their campfires at night?  That the food they offer me, the nutrients that help warm my body alongside theirs, could be the same nutrients that help precipitate their death?  A death akin to the man's whose uniform I now bear.

The stains could have come from anywhere.

"Do you know Klosterneuburg?"

I knew the way.

The stains could have come from anywhere.

The pants sit too low.  There was no time for tailoring.  No time to be picky.  If it's anything that could give me away it's this; my pants aren't long enough.  This man was shorter than me.  If I gain any perspective from wearing his uniform, it will be skewed by height.  I wonder what varied perspective a few inches could bring?  There's a thought, given away by the cut of my trousers.

"Time is of the essence.  I hope you are a strong swimmer."

I've swam in a few lakes.  Treading the cool water on a warm, summer's afternoon.  Now I sit on the edge of the Dunabe, the largest river of this region, contemplating passage.  It may be August, but it's dark out; cold.  This current threatens my life, and so another man may fall victim to death within this uniform.

Maybe it will wash away the stains.

Elation

I have heard it said that anticipation is healthy.  That you feel great happiness in anticipation of things to come.  Sometimes more so than the actual event.  I can perceive this in my life.

Right now I eagerly await the arrival of my family driving up from Arizona.  They should be here any minute.  To see the house I now call home.  To see the restaurant I now call work.  Things it would seem my family should be familiar with.  Things I would like to share with them.

I also feel elated from the first prospect of meeting a girl who is a complete stranger to me and almost (Mr. Can't Closerton) getting her number.  I very well could have.  But now there is the prospect of her returning to my restaurant where we met.  In which case I shall not fail again!

Either way.  The thought that I can pull off flirting with a girl is exciting.  Something that comes natural for most males.  And it is also exciting to know that maybe a new relationship is just around the corner.

So I am excited for things to come.  Excited to head up to Vail with my family shortly.  Excited to snowboard.  Excited to eat lots of great food and drink lots of great drinks.  And even though the future remains uncertain.  It makes me happy to think of it.

Experience

In response to "Lightly; Freely" by Lovenvoy.

Sometimes I feel I have found "that place" here in Denver.  That I have discovered a culture and a community that I enjoy being a part of.  A culture and community that I didn't find in Hawaii.

I have come to realize that I never really belonged in Hawaii.  And not just because I am "haole," but because the type of people and lifestyle I wish to surround myself with doesn't exist there.  Or at least not on the scale I desire.

But there is a restlessness in me.  A part of me that gets nervous at the thought of settling down now.  The idea of things left unexperienced excites me.  Makes me antsy.  Makes me want to find those things and make them mine.  I feel my patience to stick it out in one place comes from a knowing that I am achieving things here that will help me to experience more further down the road.  Remaining here to graduate, to become a skilled bartender, so that wherever I go I may find work.  Or gain the filmmaking job that allows me to travel and experience things.

There is also a nagging to move for the feeling that maybe as much as I like Denver, maybe there is a better place elsewhere.  Maybe I am settling for less than I realize.  Who knows?  Maybe Denver is the best city for me.  But I feel I have to prove it to myself.

It makes me wonder if our information age creates this desire to experience more.  While we are presented with so much, and can easily appreciate these things from the comfort of our couch, there is this idea that what is being presented is better in person.  Which makes sense.  Here is someone on TV, or on your computer, presenting a place to you, and while maybe the visuals are fully experienced via the mediums we have created, you can't sit there and feel the place, taste the food, smell the air.  You can't really know what it is like unless you experience it for yourself.

This bodes of "A Brave New World" type mentality.  Of the future being filled with "EM's," or "Experience Machines."  Where you can feel everything from the comfort of your living room.  Where you can be safe and still know everything there is to know.  As a matter of fact, there is a clever play entitled "Harvest" that touches upon this.  It is an ingenious script.

In the absence of a "God" in my life I have begun to contemplate my own philosophy, so to say.  It is an interesting concept to ponder.  And this is something I have reflected upon recently.  That life as a human is about experiencing.  That when I try to explain why I do not want to die, it is because there is so much I have yet to experience.  That there is so much I still desire to experience.  Because maybe death brings an end to my being.  Maybe there is no experience after death.  And that scares me.  The thought that I have not impacted the world in any significant way is only secondary to simply feeling like I would be missing out.

Why does this matter to me?  I don't know.  Maybe it has to do with a God.  Maybe it has to do with a survival instinct.  All I know is I wish to experience.  And find contentment in the experiencing.  And maybe that is why we never desire death, because we know there is no end to the experiencing.  That's why the God of Christianity is so appealing.  It promises a beautiful experience for all eternity.

Am I home?  I don't know.  But I am searching.

Date

I don't like the concept of dating.

Yet here I am in my early 20's and single.  I feel the need to relent to the dating scene.

But I hate the form.  Hate that it automatically applies pressure to both parties involved.  Obligates each to impress.

Then there is the possibility of rejection, or rejecting.  Either significantly daunting.

I just want to get to know a girl for who she is.  Without this instant physical aspect involved.  For dating choices are only made by physical appearances and initial surface manifestations of character.  And then there is the factor of being isolated in one another's company.  Just tempting interaction beyond communication.  Having the potential to delay realizations of incompatibility.

But relying on the possibility of getting to know a girl as a friend before initiating any romantic sense of a relationship is growing more and more unattractive.  Largely because of the time factor.  As we say, I'm not getting any younger.

So here I rest.  Desiring a relationship of significance with a member of the opposite sex.  But relatively incapable of initiating one due to lack of experience in this area.  Hell, I'm not "lacking" in experience, I have no experience.  I have never, not once, asked a girl out on a date.

Here I would like to blame my Christian upbringing, which is partially to blame, but a large portion of the blame is really on myself for reasons already stated.  Christian kids ask out people all the time.

In conclusion I need to grow some balls and ask a girl out.

Lines

Trying out the new B-spot layout.  Seems nice.

A man that plays trumpet in the worship team at church gave me some advice today.  He said to "Stay in line."

I was telling him about some of my post graduation ideas.  Maybe moving to VC or NY.  Or remaining in Denver and trying to break in to the film scene here.  And his statement was meant to encourage me to remain in a place until I have attained what I am looking for.  Otherwise I may never attain it.

Because people get restless.  Move around.  Loose their so called "Place in line."  And never really attain what they are looking for.

But the people who stay, they move up simply because other people "Leave their place in line."  So maybe you are talented, maybe you have something to offer, but a lot of the time you get where you want in a career because you stick it out.  You wait your turn.

This scares me a little.  I kind of like being a vagabond.  I have been in Denver only two years, and already want to do some more moving and shaking.  It would be nice to stay here, but i am afraid of falling in to a routine.  Becoming complacent.

But at the same time remaining could help me achieve some form of success in life, so that i could afford to travel.  Afford to be a little restless.

Maybe I will find a happy medium in this.  Savor my youth and be a little irresponsible.  And then find my place in line.  Someplace I know I will be happy for 10, 15, 20 years.  Maybe i don't need to find my place right now.  Maybe I can take my ticket in 5.

Old Fashioned

Started watching Mad Men. Two in. It's interesting. Simple. Makes me wonder what I could learn from the men of my grandfathers generation.

What I could learn about things like propriety, chivalry, daring. Being a man's man. How to treat a woman.

Mad Men seems to want to show things through the eyes of today, through the eyes of equality between men and women. Making the men of the show out to be bad men...perchance mad men?

And it seems fitting to my modern mind. To think of these men as sleazy, low-browed, controlling, biggity. But maybe it's possible to gleam some things from them as well. To learn confidence. To learn poise. To have a sense of strength I feel a lot of men loose in this modern world.

I would like to believe I strive for a balance of my Grandfather, my Father, and myself. Of the generations before me and mine own. That I can be both strong and reasonable. Treat a woman well not only in material, but also in an emotional sense. Stand up for what's right, yet still yield to what's necessary.

Not sure what about me makes me want to be this kind of man. What message my hormones are shooting through me and what message my childhood spent with my mother is telling me. But this seems appropriate to me. Fitting. Sane. Sound.

Place 1 sugar cube in old fashioned glass and saturate with 2 dashes bitters and a splash of water. Muddle until dissolved. Fill the glass with ice cubes and add 40ml bourbon, scotch or rye whiskey. Garnish with orange slice, lemon twist and two maraschino cherries.

Happiness

Looking back on my last few posts i realize i haven't written on here since i got my new job. Heck, i haven't written on here in a while period. So...

I got a new job! I am a bar-back at Euclid Hall Bar & Kitchen. Which is a really rad restaurant in downtown Denver. One of a kind. Great food. Great beer. Great atmosphere. And not to mention i have practically doubled my income. Which is funny, because i am still broke.

Though it is nice. I do go out more. And it has helped me to cover expenses i would have been powerless to cover otherwise. I was digging myself in to some credit card debt i wouldn't have been able to pay off with my Starbucks job. Although i did it knowing i would be making more money soon. But i have also payed off my new computer, and the bill for my stupid ass mistake of driving through a giant puddle and needing to get my car fixed. And i have been able to do small trips, and buy things for said trips.

All in all, i am making more money, and spending more money. Next purchase will hopefully be a nice bike. Followed by a season pass to go snowboarding this winter. Not to mention a work schedule that will allow me to enjoy said pass. For i make enough money and still have a three day weekend every week.

Am i happier? Not necessarily. But that wasn't why i wanted more money. It was so i could afford the things to make me happier.

But i read an interesting article recently. That showed that happiness is hard to attain when happiness is the goal. But one thing it did say is that people are generally happy when pursuing meaningful relationships with others. And i do remember writing a certain post about that being my ultimate goal not too long ago.

And so, to also tie in my brief post right before this one, I'm not too happy right now. Because i am lacking meaningful relationships.

So i need a friend. A "best-friend." A "girlfriend." Landon is still my best friend and we haven't lived in the same vicinity for over 4 years now. Although that might change in a year. I wonder what that says about my friendship making abilities?

I think it says that Landon and i are uniquely related in many ways and perhaps i won't ever find another friend like him. But i need some that at least come close. That aren't females.

And then comes the girlfriend. But i already wrote about that.

At least i can afford one now!

Lonely

I keep telling myself i need a girlfriend. For nights like these. Where i text a liturgy of people and get little to no responses. Someone I can rely upon to hang out with.

I also have been seriously lacking in serious conversations. Deep, meaningful conversations. Perhaps because i am keeping pertinent facts about myself away from those closest to me. Perhaps i should start being more honest.

Another issue at hand is that i find i have built close relationships with girls. Who then get boyfriends. Who then stop hanging out with me.

My goal this summer was to get a girlfriend. I appear to be failing.

The problem as i see it is that i don't hang out with the right crowds. All the girls i come in contact with are largely Christian. Therefor eliminating any chance for a serious relationship. I need to find secular crowds with similar interests to mine. I know these crowds exist, i feel close to them when with my film making buddies, but i haven't really found them yet. I think the girls i hang out with at work aren't quite in the right groups.

So here i sit. Alone. On one of my two nights off this week. Unable to find even one person to hang out with. Contemplating drinking a beer and making phone calls.

Le sigh. Next post will be a response to my last two.

Two Quarters

What if we ain't no parts of a whole?

Just two quarters striving to make a half?

Maybe i need a 75% to make me complete.

And so do you.

If there's ever a reason to be together maybe it has nothing to do with completeness.

Maybe we are just meant to make each other happy.

Maybe you just have a smile that makes me light up inside.

Maybe i just get happy sitting across a table from you.

Two cups of coffee in-between.

But i can't beat this thought of so many components building up my happiness.

That you have to be composed of a symphony to bring harmony to me.

But the thing about life is we know it before we understand it.

The math and science comes later.

So maybe two quarters is enough of a whole to make me happy.