November 7, 2008

My grandpa Bob was admitted to the hospital today.  He began shaking when my brother and aunt were with him late this morning due to some pain he was experiencing, and so they rushed him to the ER.  It turned out his white blood count was low and his blood pressure had dropped.  Due to the testing he was taken off of his pain killers and was been experiencing a lot of pain.  I didn't get to the hospital until about 8 o'clock tonight, after getting off of work at 7.

I have never dealt with such frailty and helplessness before.  And while it is not the strong grandfather i know, there is no less admiration for the man.  He manages to maintain his sense of humor, even in the extreme pain.  He has bone cancer that has spread throughout his body, and i have heard that it is one of the most painful things a person can experience.  Your bones literally are expanding due to the uncontrolled growth of cells caused by the tumors.  Even with morphine patches and constant doses of advil, he is in constant pain.  But today he went from a 4, to an 8, on a 1-10 pain scale.

And so he needed help in every way.  We were there to help him move, to shift him in bed, to get him water, when just this morning he could get around himself.  But the wondrous thing is the way in which everyone acts (and there is no good word for this) together, to bring the most comfort possible to my grandfather.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to be so dependent on other people for every aspect of life, but it is such a beautiful thing.  Interdependence on family.  There is nothing too awkward, or too far out of the question.  Everything is fine, and everything is manageable.

I held my grandfathers hand for a while this evening.  His eyes were closed and i wasn't sure exactly how he was feeling at that point, but all i could do was pray and hold on.  I felt close to God in the hospital room.  I new God's presence again, for the first time in while.  I wasn't sure to what extent my prayers were answered, but i noticed my grandpa's breathing begin to steady, and his grip become firm, and i could only hope that perhaps God had taken some of the pain away.

I am not sure what will happen from here, we have been wondering for a long time how long my grandpa Bob would hold on for, and i believe he has outlived all of our greatest expectations.  Just the fact that he is here in Arizona is a testament to his will power.  But whatever happens, i have been grateful for this time.  Grateful that God brought me back here to Arizona when i was asking for guidance.  Grateful that my Grandpa has had the strength to make biscuits for me, sourdough starter, and tell me about his life here in the desert, of hunting and experiencing the raw nature of this landscape.  I have said that i have felt unproductive in this time, but perhaps the most productive thing i have done in a long time has been to sit and listen to my grandfather share his life with me.