I have never dealt with such frailty and helplessness before. And while it is not the strong grandfather i know, there is no less admiration for the man. He manages to maintain his sense of humor, even in the extreme pain. He has bone cancer that has spread throughout his body, and i have heard that it is one of the most painful things a person can experience. Your bones literally are expanding due to the uncontrolled growth of cells caused by the tumors. Even with morphine patches and constant doses of advil, he is in constant pain. But today he went from a 4, to an 8, on a 1-10 pain scale.
And so he needed help in every way. We were there to help him move, to shift him in bed, to get him water, when just this morning he could get around himself. But the wondrous thing is the way in which everyone acts (and there is no good word for this) together, to bring the most comfort possible to my grandfather. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be so dependent on other people for every aspect of life, but it is such a beautiful thing. Interdependence on family. There is nothing too awkward, or too far out of the question. Everything is fine, and everything is manageable.
I held my grandfathers hand for a while this evening. His eyes were closed and i wasn't sure exactly how he was feeling at that point, but all i could do was pray and hold on. I felt close to God in the hospital room. I new God's presence again, for the first time in while. I wasn't sure to what extent my prayers were answered, but i noticed my grandpa's breathing begin to steady, and his grip become firm, and i could only hope that perhaps God had taken some of the pain away.
I am not sure what will happen from here, we have been wondering for a long time how long my grandpa Bob would hold on for, and i believe he has outlived all of our greatest expectations. Just the fact that he is here in Arizona is a testament to his will power. But whatever happens, i have been grateful for this time. Grateful that God brought me back here to Arizona when i was asking for guidance. Grateful that my Grandpa has had the strength to make biscuits for me, sourdough starter, and tell me about his life here in the desert, of hunting and experiencing the raw nature of this landscape. I have said that i have felt unproductive in this time, but perhaps the most productive thing i have done in a long time has been to sit and listen to my grandfather share his life with me.
5 comments:
A very noble way to spend time, Kevbot. I have been praying for him. I know how tough all of this must be for you and your family. You are never alone! I am so glad God felt close.
In response to your statements:
Political correctness can be super good. I am just so damn sick of seeker sensitive stuff. By non aggressive I mean real and direct and not repetitive or overly insistent. I am seeking to be a mix between love love love and suzie all up in your grill. Hahaha.
'Run rare' is a Joanna Newsom reference. It mostly means different and better and more respectable than most of the boys I know.
In Kevin friendly music speak, it is the opposite of TBS'z "boys like you are a dime a dozen!"
for some reason, i had a feeling you had made a new post.
he has been on my mind all day & i have been praying for him.
renewed connections with grandparents are invaluable, i believe. i think i've talked to you about this. listening to a wise person with an entire lifetime of experience & love can hardly be unproductive.
this is probably cheating btw.
I really hope that he feels better soon. That's really intense, I didn't know bone cancer was like that D:
Hope everything gets better.
Warning: Ambien CR should not be taken unless you want to totally freak out your family.
Reply: Yes. Somebody is going to try to save her. The only question you have to ask is, how will Steve be feeling when he writes the rest of this? It might just be the difference between life and dea...zombifacation, if Steve is feeling either hopeful or bleak that is.
It's kevBoat, right? Because I think Steveboat reminded me of steamboat. Unless it was steamboat... Anyway,
It's strange to think how probable it is for us to be in your grandfathers position some decades from now. Even though it must be tremendously difficult and foreign for him, I can imagine how new and vivid God's love must be as your mom waits patiently by his side and how you hold his hands.
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So, I don't inspire you HUH?
I am sort of glad you said that - sort of. Haha
I kind of felt relieved or something close to that. I guess even in situations with the zeo congregation I feel slightly pressured to move people with words, whether to encourage or inspire - even to convict! - I am realizing that that is not my responsibility whatsoever.
That is foreign.
I hope that even if I cannot be your messiah, maybe I can just come along side of you and you, to me.
Almost like two guys running together at 10pm. The fatter guy being encouraged to keep on running and the other with hair way too long being warned about nooks and crannies in the asphalt.
We better come, come come, come come.
We better run, run run, run run.
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