Two Quarters

What if we ain't no parts of a whole?

Just two quarters striving to make a half?

Maybe i need a 75% to make me complete.

And so do you.

If there's ever a reason to be together maybe it has nothing to do with completeness.

Maybe we are just meant to make each other happy.

Maybe you just have a smile that makes me light up inside.

Maybe i just get happy sitting across a table from you.

Two cups of coffee in-between.

But i can't beat this thought of so many components building up my happiness.

That you have to be composed of a symphony to bring harmony to me.

But the thing about life is we know it before we understand it.

The math and science comes later.

So maybe two quarters is enough of a whole to make me happy.

Grind

I want to be cool. Or hip. Or something like that.

Not entirely sure why, but i had this thought last night while watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I think it was due to the fact that i was watching the dorky character played by the classic Michael Cera hit on girls and be successful. Whilst i have never had the ability to hit on girls. In fact i get nervous when a girl flirts with me. Go figure. But if insecure Scott Pilgrim can do it, why can't I?

Somehow my train of thought also wondered to my living situation, and some of the things i may acquire for Christmas. Including a hand grinder for coffee. And i saw myself sitting in some posh, downtown apartment, spinning the blades and grinding coffee and divulging information on how i roasted it myself in a popcorn maker to just the right darkness for full flavor enjoyment. All to some eagerly attentive, attractive young woman. And i liked that thought. Because we would sip coffee and discuss politics and art and life.

But this all leads me to thinking about money. And how i feel if only i had a better job i could afford to have the life i wanted. Not that i am not happy with the life i am leading, but if i am content now just how happy i would be with all the other things i desire! Haha. I loose God and turn to money.

But seriously. I live from pay check to pay check. I don't have any savings. I tend to choose not eating over eating at times. Although it has made me thrifty!

I think what i really want is just a little more security and less reliance on my father to bail me out. School just screwed me out of an extra $1,500 dollars. Loans are building. I want to travel the world but i am worried about paying off all this fucking debt i am accruing to get a "higher education." Fucking bull-shit.

In the end i am annoyed with the systems modern life has built. The monetary system. The schooling system. The work system. The political system. It is all sitting in a toilet waiting to be flushed, i feel we just need the minds to do it.

So i am wanting this. I am wanting the slightly better job, for that slightly better pay check, with no homework to worry about or classes to attend, so i can sit around and drink coffee and figure out how to fix things. Go along with the system just long enough to get what i need from it and make it in to something else. Hopefully something better.

And that is my attempt at redeeming a rant and turning it in to something thought provoking and useful. Haha. Publish post!

Coolness

I just read Suzie's most recent post about Uganda, and now a post about my life seems a little mundane. Haha.

I came to the Cheesman Park area this morning to shoot some test footage for a project a lady in my production class is working on. It is about riding Vespa's and trying to go green. Well her Vespa wouldn't start this morning (for the first time ever) and so now i sit at the local Dazbog waiting for a word. I was kind of excited to film too. This is the first semester i can work on other people's projects without having to work on anything of my own. I can just help make the vision come about. I kind of like it. It seems everyone in the major is interested in Writing/Directing, and everyone in my production class has a film they want to make. I am the only one content with just working on other people's projects. So i felt a little odd in class, but it is genuinely what i want to do. If i feel inspired to make a movie i can, but right now i don't have any pressing ideas. Especially with the amount of help other people need.

I am also going to be playing the lead in my buddy Jacob's project, which is long and going to span about 5 weekends this semester just on filming. And i am in every scene. So another reason to keep my priorities to a minimum.

I am still really poor, but getting enough hours to survive now. Probably shouldn't have gotten the car, but it is nice and convenient. Who knows, maybe i will stop bitching and finally get a better job.

Looks like i got about another month of warm weather left. Going to try and enjoy it while i anticipate the cold. Seasons are gonna start changing again and i am excited for the newness.

Take care.

Tips

I am almost embarrassed to say this, but Nip/Tuck is the best television drama i have ever seen.

This past episode dealt with trust, self-confidence, love, accomplishment, masculinity, femininity, fidelity, life, death, success, failure, forgiveness...all through the guise of superficiality.

To question morality through such a seemingly "immoral" show is simply brilliant. Opening credits with mannequins, and the line "Make me a perfect life." It holds such deep meaning. The pursuit of perfection. Not just physically, but internally.

This is something that isn't mentioned or questioned: Are Americans just as obsessed with inner beauty as we are with outer?

Do we strive for moral grandeur as we do bodily splendor?

Maybe we don't.

Perfect Body

Context

I worry about loosing context. In growing old. Older that is. That i may find myself at 38, single, having accomplished little in life. I am curious as to why this bothers me. Why do i need to feel important? Maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but at the very least in the lives of others.

If i hit thirty and still have no family of my own, no place to call home, will i get depressed?

I think about whether or not i would be satisfied if i just roam about. Living in different countries. Growing cherries along the equator and roasting the sun dried beans to grind and steep. To then sit and sip on as i stare longingly at fiery, sun basked clouds over a rolling ocean.

If roaming about an older continent with history on a two wheeled frame could make me happy. Learning about so many cultures that almost seem suffocated between one another for lack of breathing room. Colliding to the point of joint currency. Connected through a network of trains for when my legs tire.

Perhaps meeting up with old friends. To discuss the twists and turns life has spun out for us, or perhaps whether we have woven them for ourselves. Yet really just hoping to share a special context with someone we feel understands something within ourselves. For no known reason, despite placing so many miles between our souls.

Maybe that is the beauty of friendship. That we can expand the singular context of our bodies over the populated world through a joint bond of knowing that when we are united our experiences will be compounded. Our story enlarged through the assimilation of similar souls.

I want children. But i also want instability. I intend to figure this out. Though i'm only hitting 22. 16 years lie between me and feeling like McMurphy. But the years are passing faster than i know, and i don't intend to tarry.

Sloppy

I'm sloppy.

I wish love at first sight were really possible. I saw a girl on a bike today and i fell in love. But we all know that isn't really love. Just lust. Cause i don't know anything about her soul. But her smile sure made me want to believe it is beautiful, and full of life. That she could make me happy just by sitting across from me at a coffee shop.

I think that it is going to be very hard for me to find the "right" girl now. No longer being a believer, but still holding to a lot of the truths. I think this is why we should teach philosophy to children. Not only do we not teach religion in public schools, we do not even teach a way of thinking about morality. It makes sense why kids end up like stupid little fucks. They don't even know how to rationalize right and wrong. Not that christian kids know how to do that, but at the very least they have someone telling them what's right and what's wrong.

It is largely the problem of parenting. Stupid people raising stupid kids. I use to have the idealistic notion as a kid that as people grew up they learned how to behave, learned how to be fair, and kind. But this is far from the truth. As an adult i have realized that character stays the same, that while people gain responsibility, they don't always gain maturity. Hence i have two divorced uncles who can't pay rent and mooch off of my grandma and parents. Both of whom have multiple children. Who are also making poor decisions. I rest my case.

Maybe this is natures way of keeping the population under control. Stupid people tend to die quicker. If only stupidity meant infertility.

This is why i need an intelligent wife. So i can feel secure in copulating.

Slip

I am slipping back in to a time of less sleep. It coincides with company. When there are people within my sphere of what we all call home i tend to sleep fewer hours.

It's funny though, cause i could go to sleep now, there is no one up with me, but i am choosing to stay up later. Given, i can sleep in tomorrow, but there is the possibility Mark will cause me to awake sooner than i would have living in my own apartment.

This is both good and bad. I was wondering when this time would come around again.

One definite pro is that i seem to have these flurries of thought late at night when i am near comatose. This always seems odd to me. Not sure if it has something to do with my brain slipping in to processing mode, but it is now when i usually have these brilliant, poetic, lyrical moments. Although you might be sitting there shaking your brain at mine. Perhaps i just believe i am being more brilliant because i am delirious.

I wonder about what my clothing speaks to strangers and friends around me. I found this orangish polo in a box in the garage. It fits nicely. I kind of like having a bright shirt. But i wonder what it says about me. If anything at all. How it pairs with my pants and shoes and hair and says "Hey...make these assumptions about my character."

Could anyone guess i am pondering the philosophical repercussions of a race of humans who make decisions in ill-informed or blatantly ignorant states and so do not realize they are making mistakes because of it and are therefor doomed to repeat them?

Or that i am being struck with a strange new reality of what existence could be and what my life may have in store because of it?

That i fear companionship may never come because of the unique place i find myself in these days?

Could anyone see that in my new Ambercrombie & Fitch muscle polo?

New

Don't tell anyone, but i have kind of stopped brushing my teeth.

I want to make movies that really interest people.

I wish socialism worked on some level.

I realized today that i can't afford a girlfriend.

Craziness at work excites me.

It's possible that someone fired a gun at me last night.

I wish guy/girl relationships weren't so complicated.

If i could i would fix people's personal problems.

Life is becoming harder to define, and yet easier at the same time.

I don't feel how i thought almost 22 would feel like.

I thrive off of change.

Recently i have been getting anxious about stupid little things.

Having lots of money would be nice.

It sucks that my allergies are the worst in Denver out of all the places i have lived.

Creating music can give me a buzz.

I disagree with Donald Miller on one point: Coffee shops are lovely places to spend time.

I wish i lived closer to my family.

I wish Blogspot wasn't slowly dying.

And i want you to know that i stopped believing in God.

But i love you so much.

Love

So, i feel i want to ask some serious questions of you guys. Feel free to answer via comments.

If you were to believe there was no God. Or no God as the bible presents. How would you justify right and wrong?

I feel right and wrong can be shown through actions towards and considerations of others. That if what you do holds the well-being of others at the highest regard, then you are doing good. Doing right.

But how could you even jump to that conclusion if there is no ultimate since of right and wrong? No voice of authority from the heavenly realms?

I think it comes down to the innate feelings of every human being. Or at the very least the majority of the human beings.

Most human beings understand happiness. Understand joy. Understand love. Understand the need to be wanted. Understand the need to find fulfillment and satisfaction. And once you realize you want these things for yourself, you realize the best way to get them is to provide them for others. That when you are loving others, giving meaning to others, helping others, then you find fulfillment in return, that people provide all these things for you in return.

And so doing good, doing right, means helping everyone to meet their own base desires.

But perhaps one could argue that these desires come from society. From culture. That the way we are raised and taught are what develop these needs inside of us.

And so true definitions of good and bad, noble and just, come from what is taught to you. And so there is still no truth out there. Everything is still subjective.

And this is why countries can justify war. People can justify hurting other people. Killing other people. Destroying other people. Because their way of thinking does not align with our way of thinking. That their way of making everyone feel loved, wanted, needed, is different than our ways of making people feel valued. And so we keep on blowing each other up.

But i don't think this is true. Because as we become more and more globalized, while there are still wars and disagreements, for the most part these are small and petty. We realize that all people laugh, all people cry, all people belong to a family.

And so i think we can depend on human universals. And we can all come to a consensus of what is right and wrong. Because in the end we should all realize that what is best for ourselves is what is best for everyone else.

True selfishness comes through true altruism.

Haha.

Travel

I want to

Travel

To move

To roam

About

Perambulate

Around

Free to

Traverse

The earth

Make others

Their lives

My home

For good

I should

Music and Movies

Last night was a blast. Been going to open jam sessions at Fidel's on Sunday nights, and last night was the first time we got the whole band up on stage. Good fun. Julie Tiehen, who we are gonna be playing for, sang one of her songs with us and got asked by the owner to play a gig there! Small little place, but the music and the people are just amazing.

Our first real gig as a group is next Sunday. Can't wait! Should be a lot of fun. Hopefully after this the shows will keep coming, and hopefully some paid ones as well! Although this could be a payed gig...not entirely sure.

I have also been working on a music video for one of Julie's songs entitled Shoes. My partner from class is editing on the computer next to me right now. She hasn't edited anything before and so i am walking her through the process. It is also the first video i have filmed in HD! Which is amazingly beautiful. Also did a film noir piece in HD the other night that should be finished today. Both videos will be up on YouTube eventually.

Another really exciting thing other than playing music is that i started working on a documentary with two of my teachers. My Drama of Diversity teacher, Jennifer Rincon, is starting her own company for the arts entitled Vision Box. Her main area of expertise is theatre, but the company will span many different fields of art. The first project she is working on is a theatre piece about this church that is employing ex-cons and veterans to install solar panels on church buildings. Now, where i come in, my teacher Jessica Lance is directing a documentary about the entire production process. Which is really fascinating because we are getting all these great stories from ex-cons and veterans. It should be a very interesting doc on the human condition. They do not have much money yet, but if they get the grants they are trying for i may get money and credit for helping to work on it! Not to mention crazy experience and connections!

I am excited for things to come. It is starting to warm up here. Actually hit 60 degrees the other day! Was riding my bike in shorts and a t-shirt, haha. Cannot wait for summer! But first is spring break, John Mayer, and Chris! Much fun to come.

Woops

Shoot, i am a slacker. I get on Landon's case for not posting and here i am, almost two months out from my last update...apologies.

Life update time perhaps?

I am sitting in Paris on the Platte this lovely morning after a light snow last night, and now the sun is shining in a brilliant blue sky as i sip some tasty coffee roasted on site. It is shaping up to be a good day. In a few i will be meeting up with my partner from class to storyboard a music video for the band i am going to start playing bass with. Then i head off to work for a short little four hour princess shift. After which i pick up some camera equipment from school, including a Sony EX-1, which shoots in HD! AH! So excited! For the first part of the music video shoot on Sunday. Then JR picks me up from school, and we head up to the mountains for an overnight Men's Advance, because men don't retreat! Haha...punny. And i return tomorrow hopefully in time for a documentary film shoot with my teacher. News on that to come, it's an exciting project!

I will keep it short for now. I always stray from these simple updates, but sometimes they can be nice and exciting.

Hope you are all doing well!