Elation

I have heard it said that anticipation is healthy.  That you feel great happiness in anticipation of things to come.  Sometimes more so than the actual event.  I can perceive this in my life.

Right now I eagerly await the arrival of my family driving up from Arizona.  They should be here any minute.  To see the house I now call home.  To see the restaurant I now call work.  Things it would seem my family should be familiar with.  Things I would like to share with them.

I also feel elated from the first prospect of meeting a girl who is a complete stranger to me and almost (Mr. Can't Closerton) getting her number.  I very well could have.  But now there is the prospect of her returning to my restaurant where we met.  In which case I shall not fail again!

Either way.  The thought that I can pull off flirting with a girl is exciting.  Something that comes natural for most males.  And it is also exciting to know that maybe a new relationship is just around the corner.

So I am excited for things to come.  Excited to head up to Vail with my family shortly.  Excited to snowboard.  Excited to eat lots of great food and drink lots of great drinks.  And even though the future remains uncertain.  It makes me happy to think of it.

Experience

In response to "Lightly; Freely" by Lovenvoy.

Sometimes I feel I have found "that place" here in Denver.  That I have discovered a culture and a community that I enjoy being a part of.  A culture and community that I didn't find in Hawaii.

I have come to realize that I never really belonged in Hawaii.  And not just because I am "haole," but because the type of people and lifestyle I wish to surround myself with doesn't exist there.  Or at least not on the scale I desire.

But there is a restlessness in me.  A part of me that gets nervous at the thought of settling down now.  The idea of things left unexperienced excites me.  Makes me antsy.  Makes me want to find those things and make them mine.  I feel my patience to stick it out in one place comes from a knowing that I am achieving things here that will help me to experience more further down the road.  Remaining here to graduate, to become a skilled bartender, so that wherever I go I may find work.  Or gain the filmmaking job that allows me to travel and experience things.

There is also a nagging to move for the feeling that maybe as much as I like Denver, maybe there is a better place elsewhere.  Maybe I am settling for less than I realize.  Who knows?  Maybe Denver is the best city for me.  But I feel I have to prove it to myself.

It makes me wonder if our information age creates this desire to experience more.  While we are presented with so much, and can easily appreciate these things from the comfort of our couch, there is this idea that what is being presented is better in person.  Which makes sense.  Here is someone on TV, or on your computer, presenting a place to you, and while maybe the visuals are fully experienced via the mediums we have created, you can't sit there and feel the place, taste the food, smell the air.  You can't really know what it is like unless you experience it for yourself.

This bodes of "A Brave New World" type mentality.  Of the future being filled with "EM's," or "Experience Machines."  Where you can feel everything from the comfort of your living room.  Where you can be safe and still know everything there is to know.  As a matter of fact, there is a clever play entitled "Harvest" that touches upon this.  It is an ingenious script.

In the absence of a "God" in my life I have begun to contemplate my own philosophy, so to say.  It is an interesting concept to ponder.  And this is something I have reflected upon recently.  That life as a human is about experiencing.  That when I try to explain why I do not want to die, it is because there is so much I have yet to experience.  That there is so much I still desire to experience.  Because maybe death brings an end to my being.  Maybe there is no experience after death.  And that scares me.  The thought that I have not impacted the world in any significant way is only secondary to simply feeling like I would be missing out.

Why does this matter to me?  I don't know.  Maybe it has to do with a God.  Maybe it has to do with a survival instinct.  All I know is I wish to experience.  And find contentment in the experiencing.  And maybe that is why we never desire death, because we know there is no end to the experiencing.  That's why the God of Christianity is so appealing.  It promises a beautiful experience for all eternity.

Am I home?  I don't know.  But I am searching.

Date

I don't like the concept of dating.

Yet here I am in my early 20's and single.  I feel the need to relent to the dating scene.

But I hate the form.  Hate that it automatically applies pressure to both parties involved.  Obligates each to impress.

Then there is the possibility of rejection, or rejecting.  Either significantly daunting.

I just want to get to know a girl for who she is.  Without this instant physical aspect involved.  For dating choices are only made by physical appearances and initial surface manifestations of character.  And then there is the factor of being isolated in one another's company.  Just tempting interaction beyond communication.  Having the potential to delay realizations of incompatibility.

But relying on the possibility of getting to know a girl as a friend before initiating any romantic sense of a relationship is growing more and more unattractive.  Largely because of the time factor.  As we say, I'm not getting any younger.

So here I rest.  Desiring a relationship of significance with a member of the opposite sex.  But relatively incapable of initiating one due to lack of experience in this area.  Hell, I'm not "lacking" in experience, I have no experience.  I have never, not once, asked a girl out on a date.

Here I would like to blame my Christian upbringing, which is partially to blame, but a large portion of the blame is really on myself for reasons already stated.  Christian kids ask out people all the time.

In conclusion I need to grow some balls and ask a girl out.

Lines

Trying out the new B-spot layout.  Seems nice.

A man that plays trumpet in the worship team at church gave me some advice today.  He said to "Stay in line."

I was telling him about some of my post graduation ideas.  Maybe moving to VC or NY.  Or remaining in Denver and trying to break in to the film scene here.  And his statement was meant to encourage me to remain in a place until I have attained what I am looking for.  Otherwise I may never attain it.

Because people get restless.  Move around.  Loose their so called "Place in line."  And never really attain what they are looking for.

But the people who stay, they move up simply because other people "Leave their place in line."  So maybe you are talented, maybe you have something to offer, but a lot of the time you get where you want in a career because you stick it out.  You wait your turn.

This scares me a little.  I kind of like being a vagabond.  I have been in Denver only two years, and already want to do some more moving and shaking.  It would be nice to stay here, but i am afraid of falling in to a routine.  Becoming complacent.

But at the same time remaining could help me achieve some form of success in life, so that i could afford to travel.  Afford to be a little restless.

Maybe I will find a happy medium in this.  Savor my youth and be a little irresponsible.  And then find my place in line.  Someplace I know I will be happy for 10, 15, 20 years.  Maybe i don't need to find my place right now.  Maybe I can take my ticket in 5.

Old Fashioned

Started watching Mad Men. Two in. It's interesting. Simple. Makes me wonder what I could learn from the men of my grandfathers generation.

What I could learn about things like propriety, chivalry, daring. Being a man's man. How to treat a woman.

Mad Men seems to want to show things through the eyes of today, through the eyes of equality between men and women. Making the men of the show out to be bad men...perchance mad men?

And it seems fitting to my modern mind. To think of these men as sleazy, low-browed, controlling, biggity. But maybe it's possible to gleam some things from them as well. To learn confidence. To learn poise. To have a sense of strength I feel a lot of men loose in this modern world.

I would like to believe I strive for a balance of my Grandfather, my Father, and myself. Of the generations before me and mine own. That I can be both strong and reasonable. Treat a woman well not only in material, but also in an emotional sense. Stand up for what's right, yet still yield to what's necessary.

Not sure what about me makes me want to be this kind of man. What message my hormones are shooting through me and what message my childhood spent with my mother is telling me. But this seems appropriate to me. Fitting. Sane. Sound.

Place 1 sugar cube in old fashioned glass and saturate with 2 dashes bitters and a splash of water. Muddle until dissolved. Fill the glass with ice cubes and add 40ml bourbon, scotch or rye whiskey. Garnish with orange slice, lemon twist and two maraschino cherries.

Happiness

Looking back on my last few posts i realize i haven't written on here since i got my new job. Heck, i haven't written on here in a while period. So...

I got a new job! I am a bar-back at Euclid Hall Bar & Kitchen. Which is a really rad restaurant in downtown Denver. One of a kind. Great food. Great beer. Great atmosphere. And not to mention i have practically doubled my income. Which is funny, because i am still broke.

Though it is nice. I do go out more. And it has helped me to cover expenses i would have been powerless to cover otherwise. I was digging myself in to some credit card debt i wouldn't have been able to pay off with my Starbucks job. Although i did it knowing i would be making more money soon. But i have also payed off my new computer, and the bill for my stupid ass mistake of driving through a giant puddle and needing to get my car fixed. And i have been able to do small trips, and buy things for said trips.

All in all, i am making more money, and spending more money. Next purchase will hopefully be a nice bike. Followed by a season pass to go snowboarding this winter. Not to mention a work schedule that will allow me to enjoy said pass. For i make enough money and still have a three day weekend every week.

Am i happier? Not necessarily. But that wasn't why i wanted more money. It was so i could afford the things to make me happier.

But i read an interesting article recently. That showed that happiness is hard to attain when happiness is the goal. But one thing it did say is that people are generally happy when pursuing meaningful relationships with others. And i do remember writing a certain post about that being my ultimate goal not too long ago.

And so, to also tie in my brief post right before this one, I'm not too happy right now. Because i am lacking meaningful relationships.

So i need a friend. A "best-friend." A "girlfriend." Landon is still my best friend and we haven't lived in the same vicinity for over 4 years now. Although that might change in a year. I wonder what that says about my friendship making abilities?

I think it says that Landon and i are uniquely related in many ways and perhaps i won't ever find another friend like him. But i need some that at least come close. That aren't females.

And then comes the girlfriend. But i already wrote about that.

At least i can afford one now!

Lonely

I keep telling myself i need a girlfriend. For nights like these. Where i text a liturgy of people and get little to no responses. Someone I can rely upon to hang out with.

I also have been seriously lacking in serious conversations. Deep, meaningful conversations. Perhaps because i am keeping pertinent facts about myself away from those closest to me. Perhaps i should start being more honest.

Another issue at hand is that i find i have built close relationships with girls. Who then get boyfriends. Who then stop hanging out with me.

My goal this summer was to get a girlfriend. I appear to be failing.

The problem as i see it is that i don't hang out with the right crowds. All the girls i come in contact with are largely Christian. Therefor eliminating any chance for a serious relationship. I need to find secular crowds with similar interests to mine. I know these crowds exist, i feel close to them when with my film making buddies, but i haven't really found them yet. I think the girls i hang out with at work aren't quite in the right groups.

So here i sit. Alone. On one of my two nights off this week. Unable to find even one person to hang out with. Contemplating drinking a beer and making phone calls.

Le sigh. Next post will be a response to my last two.