Thursday, December 31, 2009

20/20

Shoooooooooot. Let's give this a go.

I jump a first class flight and rendezvous with Aley in Pennsylvania for three days of immense enjoyment. Christmas air, bus rides, New York city streets, Van Gogh and even a little Steven Spielberg. Not to mention ice skating in the midst of sky-scrapers. Head home and attend to the funeral of the best of Grandfathers coming four months to the day from his beloved wife. It was hard and long and fitting in the end. An inspiring family dirge. Save up and fly out for a first time trip to another nation. Germany in late winter and many new experiences. Castles, beer, and danke schons. But the most exhilarating of all, Olympic runs down Alpine slopes. Get food poisoning, ask a father for a hand in marriage, and fly home, all in a days work. Sulk and simmer through the end of the semester and snatch a buddy pass for Hawaiian shores. Return to the family of my youth in a humor that is extremely new and foreboding. Drop a couple grand on a stone before realizing i am going nuts and call the whole deal off. 500 magnets in the trash. Savor what i can of the final unification of KLANZzz and decide that film in Denver is still where my heart lies. After some amazing late nights over too many cups of coffee and a few other outstanding and heart healing conversations fly home to say good bye to the family for the last time. Drive a disastrous drive with my mother to Colorado and a small studio i can call my own. Hit the 21 mark with a Father and a legalized tour. Say the last hard good bye and swing in to the first year at a real University. Film finally realized. A new church, new friends, new co-workers, and a lovely new city that i never imagined could make me feel so at home. 4 months later and i am settled. Music and any misgivings gone. Thanksgiving and Christmas wishes spent with the family, but back to the mile-high-city for a new year and great hopes for the double digit millennium.

Damn.


Friday, December 18, 2009

Well

and well it should
fall in to place and make you scream
run out the door and stop in time

cause who am i to stop your fun
make you hold tight to what doesn't come
naturally to your heart

feel the best you can and make your stand
to hold up to my futile attempts to bring you
closer to what makes me happy

forgotten and disregarded have i made you
in comparison to my own propaganda
made to ease my own tension

cause who am i to say what you can and cannot do
for you are your own person
and what difference does our love make?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Confused

Where is everyone?!

___

A Ghost May Come

Elements on my table-
the clock.
All life reduced to this-
its tick.
Dusty's modern lamp,
all shape, space and curve.
Last attempts at speech.
And the carved
serpentine knife of Mexico,
with the childish
eagle head on the handle.

-Allen Ginsberg-

It is funny how we confine time and light to sit idly on our desks. Often forgotten, sitting unused, as we contemplate their meaning. The vast significance of two things that constantly and consistently affect us through all of our...well, moments in time illuminated by light.

I really love the poetry by Allen Ginsberg. The rhythm in the one above is perfect. I am studying. Haha.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Simple

And what if life were to be played out,
Simple and sweet,
Structured and systematic through splendid senses?

Coherent, colorful and contained,
Painting a poignant picture,
of life, love and lust?

Not the chaotic crooked context in which we currently co-exist,
Walking and wading with words,
Whimsically working worth in with this world?

Would we loose all will?
All affinity if art absolved from act,
Separated and severed from our souls?

Set to solely sit and stare,
Might lives fade from full form,
Fall and fold faint on foul floor?

Is it immoral to imply,
That this theological theme,
Could contain our collective call?

Meaningfully making meaning for all meaninglessness?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Self

I had an AHA! moment the other day after reading Landon's last post.

By the way, where did that saying come from? The "aha moment" saying that is.

I think i figured out why i have been so happy.

O yeah, by the way, i'm happy.

And i think it has something to do with finding myself.

And by the way, it is only on blogspot that i could seriously say that i "found myself"...

Further tangent: where did "finding oneself" come from?

So i was reflecting on how i have felt these past two years. The emptiness and confusion. Starting with my move to Santa Monica and the ensuing depression. And then my seclusion from the Lord. Followed by my return to Arizona and relationship with Aley. Ending with the summer in Hawaii and move to Denver. When i realized something.

I feel i have rediscovered myself inside of a this new context i have been given.

Leaving Hawaii i held my identity inside of the community of believers and friends i had known for the foregoing 9 years. Leaving that context i didn't really know who i was. It was like i had lost my identity. Fallen off the page.

This is turn effected my relationship with God, because the way in which i related to Him had changed. It was only me now. And God is a little scary up close.

I then sought out the familiarity of home, with family, where i did not have to question my position or role. Yet, inside of this comfort, i sought out a new order. With a woman. So that i could easily transition in to my new place in life with somebody by my side. Who was also searching for their role in this world.

Yet this was not meant to be. We were not suitable to provide for one another's needs. To complete each other. Define eachother.

And so this past summer in Hawaii was initially a return to what i always wanted, but turned in to a freaking nightmare. I went a little crazy. I confess. What i wanted for so long to return to was not what i thought it would be.

So i moved here. A little disillusioned to say the least. And extremely apprehensive.

But as the weeks have passed, i have found things to be quite heartening. And i think it is because i have finally figured out who i am inside of this new, individual context. I am finally doing what i have wanted to do for so long, and succeeding. God is giving me the desires of my heart.

So i am largely alone. But intensely in love with everything. I get those pangs from time to time, when i think of my mom and dad. When i think of my brother. When i think of my brothers. My sisters. Those little tinges of homesickness in the soul. But they are brief and fleeting.

I am loving Denver. I haven't even gotten out of the city in the past month and a half.

So i am curious what comes next.

I suppose i have crested this ridge. Left the valley behind me and climbed. And i am filled with excitement at the view that stretches before me. The possibilities that are to yet unfold.

I can feel the wind against my cheeks. And breathe a sigh of relief through a growing smile.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sip

Coffee. Espresso. Yum.

I have tried beer and wine. Seriously TRIED. And found wanting.

Liqueurs are good for the first, and second sips, but overpower by the third.

Cocktails. Now. Cocktails i can kind of do. But do not find very enjoyable. I would rather just the coke, minus the rum.

But coffee? O sweet sensational coffee. How you tease and tingle my taste buds. Delight my olfactory. How i love you. As you steep and simmer. Sit and soak. Diffusing and departing in to the steaming, sizzling, smooth water. You have no carbs. Just caffein. But i can deal. I am not obsessed. I do not crave. Do not get migraines when you are far found.

And so it is with you i settle. With you i will sip as i sit. Blissfully banter, converse with cohorts.

For you delight me. Save me the trouble of seductive sugars. Sweets that tantalize and tease, but ultimate lust to level, destroy and down. Cure my wanting with liquid perfection.

You and tea... O. Tea!


Friday, June 19, 2009

Hard

I think i am a little too critical of myself at times.  I really did not care for my last post when i wrote it, but looking back on it now i am very pleased with it.

I realize now just how full of love and emotions i am.  Recently it has been boiling over and very noticeable to those around me.  Heck, my brother even noticed.  And i don't like it.

I love the relationship.  The dynamic and mingling of two souls, trying to understand the significance of oneness.  Sorting through the mundane, the insignificant, the trite, because those things make up a life, little by little.  Learning to take the pieces of one life and join them with the pieces of another.  Trying to become more like God.

It is so significant.

Yet so fragile.

It can hurt.

Cut.

Singe.

Sear.

Kiss my hand to cover with lye and burn.

So why do it?  Why go through with it all?  Why put our selves out on the line?  It would seem so much easier to go with out.  So much easier to play safe, never risk a thing.  Protect our hearts.  Keep things between us and God.

Why?

Why?  Because we can't.  I know I can't at least.  Perhaps there are those who can.  Those that can give there hearts to God and God alone.  But not I.

I long for the embraces.  Not only of flesh and bone, but of thought and mind.  Connecting deeply and meaningfully with another soul, in an attempt to bring meaning to our own existence.  I long for the moments of oneness, that seem to remove us from time and place, and set us alone, together.  The converging that can never be fully expressed, even in poetry.  Only experienced.  I long for it all.

We are flawed.  And our baggage gets in the way.  And we may not be perfect.

But we are beautiful.

And we are loved.

You are loved.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Soon

Less than 2 weeks.  I will be in Hawaii in less than two weeks.

I must say, i am a little apprehensive.  Not in a real negative way, but in the way that i am not sure how i am going to feel being back.  Less than two weeks and it has been almost two years.

A lot has happened in the past two years.  Part of me is afraid i won't feel as comfortable as i once did with the old group.  That there will be new inside jokes that i am on the outside of.  New quotable lines, catch-phrases that will need to be explained, and so diminished in meaning.  New friends and faces that i am unfamiliar with.

I even wonder if it will feel like returning home at all.  Or if it will all feel like a dream, the familiarity of it all.  Perhaps i will feel out of place, or like i have returned too soon.  

I worry that i will get caught up in old troubles.  Old conflicts and trifles with people.  That little grievances will rise to the surface again, even if so much time has passed.

But even with all these little troubles floating around in my head, i know it will be good.

I will be surrounded by people who i feel completely comfortable with.  Lots of people i am at peace being around.  I won't feel the need to impress anyone, or prove myself in any manner.  Show that i am a worth while conversation to be had.  I can be in group settings and not have to worry about where i am going to position myself to avoid awkward chit-chat, or fake small talk.  I can be myself.

I will know where i am and where i am going.  All the familiar places and significant spots.  Zippy's in the wee-hours of the night (even if i never cared much for it), the church office, Alex's house, "the swamp", North Shore, and the old S-Bux.  All full of memories and life.

And the weather shall be delightful.  No 110 degree heat, or frigid air.  Just cool tropical breezes and ever present showers.  O the rain, how i have missed it so.  And the beaches.  And the waves.  And the mountains that keep me headed in the right direction.

Everything will be there.  And i will get lost in conversations with old friends.  And drive empty roads in the night times.  And even visit a few places i have never known before.

It will be near perfection.  And the only thing that will be able to bring it to its full potential will be her presence.  Her arrival.  And everything will be as it should.

I think i will really be at ease for a few weeks there.  That i will be able to rest in that short period of time.  And rejoice in the wholeness of it all.

I am coming home.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Meekness

I wonder about being honest sometimes.  Like, blatantly, unashamedly, explicitly honest.  I wonder how that would come across to people.  Now, i am not talking about saying the first thing that comes to mind without foresight or regard for others.  But just plain, truth telling.

Would people like me more or less if i was simply honest with them.  I think less.  I think people would like me less.  Maybe that is why i don't like Jesus.  The Jesus i read about in the Bible.  Because he is blatantly open with people.  And so he sounds kind of cocky.  Like a know-it-all.

And that is why i am not always candid with people.  Because i do not know it all.  I could be being honest, but my honest opinion, even if it is well thought out and heart-felt, may not be truth.  I think honesty needs truth.  And unlike Jesus, i do not hold the truth in myself.  I am flawed.  And no matter how sure of myself i am, i am not necessarily going to be correct.  And so i do not speak everything that is on my mind.  Because it may just be falsehood.  I may just be false.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Apathy

Thoughts i had before taking philosophy, which we have been discussing in philosophy.

1.  I think i first thought of this one when i was like 10 while in the shower:  What if i am the main character on a Truman type show?  What if everyone around me is acting, pretending to be my family, my friends, my loved ones?  What if there are hidden cameras everywhere and little beady eyes watching me on television sets right now?  Observing my every move...laughing at my mistakes...scoffing at my absurdities...musing over my decisions...critiquing the creators.  Who is the creator?  How elaborate is the set, the stage?  How are they manipulating me?  Perhaps creating the idea of God to see if i really believe it, if i'll really devote myself to such a notion.  Perhaps, watching me now, naked, in the shower...pervs.

Recently i took this one step further and mulled over the idea that the entire planet could be one big TV show.  That aliens that have been around for millions of years have spread out over the universe and, to boost their ratings, have created "Planet Earth!"  With the tag line: "What will become of Adam and Eve planted in the garden?"  Where early fans of the program would have flipped when they got the cliff-hanger at the end of the show, "And so, God banished Adam and Eve from the Garden!"  Doosh!  But we aren't the only planet of course, there are many shows, on many planets, and trillions of these aliens being entertained on a daily basis.  That might explain peoples insistence that aliens visit us from time to time.  They need to fix cameras and such.  Or maybe fans of the show really want to meet some of the people they have become invested in.  But they are probably arrested and thrown in prison for breaking on to the set of such a successful show, even if ratings have dropped in recent years.

2.  I have of course also considered the idea that we are in a Matrix sort of world.  Electrodes prodding our brains to give us the sensation that we are walking around meeting people and experiencing things.  But because of the movie i am sure most of us have given this one some thought and so i won't delve in to the idea.

3.  Time.  I think this is something i might have mentioned in a previous post at one time, but the idea of time really struck me on a trip to Kauai with my family...oddly enough also in the shower.  What is time exactly?  I mean, it is simply a human invention for giving a numerical value to our days.  Made up increments to guide our lives by.  But what exactly is time measuring?  The rate at which things age?  But why do things move in this way?  And how come sometimes time can seem to pass slow, and at other times very fast?  How come as i get older time seems to move at an increasingly rapid rate?  Does this mean time is merely a ploy of the brain?  That time could possibly be experienced very differently?  Like how we say God is outside of time.  This would explain a lot about his nature i feel.  And so is that what God did with us?  He gave us a brain that would experience time in a limited way?  In one direction, at a particular speed?
Now, if you think about now, right this second, right this millisecond, like right NOW!  It is gone...where?  I don't know, but it passed.  How do i know it happened?  Memory.  Phew, good thing for memory.  And what about the future?  Well, it is coming, ope, wait, there it went, its gone now too.  It seems you can really never define a moment.  You can infinitely divide the second up, just like mass, it can become increasingly smaller, theoretically, cause you can't wrap your brain around it ever not being able to divide...even if you can't wrap your brain around it never ending.  And so how do you define a moment?  Cause a moment cannot really be defined.  How do we capture a picture then?  That picture really did contain some movement, but the celluloid makes it look still.
And so time confuses me, because it seems like we an experience it, but never really define what it is, or why it is.

4.  Where am i seeing?  Where am i hearing?  Where am i feeling?  Where am i tasting?  Where am i smelling?  In my brain.  Right.  But if my brain is flipping and interpreting the information my eyes are sending it, what is looking at the image my brain is compiling?  What is experiencing this visual splendor? I suppose this is really begging to have the question answered: What am I?  Why do i refer to myself as an "I"?  What makes me conscious?  What makes me aware?  Spirit?  Soul?  Are scientists correct?  Does the complexity of cells and synapses and chemicals in my brain give rise to my "self"?  Or does God embody us with a type of immaterial being, that is attached to this body, and experiencing this world, through the brain?  But how?  Phew...what AM I?

5.  Do i have free will?  Touchy subject.  It sure does seem like i do.  I have a blogspot, what do i want to write a post about?  Philosophy?  Okay...that should be interesting...that should make my friends heads swim a little...i think i will do that.  I am really due for a post.  And so here i am writing, picking up the screw on my desk, feeling its grooves, holding it in my teeth.  Why?  Because i feel like doing so.  Or was i destined to do this?  Is it written?  Is it God ordained?  This is the tricky thing about predestination.  It seems to remove a certain human quality in things to think of things as predetermined.  Screw freedom and liberty if we are all simply responding to stimuli like the Determinists claim.  Although, according to them, freedom and liberty exist in our minds, so you can't screw it, because it was meant to be, there is no changing it, it happened.  Things will happen, and even if you think you caused it, you didn't.  You were only responding to the forces acting on you.  Like the hurricane that destroyed New Orleans, it  was simply a result of humidity levels, and atmospheric pressure, and temperatures.  Everything caused by something else.  A domino effect.  But people should be able to predict human behavior a lot better then...like meteorologists for humans, haha, wouldn't that be excellent.
And predestination?  Well, would God really make some people to believe in Him and others to not?  Some to scorn and some to love?  What good is the love of a thing forced to love you?  Although it surely does sound like the Bible is trying to convince us of this.  Or maybe the writers were just a little confused?  But God is suppose to know all things right?  The beginning and end?  And so is it that he causes us to end up this way?  Or just refuses to intervene?  We believe God intermingles to a certain extent, but how much?  How does he decide how far to push things?  This is very puzzling.
Honestly, my innermost being tells me i have free-will, and so i have to act believing this, or else i think i shall go crazy.

6.  God.  GOD.  I AM.  Elohim.  Yahweh.  Real?  Fake?  Singular?  Plural?  Theistic?  Deistic?  Pantheistic?  Alchemist?  Satanist?  I know we have all thought long and hard on the topic of religion, i won't write ten paragraphs...haha.

7.  Morality.  What is right and wrong?  What is good and bad?  Where did these concepts come from?  I claim they came from God.  But how do you explain them without God?  Certain things feel good, certain things are enjoyable, so you do those things.  Other things are harmful, things that hurt, so you avoid these things.  If you deny God's placing of these things in us, are they simply things that help us to propagate our species?  But why would things even form this drive?  Why would matter decide it needed to populate itself?

8.  This leads to number eight, the origin of all things.  What started all of this?  And maybe even why?  God?  I agree.

9.  Is there more to this world than what we can experience ourselves?  Is there a spiritual realm?  I believe there is.  Need it be proven by science?  Could it?

10.  Space.  Infinite?  Limitless?  What is beyond our universe?  Nothingness forever?  If it ends, what is on the other side?  Ouch.

11.  What happens after death?  You guys know what i believe.  Although, what if there was no afterlife?  What if at death, you died?  Like, that is it, nothing else.  It sounds a little scary at first, but if you think about the thought it isn't so bad, because you wouldn't realize it.  If you were truly and ultimately dead, kaput, you wouldn't be able to think the thought: "Aw crap, i died, i didn't get to do all those things i wanted to do!"  Because YOU'RE DEAD!  I don't know, sometimes i like the idea of ending better than the idea of living forever...it is like number 10, it hurts my head to think about continuing on forever.  I can understand ending.

12.  If a tree falls in the forest, and nothing is around to hear it, does it make a sound?  Well, it all hinges on how you define a "sound."  If you define a sound as air-waves then yes, it makes a sound.  But if you define sound as what the neurons in the inner ear signal to the brain, then no, it doesn't.  According to the definition my dashboard dictionary gives me, it is the latter.  A sound is something that "can" be heard.  So yes, the tree does make a sound.

13.  Should we seek knowledge?  Or is ignorance really bliss?  Are we really better of for all the scientific research we have done?  For all our tinkering and fooling around?  I sometimes think not.  I really would enjoy living in the wild, hunter-gatherer style.  But Blogspot really is fun isn't it?  Haha.  I appreciate knowledge.  I just really wish it wasn't so much a guessing game of trial and error.

14.  This is all a dream.  My dream.  I will wake up one day to find i have been in a coma this entire time, and you guys were all a figment of my imagination.  Just made up creatures in my mind.  I sure am clever to think of you all!  Although...you think i would have made my life a little more desirable huh?

Well, i am done...forgive me if i have missed anything.  I think you have read enough if you have made it this far!  But i will leave you with this, one thought i have gained from Philosophy!

-"I think, therefore i am."
This seriously struck me when we learned what it means, because it is a very striking thought.  No matter what you think about, or argue over, or try to convince yourself of, there is only one thing you can never really talk yourself out of.  And that is that you exist.  I am thinking right now, and weather it is over a real-reality, or a synthetic one made by robots, or weather i am dreaming it all, or not really deciding for myself what i am thinking of, i do know i am thinking.  And no matter what i think of, i cannot convince myself otherwise, i cannot even begin to convince myself that i do not exist.  I think, so i am.  And so are you.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

For Grandpa Bob

My Grandfather gifted me time,
and time is on my side,
if not on his.

At my side and on my arm,
silver and jade displayed,
a reminder of time.

My grandfather gave me his watch of 50 years for my graduation present. I cried when i opened it...

--
I wrote this over a year and a half ago.  For some reason i never felt okay with the poem, like it needed more, or less, or something...but i cannot think of a way to change it, so i will leave it how it is.

My grandfather passed away five days ago.  It feels like forever since i wrote this poem.  I wish i could have known him earlier in life.  I wish i could have talked to the younger more wild Bob.  But i got to spend a lot of time with him these past 4 months, and as my dad said, the pain is over now, no more pain Grandpa.  I'll see you soon enough.